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Eiron Foyer responds to your queries :
You can send a question via our contact form.
Dear Fatchecka
You asked about “A recipe for disaster”. Mine runs thusly. Take a generous helping of rampant social inequality. Then stir in a similar amount of perverse religious fervour. Now add some technological advances. There you have it ! Works every time. Note that the first two ingredients are the essential components of the recipe – the last is more of a catalyst than a core ingredient – its function is to multiply the effects.
Dear MitchBo14
Thank you for sending me the video of you juggling [deleted]. Of course I wish you the best of luck with your career, but it would be unfair of me to hide from you my niggling suspicion that the demand from the public to see such displays may be somewhat limited – despite its unquestionable skill. Also, isn’t there an awful lot of clearing up to do? Have you considered tennis balls instead?
Dear AZE22Dep
I fear that I cannot provide much help for you. We are creatures of habit you see – we need a stable routine of some sort. Without one, we quickly become disturbed and disorientated. Unfortunately, we also hate to be bored – especially by routines. Thus it seems we are destined to be eternally trapped in the tentacles of dichotomous dissatisfaction. My only suggestion is that you set up a rigid routine of some sort, then regularly break it. Well, that’s what I do.
Dear Y-Twan222
No, whilst I admire a great deal your desire to explore international cuisine, I cannot, and indeed will not give you any advice on a recipe for “Shepherd’s Kidney pie”. I should point out to you that this quite atrocious dish is almost certainly illegal ( unless perhaps you live in [deleted] ) - and you should forthwith delete it from your culinary wishlist. Why not consider a Ploughman’s Rarebit instead ?
Dear Zededbebebeb
Yes, I have to agree with you, of all artistic depictions of so-called ‘Religious
Leaders’ Buddha consistently seems to be the most cheerful-looking.
I cannot say why this might be, or what we may infer from it. Maybe ( unlike
the others ) he just didn’t take himself too seriously, or perhaps
he simply liked to get a bit merry after a hard day’s contemplating
?
Dear ProtoDave
Of course I very much sympathise with your complaint about the length of time you have to spend queuing in your local supermarket. Naturally I never use them myself ( I send my [deleted] instead !) But may I offer a constructive suggestion ? I’m sure that you will have noticed that the 10-items-or-less queue concept is a dismal failure. It always has just as many waiting. That is because the idea is 180 degrees misconceived. Back to front. Haywire. Your supermarket needs a ‘ Premium Queue ’ instead. One where there is a 20% surcharge. I should say that when I have mentioned this idea on previous occasions I have been met with a barrage of accusations - citing elitism. And I agree, it is elitist – in the same way as, say, first-class airline travel and private medical care, both of which seem to be accepted quite readily by society (and even more so by anyone who has the money).
Dear KenTheObskewer
Many, like yourself, have asked “ What is the most complicated
machine ever built by mankind ?” And many have received the
wrong answers. For
example . . .
‘The Space Shuttle‘. Wrong.
‘The Large Hadron
Collider at CERN’. Wrong.
'The US electricity grid'. Wrong. All wrong.
And you do not need to look very far for the correct answer. In fact,
in all probability, you are looking at it right now. It is of course ‘ The
Internet ’. Think for a moment of the number of transistors
(processor and memory) in a commonplace computer. In even the humblest
modern-day machine
this runs into five billion or so. Now ponder the thought that your computer
is connected to all the others on the internet. Current estimates put
that number at around seven billion ( that’s excluding the
dataservers ! ). Thus this one man-made ‘machine’ has, at
a very, very, conservative estimate, at least 35 million-trillion interconnected
transistors
capable
of exchanging electronic impulses with each other at any given time.
To put that into perspective, it’s roughly the total number of
individual cells in the all the bodies of all the inhabitants of a small
town. Now imagine,
for a moment, a
single creature
with that number of cells, and what it could achieve ! Odd then, don't
you think, that the Internet is mostly just [deleted] and [deleted] ?
Now I feel some supplementary questions might be on the way. . . Is the
Internet capable of becoming Intelligent ? Does it have Emergent properties
? Could
it develop a Soul ? Oooh, oooh, oooh !
No, no, and no. Big doesn't always mean smart. Big often means dumb.
Dear Tasj88
Thank for your helpful suggestion. I was pondering the idea of experimenting,
when my [deleted] pointed out that your proposition
may in fact be a carefully disguised insult. Made aware of that, naturally
I became keen to know what
kind of person would send me such a nefarious - and quite frankly dangerous
- recommendation.
I deduce in the first instance that you are over 45 years old. Very few below
this age even know what a ‘mangle’ is. Secondly, you are from
Australia. Only there do people use the word [deleted] for [deleted] instead
of the more usual [deleted].
To further assist with my enquiries I enlisted the help
of my high-technology colleague, Dave, who has been kind enough
to run his SubGisting algorithm over your e-mail. His programme
not only extracts the underlying ‘Gist’ of the text – but
delves further, and can root out any covert and almost invisible ' SubGist
' as well.
Thus I am now in a position to know that you are a 47 year old unmarried
Australian, male, and presently domiciled in St. Kitts. You have grey hair,
are considerably overweight
and with a slight limp caused by a gouty right ankle. You have a substantial
offshore bank balance. You collect beermats and it looks as though you might
be a subscriber to ‘ Hare & Hounds ’.
I could go on and give your name and address, your tax number, your phone
number, and even your Twitter password – but I shall not.
For I see no point in making your obviously miserable and twisted existence
even more
so.
Other than that, many thanks, I might just give it a whirl anyway.
Dear TandeffDon
I’m sorry, but I really do not understand your question. What do you
mean when you ask “ Which things are recyclable ? “ Everything
is recyclable. I cannot think of one example of an object or product which
isn’t. In the end, it’s just a matter of time and expense. There
are some things, I grant, where the recycling process would probably cause
a greater negative impact on the environment than if you had simply shoved
it in the garbage can and forgotten about it. Say, for example [deleted].
As always, just because something is possible doesn’t necessarily mean
it’s a good idea.
Dear TubaSma44
You asked “Are the spaces between words as important as the words
themselves?” Let me answer by way of an example : First,
your question presented in a form with the spaces removed : “Arethespacesbetweenwordsasimportantasthewordsthemselves?”
And now, the same sentence with the words removed, leaving just the spaces
:
“ ?”
Which do you find to be the most intelligible ?
Dear Claud35Claud
I do not really have any views on reincarnation in the accepted sense of the word. And indeed I do not usually see any point in discussing matters of unfalsifiable religious beliefs. But, in this case, I would point out that all living things are really just temporary entropy anomalies. And, if our current understanding of cosmology is broadly correct, then in the end nearly all atoms will ultimately become recycled on a truly cosmic scale. Furthermore, the majority of the atoms which form your-good-self are likely to be more than 10 billion years old - and will have already been recycled and reused countless times. And of course they could well have resided in past lifeforms. So yes, on an atomic scale, it’s not just likely, it's almost inevitable.
Dear Steev0flattery
Many thanks for your kind, and highly imaginative, advice. But I doubt that it would fit. I’ll give it a try and let you know. In fact I’ll send you a photo.
Dear Qantiflier
You asked “ What’s the strongest glue ?“ As you
may be aware, I’m particularly fond of questions, like yours, which,
at first glance look very simple, but that have answers which aren’t.
You see, odd as it may seem, all glues depend, in the end, on ‘electrodynamic’ forces
to hold things together. The electrons in the outer ‘shells’ of
the gluey atoms ( which form the gluey molecules ) interact with the electrons
in the outer ‘shells’ of the substrates to which they are attached.
These interactions are, in the main, attractive in nature. Thus the glue ‘sticks’.
But, since we must look for our answers at the atomic level, we may as well
then ask ‘Are the atoms of any substance in a sense ‘glued’ together
?’ In my long reflections on the subject, I have not been able to think
of any reason why they're not ! Thus I suggest to you that the strongest
glue is the one which holds diamonds together.
Dear BezzaDagrate
Yes, of course, many people, like yourself, would love to experience the feeling of zero-gravity ( or more accurately ‘low gravity’ ) in space. Non-astronauts can do so – given the budget – by booking a seat ( or should I say non-seat ?) aboard the Vomit Comet. Or similar. An aircraft which is piloted to follow a steeply parabolic flight-path which induces zero gravity for a minute or so ( sadly, many participants become very nauseous – hence the name ). If you do not have the financial means to afford such a trip, then why not take the cheaper option? Although overlooked by many, it’s actually rather easy to achieve weightlessness on a very low budget. All you have to do is jump-off something. If you were to, say, jump off a dining-room chair you will become weightless – albeit for a very short time. This period of zero-g can easily be extended by jumping off a higher object. In fact, the higher it is, the better. Annoyingly though, the effect breaks down after a few seconds due to wind resistance - when one reaches the so-called ‘Terminal-Velocity’ of 120mph or so. You can, to an extent, get around this by jumping off a great height in a highly aerodynamic enclosed container, in which case the time period of weightlessness will be considerably longer, for the Terminal Velocity is much higher – though, sadly, much more Terminal.
Dear CalaGalvanic
Rubbish ! The new digital LED-LCD flat TV screens are not a patch on the old ones. The original analogue Cathode Ray Tubes are incomparably superior. They have far more depth, warmth, and are altogether, how shall I say, ‘more rounded’ than their modern counterparts. Sadly, it’s getting increasingly difficult to watch programmes on the old sets, but a colleague who is versed in the art of electronics has made a wonderful conversion system for me. It captures the new digital TV signals and faithfully transforms them back into analogue using a 16-bit D to A converter chip. I feed the resulting signal into my 15 inch RCA CT-100 analogue set – the image is simply marvellous. None of that nasty, edgy, jittery glare one sees on the new screens. I can also watch DVDs through the same converter, and have recently purchased a full set of the excellent TV series The Prisoner – it’s so realistic that I honestly feel that I’m back in 1968. Again.
Dear Cranbreh22
Yes, yes, you are quite correct. As Einstein himself discovered more than a hundred years ago, E = mc2 etc. ( I should point out that c2 is simply a constant, a fixed number which is used to keep the scale right ). And so mass is equivalent to energy and vice versa. Unfortunately though, he wasn’t able to explain what ‘energy’ is. And since then, no-one else has been able to either. I’m not sure where that leaves us. And I don’t entirely subscribe to the views of the “Look, it’s just there ok - get over it” crowd. Like you, I would like to know where it came from, where it’s going, and why nowadays I don’t seem to have enough of it without [deleted] .
Dear Orootahboy
Of course I am aware of the research which you mention regarding the ability
of dolphins and porpoises to allow just one half of their brain to sleep
whilst the other half remains awake. Though frankly I must say that I find
it utterly unsurprising. I have many human acquaintances who practice exactly
the same technique. The only difference I can see between them and their
aquatic cousins is that they do it during the day.
Dear Travollatah
You pose the question ” When I host a dinner party, should I serve the best wine at the beginning and work towards the rough stuff – or vice versa ? “
This is a very complex question. If you serve the best first, then there may well be some hardened drinkers amongst your guests who will notice that quality is degrading as the evening wears on. They’ll have spotted your clandestine tactics. On the other hand, if you start with the cheaper wines, you’ll no doubt offend the sophisticated vinophiles right from the very start. Perhaps then, you could introduce a random element – that is say, serve each guest one glass at a time from a randomly selected bottle. This will no doubt spark-up some lively disagreements ! What you must not do – in any circumstances – is to mix all the wines together in a large vat and then serve from that. If you do so, the optimists will be disappointed and the pessimists pleasantly surprised – something, I need hardly point out, to be avoided at all costs.
Dear 3030GnaSwell
No, You have nothing to fear regarding “…the radioactivity
leaking out” from the your luminous watch dial. It’s
there alright, I’ll
grant you, but at such low levels that you would literally have to
eat the thing to do yourself any damage.
Oh, no, you haven’t have you ?
Dear vAl234Reg
You should be able to claim a refund.
[ Eiron , can you please try to expand on the answers a little ? Many thanks, Ed. ]
Dear Aspirater77
I assume you are joking.
Dear Twainsp0tta
Oh yes, I heard about that.
Dear FlOuing
Yes, but not both at the same time surely ?
Dear IffyWifi
You are quite correct. Every time you are bitten by a bed-bug, some of your
DNA ( in your blood cells and plasma ) will be transferred to the despicable
beast. But . . . I really do think that it is very unlikely that it will
be able to use it in any way other than as a food resource. Your worries
about transferring your ‘Human-ness’ or even your ‘Soul’ (
whatever that is ) to the insect are, in my opinion, entirely unfounded.
I should point out though that there is no obvious reason ( to me at least
) why such a strategy could not be adopted by some theoretical lifeform as
a way of ‘Evolutionary Leapfrogging ’.
In fact, the more I consider it, the more surprised I am that there isn’t
one !
Dear MouseTaskReplica
Regarding your question “ Is it possible that every black hole has another universe inside it ?” The answer is, of course, emphatically – No, no & no. There can only ever be one universe, the clue is in the name, especially the - uni - part. It’s like wondering if a unicycle can have more than one wheel – if it does, then it’s not.
Dear StruProp
I wouldn’t worry too much about learning all the languages for the countries you are about to visit on your round-the-world trip. Specifically, with regard to the question which you raise about ordering food in restaurants, here’s my tip. Wherever you go, always order the same thing, sticking closely to the following menu.
‘Hamburger’ accompanied by ‘Banana’.
( ‘Mango’ also works well, even in China – but
they’re
not always readily available. ) And followed by ‘Coffee’ (
also try the variant ‘Café’ ). If you’re
thirsty, order ‘Champagne’ too.
And, if you like, top it off with a ‘Whiskey’ and
perhaps a 'Chocolate ' or two.
You will be understood in just about every country on the planet.
p.s. Never be tempted to order a Welsh Rarebit in Paraguay – not because
you may not be properly understood – but because of what you will get
if you are.
Dear Matrix404Underscore
Ah yes, how drôle, how amusing, how [deleted] [deleted]. I had never heard that before. Well, not since I was at school anyway. But actually, my surname is pronounced foy-eh, not foy-ur. Oh, did I mention [deleted] [deleted] ?
Dear HopenSt4nce
You asked “Why is the world so full of hatred ?” I do not know, but I urge you not to be too harsh on the concept of hatred per-se. For example, I hate it when the ring-pull breaks off a tin of sardines. I have no regrets whatever about it. I also hate that grey dust which accumulates in subway stations across the world. I hate mosquitoes, midges, horseflies, and most especially deer ticks. I hate bankers awarding themselves gargantuan bonuses which are to be paid by the taxpayers. I hate those pieces of skin which are forever peeling off around one’s fingernails. Am I wrong ?
Dear Qu4ckt4mer
I am intrigued, of course, to hear that you are “ Developing a
new immersive multitasking technology that will radically alter the way
in which
humans can interact with their informational environment " and wish
you the best of luck with it. But before you spend too much time and effort,
can I suggest a simple thought experiment which will reveal in great clarity
how well it will be utilised and received ?
All you have to do is ask yourself ‘ Would our ancestors half a
million years back have been comfortable with it ? ’ If not, you
can, and should, forget it. No-one will cope. Bear in mind something like
this. How very few people can talk on the telephone without gesticulating
with their arms and hands – even though they know perfectly well that
the person listening has no chance whatever of seeing them. Such actions
clearly
must
have been
very useful
as a communication enhancer all those millennia ago – but now are anachronistic,
futile, and actually rather pathetic. Similarly, try whistling tunefully
and [ deleted ] at the same time. Almost no-one
can manage it – it
is simply because, for all of human existence until now, no one ever had
a need to do such a thing. Our brains are simply not wired for it. Quite
rightly so in my opinion.
Dear TropioDaThird
I am sorry to hear that you have fallen over and injured your hip. And,
yes, this is something that becomes more common – and more dangerous – as
one gets older. As you mention, low calcium levels do exacerbate the problem – but
the real fault lies not in mineral levels -– but in the education system.
You see, we should all be taught at school how to fall over properly. There
are many techniques which have been developed over the years by judo experts,
parachutists and, of course, clowns. They work extremely well. One clown
I know of, who is of very advanced age, can fall-over from a standing position
onto a hard floor at the drop of a hat – and regularly does so. He
never hurts himself at all. He is so well trained that it is all completely
instinctive – a learned-reflex reaction if you like. All schoolchildren
should be taught these vital techniques and practice them regularly until
they become utterly automatic. In later years this will save them – and
state-funded health services – a great deal of pain, time and trouble.
Dear Gradvolpe
“ How can I work my way up to the top floor ? “ you
enquired. Why would you want to do that ? Perhaps you aren’t aware
that things have radically changed – one might even say ‘ turned
on their head ’ - since the unhappy events surrounding the two three World
Trade Center buildings in New York. Nowadays, all the top executives
in blue-chip firms demand offices on the lowest floors. Lifts (elevators)
and staircases
are regarded with great scepticism if not disdain. In fact, as a rule of
thumb vis-a-vi modern-day top-of-the-range office accommodation,
the lower the floor, the higher the status of its occupants ( basements excluded
of
course ).
The penthouse suites of those very high office blocks are actually
now occupied by janitors, telephone sanitisers, boiler maintenance and
Human Resources - just joking on the last one ;-)
– oh, unless that’s what you’re aiming at of course.
Dear number39482377
You asked ‘ How can I get an agent ? ‘ – but omitted to
say what line of business you are in. Fortunately, it does not matter. The
answer is the same. If you are already successful, then agents will contact
you. If you are not - then you can forget it . . . at least . . . well, almost
. . .
For there are ways to short-circuit this rather obvious mutually-exclusive
flip-flop scenario.
I suggest that you practice adopting a fake ‘foreign’ accent,
and learn the technique of speaking incoherently ( but very passionately
) about your chosen field. People will take you more seriously. Trust me
- this will work, I have witnessed it in action many times.
Now, call up
and inform a selection of prospective agents that you’re only ‘ in
town ’ for a day or two – ' you’re on your way to Liechtenstein
to check your investments '. Complain bitterly about the first-class recliners
on ( insert airline of choice here ). Some of the agents will almost certainly
call you in for a visit.
When you go to meet them you should dress either extremely scruffily or
use
the
very
best
available upmarket suits and accessories ( Hire them for the day if you
have to.) You can even mix-and-match the two styles if you like. But never,
ever, use attire which falls anywhere in-between - i.e. 'ordinary'.
Getting the picture ?
In short, it is almost always possible to find a way of pulling the wool
over the eyes of those who make their living by doing the same . . . They
won’t
be expecting it. Good luck ! And let me know how you get on ( when I’m
back from Liechtenstein ).
Dear gnomemire
Yes, yes, of course I have noticed that “ … objects tend to accumulate on any available horizontal flat surface – such as a table ”. To obviate, you should reduce the length of any two adjacent legs of any three or four-legged tables in your possession by 50%. I can guarantee this will help – and you can enhance the effect further by smearing the top engine oil ( recycled of course ).
Dear Cloff21H
No, in the same way that you should never reply to spam, do not,
under any circumstances, register your telephone number with a do-not-call
database.
What do you think they do with all the numbers ? They sell them of course
! To telemarketing companies.
Here is a tip : you may have noticed that when
you receive a telemarketing cold-call there is usually a short though
significant (silent) delay before the caller comes on the line to beleaguer
you. This
is because the numbers are dialled at random by a computer system. After
dialling, the computer is programmed to ‘listen ’ for the
standard ‘number-unobtainable’ tone,
and if it ‘hears’ one it redials a new number.
All you have to do whistle an approximation of the tone down the line
every time you pick up the phone ! I grant that it does take a bit of
practice to master the
dual-frequency tones, but once you have it, it works beautifully – and
is marvellously satisfying.
Dear RobPaftther
No, you should never use an electric fan heater to heat your house – they
are extremely inefficient and therefore run quite contrary to the current
requirements for responsible energy consumption. You should use an air conditioning
box instead. No, don’t laugh - allow me to explain. The traditional
air-conditioning boxes which you see poking out of windows in just about
every country south of France and north of New Zealand, are reasonably efficient
devices. Certainly at least when compared to a fan heater. I suggest that
although you are resident in a country which has a temperate climate, you
should immediately purchase an aircon box and install it back to front.
In this way, the heat which comes out of the back of the box, which is now
( unconventionally ) facing into your room – will warm your residence
rather well. At the same time, the other side – which expels cold air – will
be outside your house and will be one of the very few machines which will
actually assist in cooling-down the environment !
As I reside in a country which is rather hot in summer and rather cool in
winter, I have installed all of my aircon boxes on rotatable swivel mountings – I
simply spin them around when the seasons change ( or actually, I get my [deleted] to do it ! ).
Dear AmHim33
I am sorry to hear that you have difficulty in making decisions. You may
be interested in a new electronic device which I am in the course of developing.
It has the working title of ‘ Personal Routine Organiser Device ‘.
For resources, it uses co-ordinates from three international Global Positioning
Satellite networks,
an AI-enhanced diary and habit-tracing user-agent system based on fuzzy logic,
and an mp3 player.
It only takes a few days to ‘train’ the neural network chip, and after that you can leave the earpiece in 24/7 if you wish. You will never ( or, more accurately, I should say rarely ) have to concentrate on anything again. The device will do it for you. If you are not yet convinced, I provide the following edited transcript which was recorded on a recent test and is reproduced verbatim here :
“ Now it’s time to leave the cinema – get up and walk to your left – exit the cinema and proceed to the café 100 metres – two minutes available for mind-wandering – find mobile (left hand trouser pocket) – call partner – arrange pizza for 9-15 Monday – arranged? – press Y/N – sorry I did not receive key input, waiting - Y- good - exit café – walk 35 metre$ t0 l£ft &%£$ - battery exhausted . . . “
As you can see there are still minor teething problems, but I am confident that we have now resolved the battery issue, this was an atypical event which was caused by a short circuit in the thorium-based miniaturised reactor cell.
Dear Alum.bob.ted
Yes, of course ‘ money stinks ‘. Hold a few coins in your hand for thirty seconds, then put them aside – now smell your hand. It couldn’t be plainer could it ? Now ( if you are fortunate enough ) take a note from your wallet and sniff it. Does it not have a strong and distinctive odour ? Have you never tried such things before ? Honestly, I really do wonder sometimes. Oh I see . . . you were making a philosophical statement – in that case, honestly, I really do wonder sometimes.
Dear Pas284h
I find the ‘ passive learning ‘ technique ( or as I prefer to call it the ‘sponge method ‘ ) for learning a foreign language to be by far the best approach. Thus I have recently set the GPS navigation system in my Bentley to read out the directions in Catalan. After just three days, I already know the Catalan for ‘left’, ‘right’, ‘straight ahead’, ‘stop’ and ‘too late’.
Dear DrilBeat
Any person may obtain a certification to operate an open video system pursuant to Section 653(a)(1) of the Communications Act, 47 U.S.C. 573(a)(1), except that an operator of a cable system may not obtain such certification within its cable service area unless it is subject to ‘effective competition’ as defined in Section 623(l)(1) of the Communications Act, 47 U.S.C. 543(l)(1).
But you knew that didn’t you ? Why did you ask me then ?
Dear TweetMasterFlash
Twice in total. Once because of an undercooked lobster, and once because of a performance of Johan August Strindberg’s ‘ Spöksonaten ‘ in Stockholm.
Dear EweDec03
No, as far as I am aware, there are no formal scientific studies into ‘luck’. The problem lies in the difficulty of getting ‘luck’ to appear on demand – thus rendering luck-based experimental endeavours extremely tricky to organise. All I can do is to point you in the direction of author Mark Twain, who is reputed to have said “ The harder I work, the luckier I get ”
Dear Tus5wurd
Thank you for sending me the ‘ fossilised dinosaur bone ‘ – and yes, I think I may be able to assist in its identification! It appears to be a femur of a creature approximately 15 to 20 cm in height, and its rather lightweight internal structuring leads me to believe that it originated from a taxonomic class very much like the one we now call the ‘ Aves ‘. And it probably had at least some capacity for flight – but perhaps only for short distances. As you point out, the evident carbonisation of some parts of the bone confirm that it has at some stage been exposed to high temperatures – though I am not convinced that it was ‘ during a firestorm caused by a huge asteroid ‘ as you suggest. I have also determined that the radial striations - the deep scratches which you mention - were not ‘ caused by the grazing action of high speed meteoric particles ‘ but are, in fact, teethmarks! Which, judging by their nature, were probably made by a large-ish omnivorous mammal. Most indicative indeed – since no such mammals were extant during the epoch when dinosaurs roamed the Earth. Leading me to believe, or perhaps even insist, that the bone is from a much later period than you suggest. That would also help to explain the fact that it’s so astonishingly well preserved – in almost pristine condition in fact.
p.s. I am returning the fossil to you in the KFC box in which it arrived.
Dear R3pMask
No, you should never lick a toad of any description. Yes, yes, I do know that some people make a habit of such things – but I urge you to consider the risk / benefit equation – bearing in mind that some species are so intensely poisonous that one lick can result in a full-on purple-faced cardiovascular collapse a few minutes later. Is it really worth it – just for a vaguely lightheaded woozy incoherent glittery feeling ? ( as I’m reliably informed ). If you are determined to get caned, why not stick to a couple or five stiff dry martinis ? That's what I do. I mean did.
Dear Bettanott
If you want to make a ‘ lake ‘ for a model railway set, then I suggest that you use it matte side up. If you are stranded on a desert isle without a mirror, you could gaze at the shiny side. If you are cooking something, it won’t make a bean of difference one way or the other.
Dear carlspecta
Take my advice and don’t waste your time wondering about the possibilities of ‘ robot physicians ‘ and ‘ telemedicine ‘. If you do insist ( on wondering ), then why not buy a voice-synthesis package for your computer and programme it to say " Ummm, now, ummmm, take these antibiotics and come back in a week. Next ! “ Trust me, I have seen the future, and it’s . . . well, very much the same actually - only quicker.
Dear Rennethordon01
Actually, the phenomenon which you describe is rather well known – but there is as yet no convincing scientific explanation for it. Nevertheless it is common that, when taking an offhand quick glance at a large-ish clock, the a second-hand appears to jump backwards for the first second.
In answer to the second half of your question “ - should I be worried about it ? “ the answer is, no, of course not. Though you should perhaps be concerned if the minute-hand appears to jump back as well. If the hour-hand jumps back then you should certainly book a consultation with an horologist ( or a [deleted] ).
Dear Disc0v4h
I must say I am most impressed with the direct, straight to the point, no nonsense approach which you take when pose the disarmingly simple question “ So how old are you ? “
Let me just say that I am no spring chicken. In fact not even a summer pheasant. Perhaps I could best be described as an autumnal grouse – but certainly not a winter snipe ( let alone a frozen woodcock ).
Dear GllooF4sta
This answer has been intentionally left blank.
[ Eiron, could you stop doing this please. Many thanks, Ed. ]
Dear NinFoss4d
Yes, you are quite correct. Managing to say something interesting in just 140 characters is extremely challenging. That is why so many people ( like me ) rapidly give up after a few attempts. The reality is that 70 – 80% of users don’t even last a month.
Could I suggest that you explore the possibilities of MicroTwitz instead ? It has a character limit of just 3. Although I haven’t used the service personally, I am informed that codes such as the following may be employed with great effect.
“i L 8 ” means “ I am running a bit behind, and may be a little delayed.”
“u 4 t ” means “ Are you likely to have time for tea and biscuits ? “
“ i 8 1 “ means “ Thanks, but I’ve had one already “
" U2@ " means “ I am not entirely sure that I agree with you 100% “
Or you could try the NanoTwitz service, with its even less challenging 1 character limit.
If this is still too overambitious, then may I suggest as a last resort, PicoTwitz – which only allows two specific ascii characters , “ ? ” and “ ! ”
Dear JoQuad33
Your Q.
“ Would a piledriver work on the Moon ? “
My A.
Errr . . . hardly. There’s simply no atmosphere.
Dear H0telMagnus
Yes, extraordinary as it may seem, there are quite a number of luminous mushroom species occurring quite naturally – especially in the tropics. The exact mechanisms behind their bioluminescence are unknown – as are any possible evolutionary advantages for the fungi concerned. In general they are now somewhat rare in the wild – most of them having been found and uprooted by academic and/or corporate researchers ( plus the odd [ deleted ] -head of course ). Perhaps something to do with the fact that although the majority are rather small – just a few millimeters in diameter, they are, needless to say, quite easy to spot ( at night ).
Dear VivGanza
You asked “ On examination, do certain belief system paradigms collapse into an object/subject properties matrix in which some entity transformations are auto-conformed whilst rejecting the experiential relationships with the coherent-less remainder ? “
Can do, but not necessarily. As a metaphor, perhaps you could consider the possibility of [ deleted ] [ deleted ] [ deleted ] [ deleted ] [ deleted ] with, for example, a shaving mirror. I sincerely do hope so.
Dear TrowSh4d
Your Q.
“ If I prune my hydrangeas will they grow quicker ?”
My A.
Yes.
Dear Failo9765Y
Your Q.
“ If I shave my eyebrows, will they grow thicker ?”
My A.
No.
Dear LipHook33
You were wondering “ What measures should I take before the world ends, as I believe it will, in 2012 ? “
Tricky one.
First : spend ( or even better give away ) all your money. Second : cancel all dentists’ appointments ( what’s the point ? ). Third : tell everyone whom you love that you love them. Fourth : deeply insult everyone you wish you had deeply insulted before ( esp. applies to banks ). Fifth : watch at least one episode of Fawlty Towers. Sixth : unplug all electric blankets. Seventh : release any domestic or farm animals ( esp. bees ). Eighth : adopt the brace position.
I am not nearly as pessimistic as you are, but I usually perform all most
of the above on a weekly basis just in case.
Dear Ferer3rererer
Many apologies for the delay in responding. I have been puzzling over the
answer, and even as yet do not have a solid response. You asked ‘ How
much electrical power does the Internet consume ?’
I can say that, given the truly enormous numbers of active computers running
at any given time, at the very least it will be in the range of many hundreds
of Megawatts, possibly into Gigawatts per hour.
However . . . it’s also a fair bet that the internet saves a
great deal of power as well – think of all the courier journeys, trips
to the shops, libraries, council offices, etc which are no longer necessary.
To say nothing
of all the plastic saved by the non-purchasing of CDs and DVDs. There are many
hundreds of other energy-saving examples – far too many to list in fact.
In short, I just do not know – and can say with some confidence ( and
some sadness given the enormity of the question ) that no-one else does either.
Dear LucaeViridae
Whilst I agree to some extent with your observation that it may be beneficial to eat so-called ‘live’ foods ( yoghurt, fresh nuts etc ) on a regular basis, I would urge caution - for the notion should not be adopted as failsafe. Several foods spring to mind which very definitely should not be consumed ‘live’ ( I shall leave it to your imagination ).
I prefer my [ deleted ] well and truly dead thank you very much ( or at least previously detached ).
Dear Font23438f
I have refrained before about tackling the concept of ‘ Dark Matter ‘ and ‘ Dark Energy ‘ in this column – not because of their controversial nature, but because it would be like discussing ‘The Art of [ deleted ]’ , or, ‘Haute Cuisine in the Czech Republic ‘.
Why should I waste my our time with obviously non-existent tittle-tattle ?
Plainly either the observations ( which led to the creation of these outlandish theories ) are wrong, or our understanding of the concept of universal ‘constants’ ( gravity, lightspeed etc etc ) is wrong – or, more likely, both.
Dear Bobhetda
This answer has intentionally been left blank.
[ Don’t make a habit of this please, thanks,
Ed. ]
Dear PairOffa
I’m sorry, but I really have no opinions on whether ‘ the current
financial crisis ‘ is ending. In fact I can not remember when the last
one ended. May I suggest though that instead of listening to politicians, pressure
groups and other interested parties spouting such trite puerile jejune and
wishy washy phrases as ‘ the Green Shoots of Recovery ‘ one
should pay attention instead to my very down-to-earth no-nonsense ‘ Brown
Smog of Recovery ‘ theory.
I am quietly confident that if one were to globally monitor the levels of manmade
air pollution one would have a very good real-world ( and almost real-time
) measure
of the activities of industrial corporations and consumers worldwide. Put bluntly,
if things are 'improving' it will be obvious via my Global Smog Index.
( The Baltic Dry Index isn’t bad either – though it’s really a measure of firms’ predictions about the future – which of course is an entirely different thing. )
Dear Flowb4ryy
Oh please don’t start on with that ‘ five senses ‘ nonsense. There are more than five. I started to count them the other day, but gave up at 12 due to giddiness. Of course you will not believe me. As Swift said “ It is impossible to reason a man out of something he was never reasoned into in the first place “. Now close your eyes and ask yourself this : Do you know which way up you are ? You do ? Splendid. Now is that through sight, smell, taste, touch or hearing ?
Dear D.Cranbold404
A ‘Linguistic Hedge ‘ is perhaps maybe to a certain extent.
Dear SxiSeven
You asked ‘ Do fish get drunk ? ‘ No, they get eaten.
Dear Bendabus
Allow me to enlighten readers about your theory before I answer. Bendabus reasons thus : It gets hot inside a greenhouse when the sun is shining, even when the temperature is low outside. It is, however, very easy to rapidly cool the greenhouse down – one simply breaks a window. Moving on, Bendabus suggests that a solution to ‘ Global Warming’ might be a simple ( though much larger ) metaphorical equivalent of breaking a window.
To which I reply ‘ Really ? And who will kick the first football ? ‘
Dear Henrythetenth
Actually you are wrong. A colleague of mine has recently invented what he calls a ‘ Monochromatic Monocle ‘. I can confirm not only that it does exist, but also that looking through it very efficiently converts all colour scenes into black and white. Currently there is no known purely optical system which can achieve this – but by the use of sophisticated electronics it is relatively straightforward. Because of the extensive Digital Signal Processing involved there is a slight but noticeable frame delay - a jerkiness which at first is rather unnerving - making the world look exactly like a film from the 1920s – but the effect soon wears off, and one is left with the sense of how it must feel to be a Daily Telegraph reader.
Dear Qinootq
Yes, delighted to help. ‘ Keyhole Dentistry ‘ is the same as ordinary dentistry, but you don’t have to open your mouth as wide.
Dear Traintharp404
I rather think that I may have answered this question before, but I shall continue nonetheless. You are deluded. Do you really think that the wonderful and alluring scent of the Frangipani flower was created for your benefit ? Of course it was not. Natural selection has seen to it that the fragrance has evolved over several millions of years to become a nearly perfect match not to the predilections of humans - but insects. I grant of course that it is a truly astonishing co-incidence that ( given the very extreme and obvious morphological and genetic differences between them and us ) we happen, by chance to find the scent very pleasant – as, evidently, do the bees.
Please do not take offence in any way at all, but if I may say so, the mistake which you make is a wonderfully fulsome example of crashing anthropocentric arrogance – and a warning that an observed effect does not by any means necessarily point (directly) at a cause.
Dear I4mn0t4numb3r
Ah yes, many thanks. Of course I have been meaning to initiate my TwitterVerseFeed for some time now, and your enquiry has goaded me to stick my digital toe in the virtual waters of the socialinterwebspace. Please find the rest of me here.
Dear FeeshMarup
Dreadfully sorry, but I cannot advise you regarding information on ‘ Photon Corkscrews ‘ .
In fact I’m not all that sure what a ‘ Photon Corkscrew ‘ is. Perhaps a device for opening wine bottles with a laser beam ? There are easier methods. Such as freezing the neck of the bottle in liquid nitrogen and sawing the top off with a nailfile. Or, you could perhaps use psychokinesis – you simply stare at the cork and will it to pop out. A very close colleague of mine has been attempting this for some years – though he has I’m afraid, remained, until now, frustrated ( and rather thirsty ).
Dear Alex203774
Don’t mind if I do.
Dear LawyaahSpeek01
Yes, I have come across the controversy regarding fishes shoaling. I’m
sure you won’t mind if I illuminate readers by saying that the intrigue
centres around the fact that it has been mathematically calculated that the
rapidity at which they have to manoeuvre in order to keep a tight formation
exceeds the speed at which the requisite nerve-based command signals can propagate
in each individual. Thus proving that a shoal of sardines is impossible.
I beg to differ, as I have observed the phenomenon with my own eyes. I submit
therefore that the explanation must lie in the fact that they think a good
deal faster than we do.
Given the difficulties presented by high speed underwater shoal tracking
could I suggest that you widen your research efforts on land instead ? How
about a direct comparison between human manoeuvring speed and that of birds
? You could perhaps start by chasing groups of wild geese ? Let me know how
you get on.
Dear Caramp503
I am not really sure how to answer your question ‘ Do ambient temperatures affect the rate of beard growth ? ‘
My first instinct would be to say
yes – but only ad extremis. Therefore at minus 50 and plus 90 Celsius
I would be fairly certain that beard growth might be severely curtailed ( rather
quickly ) . But in the middle ranges I am not so sure. What is known is that
beard growth is very much affected biorhythms. A now famous study found that
the beards of lighthouse keepers started to grow much more rapidly a few days
before shore-leave.
This area of study might be more profitable for your researches – perhaps
we could investigate the beard growth rates in space ? The trip to Mars will
be long and very boring – there will be an urgent need to keep the
crew occupied with quasi-pointless tasks such as beard measuring. Why don’t
you contact the American Russian Chinese
space agency and suggest it ?
Dear Arakapo
No, I am sorry, but I cannot advise you of any source that may be able to provide you with ‘ a photograph of Pythagoras ‘. I do have a photo of an Aristotle knocking around somewhere though – I can send you a copy if you like.
Ooops, my mistake, I meant to say Axolotl.
Dear CyLeedFeesh
You asked for ‘ examples of misnomers ‘ – I shall be delighted to provide some for you.
Happy Hour
Dry Cleaning
Express Check-out
Express Check-in
Customer Services
Stainless Steel
Civilisation
Dear Garciaetal
No professor, you are mistaken. For you are making the all too common mistake of assuming that we only see with our eyes. This is completely incorrect - we also see with our skin .
Now I can almost hear your tutting and sharp-intaking-of-breath from here – but try this simple experiment.
Stand near a good heat source – say a pizza oven – you will soon detect the oven’s heat irradiating your face.
Since the two objects are ( hopefully ) not touching, there is only one way that this detection can happen. The skin of your cheek is able to identify and quantify the infra-red radiation emanating from the oven.
You will be aware of course that infra-red is simply a lower-frequency form of visible light - transferred by photons. Thus one can ‘ see ‘ with one’s skin – and rather well too. When practiced, it is quite possible to detect such radiation at extremely low levels - flowing for example from a lukewarm object such as your own palm – held approximately 1 cm from one’s cheek. Try it and then tell me if I’m wrong.
Dear Zebworth III
You were wondering ‘ Why does the queue I pick in the supermarket always go slower ? ‘ On average, it doesn’t. It just seems that way because you have another queue on each side. Your chances of finding yourself in the slowest of three queues are increased - rather than the 50% chance you would have had there been just two queues. Once you understand the mathematics it is quite easy to circumvent. Always choose a queue at either the first or last checkout aisle.
Dear Tahfiknoy
You asked ‘ How do eyebrow hairs know when to stop growing ?’ This is a question which has puzzled scientists – and dare I say philosophers – for a very long time. The current consensus is that the follicle at the the base of the hair ( from whence it is extruded ) just gives up working after a certain time of operation ( rather than when the hair reaches a certain length ). Which I would roughly estimate as approximately six weeks. An interesting exception ( to which I have no explanation at all ) can be observed in the various cases of elderly male British politicians, where it appears to be a up to a year or so.
Dear DelfyIII
I am sorry to disappoint you, but the term ' Mushroom Billiards ' refers to a configuration space susbset of ergodic theory rather than the ‘ game played with vegetables ‘ about which you enquired.
[ I think DelfyIII might have been joking ? Ed . ]
Dear KoolF4cta
‘ Is spiders’ web really stronger than steel thread of the same thickness ? ‘ you enquired. Well, I have often seen this stated in various scientific studies – but I really do have my doubts. Though I shall certainly be ready to believe it when I see the scientists concerned drive into work over a suspension bridge held up with spiders’ web instead of steel cables.
Dear HouLiDynza
Yes ! The quality of the fuel which you purchase for your car has an enormous effect on the machine’s performance and longevity. I never quite understand why people make such a fuss about the character of the wine which they drink and then fill their luxury automobile with junk-fuel.
In my opinion the very best petrol ( gasoline ) is to be found in Ireland - on the R600, just outside Cork, between Riverstick and Belgooly. As an aficionado of fine automobiles, I often make the journey across there to get tanked up with what must be the world’s smoothest, roundest, ebullient, enthusiastic, and most fluent of fuels. Without any artificial ingredients I might add. It even has a wonderful aroma.
[ Though no one should ever deliberately sniff hydrocarbon fuels of any kind . Ed. ]
Contrast this with the worst gasoline ( petrol ) that it is possible to imagine – which
I once had the misfortune to encounter on a stopover at the Pacific island
of Guam (
near Marizo in the south). This thoroughly brutal slop is acrid, edgy,
unpredictable, desidious, and stinks of creosote. My Bentley took months to
recover. This
noxious stuff should never be allowed for sale, except perhaps for cleaning
paintbrushes.
In short, petrol (gasoline ) can be refined in more ways than one.
Dear vOakren
I acknowledge receipt of your parcel, but I regret that for ethical ( and hygienic ) reasons I normally cannot accept any large perishable organic gifts. On this occasion I may well contact my taxidermist though - thank you.
Dear SoldeTarde
Your question ‘ Why are we the only animal with pubic hair ‘ is misconceived to the point of being downright befuddled.
Please focus. We are not the only animal. Just look around at the nearest available cat, dog, horse, rat, capybara, or indeed just about any other mammal or marsupial you care to name *. They all have it. In that they are covered by hair on just about every region of their ( external ) body. We are unique in the mammalian kingdom because of the regions where we do not have hair rather than the ones where we do.
* Yes, yes, I am aware of course that there are some exceptions - such as the dolphin and the naked mole rat. – but I do not think this detracts in any way from the more general point.
Dear PolkaDort
It is a source of amusement and despair in equal doses when I receive the very same questions time after time. I shall, nevertheless, tirelessly delight in answering your query regarding -
‘ Which way should I locate my toilet roll on its holder – rolling off from the underside ( i.e. with the next available paper nearest the wall ) or rolling off from the top ? ‘
As I have explained many times in earlier in this column
[ ummmm, are you sure about that ? I can’t find it Ed. ]
the answer depends on which hemisphere of the Earth in which you are domiciled. Users in the Southern hemisphere should ensure that the roll dispenses anti-clockwise, and in the North, needless to say the reverse applies.
Never ever be tempted to use or install the ‘ flat-pack ‘ type. ( remember Jeyes ™ ? ) or all [ deleted ] hell could break loose.
Dear DavePerl88
You asked “ Are geographic locations able to be trademarked in [the] UK “ The answer is yes and no.
Of course it would be ludicrous if one could ‘ trademark ‘ a set of mapping coordinates - but many place names are indeed copyright protected, and should not be used without the owner’s permission. For example Cheddar® ( in relation to cheese ) , Axminster® ( in relation to carpets ), Pentonville® ( in relation to rubber ) etc etc etc.
Dear 5574BoiVer
In these times of financial uncertainty, it is simply not possible to protect oneself entirely against losses. I sympathise, of course, regarding your concerns about how to safeguard your assets “ if a giant asteroid is on track for Earth “ – perhaps I can inform you about an (ex) colleague of mine who has devised a method affording at least some protection.
For tax reasons he travels a great deal, and, each time he moves, he arranges that his assets ( which are mostly in the form of great-master artworks ) are transported to secure storage locations on the opposite side of the planet relative to wherever he happens to be. Thus, if he is staying in Japan, he stores them in Brazil, if he’s in Greece, he ships them to New Zealand, etc. etc.
His rationale is that if the planet is struck by a large asteroid, then either his artworks will be instantly vaporized, or he will – but probably not both.
I confess that I have never quite fully understood his logic though. It seems to me that if his artworks were obliterated he would surely be a very unhappy man, and if he is . . . well then he wouldn’t be around to care one way or the other would he ?
Hope I have helped someway towards alleviating an all-too-common dilemma.
Dear UberG33k
I am sorry, but I simply cannot answer your question - since it contains a reference to a clearly non-existent group of people. There no such thing as a ‘ lifelong vegetarian ‘. At least I certainly hope not. Can I remind you that even the staunchest of vegetarians started off as a lactarian.
If you would care to re-submit your query in a suitably amended logically
consistent format I would be glad to give it all the consideration which it
deserves.
Dear GnaThemJim
Yes, I hear that the field of herpetological forensics is gaining some ground recently. You should consult the journal ' Applied Herpetology ' ( Vol. 5, Number 4, 2008 ) for detailed coverage.
I would very strongly discourage you however, from even thinking about using a reptile as a weapon of any sort. Since ancient times, many have done so - and the vast majority have gone on to regret it.
[ Can we please drop this pointless ping-pong ? Readers will just get confused, as they usually read the last entry first. Thanks, Ed. ]
Dear Ben66AT
As far as I know, no formal research project has ever tackled the interesting question which you tabled : “ If a mosquito bites someone who is drunk, will the insect suffer the consequences ? “.
Odd perhaps, bearing in mind how very plentiful ( viz. ‘cheap’ ) and highly compatible ( almost ‘ magnetic ‘ ) the three experimental requisites are : namely, alcohol, mosquitoes, and students.
The experiment might even perform itself ! I can think of a couple of universities where all three co-exist in huge quantities.
[ So I'm dull then am I ? Eiron. ]
Dear Fadasier
Plagues depend upon one's point of view. I do sympathise that an Australian winegrower such as yourself may well look upon locusts as a plague. On the other hand would not a local Kookaburra consider it as a complimentary bounty ? Similarly, Baleen Whales probably count human beings as a plague - but if you were a Krill, might you not see us as heroes ?
And if I were a grapefruit, would I prefer to be seeded or non-seeded ?
This very question was recently asked of Cambridge University entrants interviewees. With all due respect, whichever you chose as your answer, you were wrong - grapefruits do not have preferences.
D'you see ?
[ I’m just trying to brighten up the column a bit. Ed. ]
Dear Aii33zScrAll
I regret I cannot properly answer your enquiry without at least an attempt at disambiguation. Are you referring to the French dish or the musical embellishment ?
[ One doesn’t mean contumelious, does one ? Eiron ]
Dear klogBrek
Like everyone else, I have no clear explanation as to why modern motorcars are sold, almost exclusively, in the colours silver, white and black.
I do have a theory though - I believe it is due to demand(s) from the customers. Some types of people prefer a high-gloss ivy green with a walnut dash, chrome trim, and cream upholstery - others like silver fleck with black polystyrene. For some reason, there are more of the latter.
[ Can we pull back a notch on the supercilious lever please. Ed. ]
Dear GskjiBlowup
Let me first assure you that there are absolutely no occupations which are 100% risk free. I do sympathise though that someone such as yourself - and dare I say there can't be all that many ' stilt-artists ' about - may well find it quite hard to obtain suitable insurance cover. You could perhaps try the firms which insure building and construction sites, for stilts are quite routinely used by building workers - especially in Australia - for reasons which are not yet clear to me. Have you thought about becoming a stepladder-artist instead ?
Dear XiXTR33
One word. ' Hendiadys '
[ ummm, surely that's two words isn't it ? Ed. ]
Dear Varge87yy
The majority of the questions which I receive fall into the category of hard, very hard, or impossible. I regret that yours falls into this last class, but I shall demonstrate, I hope, that even though there are some important questions which simply cannot be answered, we can still act responsibly.
Now, you enquired with the deceptively modest query :
" In order to help save the planet, should I walk up an escalator, or just stand still ? "
I hope you will not be too disappointed if I explain why I cannot tell you.
Firstly, do we know how efficient the escalator machinery is ? Well, not offhand, but we could make a reasonable guess, or consult the manufacturer's data sheet. But then again, how efficient is the electrical delivery system which supplies its power ? And what about the generating stations - how efficient are they ? How much do they contribute to Global Warming ? And how efficient is your metabolism ? What about the food which you eat to get energy - how was it grown ? And the transportation overheads ? Is it farmed locally, or on the other side of the planet ? There's more yet. If you walk up you will be wearing away your shoe soles more quickly. Are they made from plastic ? How was it made ? From oil ? Deep-drilled or found near the surface ? Did I mention that you will be using more oxygen too. Which will have to be replaced via photosynthesis.
I could go on and on and on on this vein.
[ spare us, thanks, Ed. ]
But I shall save us both the mental exhaustion and say that we simply cannot know - it is a far too complex a system for us to fully map out.
There is, however, a simple solution to your dilemma. Since we cannot know the answer, we may as well guess 50 / 50 ? We may be right, we may be wrong. In that case, if you walk up half the time and stand still during the other journeys, no-one ( including yourself ) will be able to blame you.
Dear trip2Phame
I do not have any views one way or the other on the desirability of bodily piercings. I would, however, draw your attention to an almost completely overlooked side-effects of such endeavours.
I am of course referring to magnitudinous alterations in body topology.
As I am sure that you are aware, the usual topological configuration for a human-being is that of a torus. Without putting too fine a point on it, we are built - as indeed are all our predecessors from the humblest worm upwards - in the form of a tube, which is of course merely a stretched torus - or, if you prefer, a doughnut.
Each time one ads a piercing, one is also adding, in effect, another hole through which an article ( presumably a small one ) can pass completely through the body. I shall leave you to draw your own conclusions. - mathematical, or otherwise.
Dear LifMould
I believe that I may be of assistance. To put my readers in the picture, I hope that you will not object if I reveal that you are seeking a method of ' meeting people ' , but one which does not involve walking a dog, to which you are allergic.
I have a failsafe method which will afford you every opportunity to strike up a casual conversation with complete strangers.
First, buy yourself a lightweight polished metal tube about 30mm in diameter and 1.7 metres in height. Stainless steel or chrome finish is ideal. Now, holding the tube perfectly upright, seat yourself on a reasonably crowded public transport vehicle - say a bus, tram, or underground train.
I guarantee that within a very short time, someone will grab the tube, thinking that it is a handrail / support pole. They will however immediately realise their mistake, as the tube is not firmly rooted. At this point you pounce - with a remark along the lines of :
" Oh sorry, hah hah, It's just a curtain pole I'm taking home ! "
Unless they have no sense of humour whatsoever ( in which case there will be little point in getting to know them ) they will be highly amused and, with your support and guidance, a pleasant conversation may well strike up.
( I should say that I have never tried this ploy myself, but an acquaintance of mine has been using it for many years with great success - indeed, that is how I came to meet him in the first place. )
Dear AcAd-dem1
No, I prefer not to furnish you with any information as to where you might gain experience driving ' frok-lift trucks '.
My advice is that you should steer well clear of such things.
Dear ProUi2767
Yes you are perfectly correct in maintaining that throughout history, warfare ( like banking ) brings very substantial financial benefits to the very few at the expense of the very many. If I may point out though, bloodless revolutions, and the controlled disassembly of political blocks, can also make a tidy sum for a certain set of businessmen. I have it on very good authority that the world's biggest atlas publisher employs a full-time team of undercover ' agent provocateurs ' who travel the globe sowing the seeds of political dissent in bars, clubs and restaurants. Can you imagine the money to be made by supplying, worldwide, libraries, schools, shops etc with up-to-date versions incorporating the latest ( and perhaps artificially induced ) changes ?
Nice and cosy is it not ?
Dear Klift0Ngad
Yes, I couldn't agree more. The voguish practice of ' always being contactable ' when ' out of the office ' is counterproductive, retrogressive, and, above-all, boring.
My advice to you is to book yourself in for a couple of weeks at one of my favourite resorts – The Blackout Hotel in Porto Cervo.
The hotel has no wi-fi – indeed no internet connection at all. It has no telephones, no TV, no radio, and they don't accept telegrams. Furthermore, the entire building is encased in what is called a Faraday Cage - which is a form of electromagnetic shield. Therefore, inside the building, no cellphones will work either. Even incoming mail is delayed in a seven-day quarantine buffer by the concierge.
It is a simply wonderful place to stay. The management guarantee that your employers will not be able to bother you during your entire stay. ( Unless, of course, they happen to be staying there too . )
Dear Clup34rt
I am sorry ( though not in the least surprised ) to hear that your Shiny New Electronic Device - which was ' flavour of the month ' a mere ten weeks ago - has now been superceded and is considered obsolete. But honestly, what did you expect ? How on earth are the manufacturers to make yet more cash if consumers like yourself become content not to constantly upgrade ?
If I can be of assistance though – I suggest that you take your recently purchased SNED to my friend and associate Klaud Heipper who runs a what he calls a ' tommorowizing ' service in Lucerne. He tells me that, with the requisite expertise, almost any electronic device can be tommorowized.
To be perfectly honest though I have never quite fully understood exactly what it is that he does - but several devices which I have had prenovated with him are now very satisfyingly modernistic - and are waiting for the rest of the world to catch up.
Dear Hinkly42333
If I may be candid with you, I am rather loathed to believe that the so-called ' shark suits ' which competitive sports-swimmers are now using make any real measurable difference whatsoever. After all, the ' hundredths-of-seconds ' advantage which the makers ( and users ) claim, could, of course, be attributed to psychological , placebo-like effects. The competitor tries just that little bit harder because he/she has a ' hi tech ' suit – and a ' slipperier than thou ' attitude.
I propose instead a more subtle, considerably cheaper, and, for my part, an altogether more satisfying approach.
I have noticed that about half an hour after eating a nice buttery croissant, one can plainly detect the smell of butter oozing out of ones palms. And one's nose becomes greasier. ( Don't believe me - just try it. ) I suggest that the excess animal fats are being quickly mobilised towards the outer layers of skin where they can be utilised as an emollient ( or, if you prefer – ' got rid of ' )
Thus I maintain that, were an Olympic swimmer to eat, say, half-a-dozen nice buttery croissants before a match, the extra lubricating effect that would necessarily follow would be at least as effective as a ' shark suit '. ( Though admittedly less decorative ).
* * *
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