EIRON's ARCHIVES02
Our
restaurant and theatre critic Eiron Foyer responds to your technical
and scientific queries :
Eiron is paid. . . . . [ remember ? Ed. ] to answer a selection of your queries on a regular [ remember ? Ed. ] basis.
You can send a question via our contact form.
Dear Ypsalis
You asked if I “ could shed any light on the scientific aspects of candle-making as a hobby “.
Yes, I could, but I shall refrain from doing so. Please do not consider involving yourself with such a dangerous activity. Candles are one of the main causes of domestic conflagrations – and their use should not, under any circumstances, be encouraged or condoned.
I may point out that, if ‘ the candle ’ had just been invented, and was marketed as a light-source by its inventors, the company concerned would most certainly be prosecuted. The candle would fall foul of many of the very sensible regulations which protect society against seemingly innocent items which can, in fact, be highly dangerous in domestic situations.
Do not, as the saying runs, go there.
Dear Pripvat_less
Yes, eating small amounts of honeycomb ( often found in many ‘up-market’ jars of comestible honey ) is perfectly harmless. You will not suffer any ill effects. Though I would strongly urge you to make sure that no bees are in the vicinity whilst doing so. They are ( quite rightly in my view ) very protective of their combs, which took a great deal of time, trouble, and ingenuity to construct.
Dear zingLoda_23_albert
There are two methods which I can highly recommend for removing excess earwax.
1) Move to the tropics.
Or,
2) Lay face upwards in a bath of water as hot as you can bear. Then [ deleted ] [ deleted ] [ deleted ] [ deleted ] [ deleted ] [ deleted ] [ deleted ] [ deleted ] [ deleted ] [ deleted ] [ deleted ] until it is all removed.
[ Could we drop the ‘wax’ theme now
please ? thanks, Ed. ]
Dear Smaba_dronez
Yes, I would definitely recommend to you that you switch back to an ‘analogue’ mobile ‘phone provider rather than stick with the new digital services.
The analogue cellphones sound far superior. The audio quality is noticeably ‘warmer’ and does not have the harsh overtones which one finds in the digital varieties.
Furthermore, the signals are not subjected to the harsh encryption / decryption algorithms which are used on digital systems. Thus you can rely on the fact that your conversations will not be chopped up and later re-constituted. You wouldn’t want that to happen with your food would you ? So much less your trans-geographical lexical intercourse.
Dear Jiffy777_underscored
You asked if I have any ideas for uses for old PET bottles. I have absolutely no idea why anyone would want to keep a bottle as a pet. I am aware, however that there was, at the last Fin de Siècle, a widespread ‘craze’ for ‘pet rocks’ – so perhaps you do not require psychiatric help after all.
Dear ZzZImasleep
I do admit that it took me some time to come up with the answer to “ What is the largest single cell in the animal kingdom “.
You may have seen references to ovarian egg cells, and amoebas etc etc. Such pronouncements are entirely incorrect.
The largest animal cell of which I am aware is the neurone which provides touch / pain sensation to the tail of Balaenoptera musculus (the Blue Whale ) These neurones are indeed single nucleated cells, and stretch the entire length of the whale’s body, and, of course, they ultimately connect into the brain. Thus they often reach a length of 30Mtrs or so.
Perhaps, in the past, there were larger cells in various species of dinosaur
- that we can only surmise.
Dear HasTT200
Very many thanks for sending me the photo of you and your French poodle ‘Sultan’. I greatly empathise with your predicament, but, as far as I am aware, face-lifts for dogs would not generally considered ethically acceptable.
Given the – and I hope I may be frank here – the appallingly
gruesome visage only too evident in your photograph, it may be that you will
be lucky enough to find a suitably qualified veterinary cosmeticist who will
make an exception for you.
Dear TweenPicks
I am very happy that you enquired about the ' escape velocity ' we hear so much about with regard to space shots.
It is often assumed that the escape velocity is the speed which a rocket must attain in order to achieve Earth orbit. This is entirely incorrect. A rocket can go as slow as it likes – providing that it has enough fuel on board. You could spend weeks in a rocket travelling at leisurely walking pace upwards, and it would, eventually, get into orbit.
If, however, you were to fire an unpowered projectile upwards – say from a cannon – then it would indeed need to be travelling at around 11 Kilometres per second to escape the Earth’s gravity. To my knowledge though, no space vehicle or astronaut has ever be launched using this method.
Dear InTents_12
You asked : “ Can you relate the analytic thinking required in focused conference sessions to the synthetic thinking required for analogies generation which calls for multi-focus domain and divergent thinking ? “
No. Not really.
Dear Uunext_404
Your question was “ Is rare duck OK to eat ? “ .
The answer is quite obviously “No”. You should never eat endangered species of any kind. Stick to chicken from your local supermarket.
Dear Underscored_55
I have absolutely no idea why “ soil in the seabed smells like sulphur “ . And I am most intrigued as to where you might have come across the idea . . . How anyone would manage to smell anything whilst on the seabed is quite beyond me.
I do concede though, that, a sensitive water-dwelling creature of some sort, say, a pacific prawn, could well find that the sea bed had an aroma with some sulphurous components. Not only are there numerous micro-organisms which extract and excrete sulphur-based compounds into the surrounding water, but SO2 itself is released in prodigious quantities by the so called ‘ Black Smokers ’ of the abysmal trenches.
Dear tintangel
I am always delighted to give advice on culinary matters, and so can answer your query “ how to prevent my lettuce from freezing in my fridge ? “ in the following way.
Do not, under any circumstances store your lettuces in your refrigerator. Although I admit to using my own trusty Frigidaire for the purpose of chilling beverages, I would never subject a fresh vegetable to such an alarming and uncomfortable experience. If at all possible, no food should be consumed in what I would term an “unhappy” state.
As you may be aware, most living creatures produce unwelcome chemical compounds when subjected to torment of any kind – and lettuces would not, of course, be an exception.
Ideally, you should always try to subject your food to the least possible
stress – and for the shortest possible time. My advice is to grow your
own, and leave them happily in the ground until the very last possible moment.
Dear zite_guyst
I am very pleased to say that I never cease to be amazed at the queries which I receive though this column. I think that they are ( in a small way admittedly ) fitting foundations for a virtual monument to the creativity and imagination of the public at large.
So it is with considerable frisson that I can reply to you that, no, I have never come across the idea of using electronic gas detectors to hunt for truffles – but it sounds like a perfectly viable ( and wonderful ) idea. I may well try it myself.
Good luck with the hunting. ( p.s. If it doesn’t work, get a dog ( or a pig ))
Dear mmm_not_a_747
I am somewhat confused. Are you searching for a TV with a built-in treadmill ? or a treadmill with a built-in TV ? If you could please enlighten me I will endeavour to point you in the right direction.
Dear fghwetmzgoyt
Yes, I am very much aware of the phrase " Not many people know that ". It is generally attributed to Sir Michael Caine, the Hollywood ( née British ) film actor. ( He actually uttered those very words in the 1983 film production of ‘ Educating Rita ’ )
I greatly admire his acting style, though I regret to say that I have never personally bumped into him. Odd perhaps, since I am led to believe that he frequents various excellent restaurants in Montreux, Switzerland, as do I.
If I may be permitted to say so though, I do recall many other filmic pronouncements which are also attributed to him, and some are, in my opinion at least, considerably more poignant :
Such as “ Detriments you call us? Detriments?! Well I want to remind you it was detriments like us that built this bloody empire! "
[ A. If you could stick to science/technology
please, thanks. Ed.]
Dear Xnon_7824
Thank you very much for forwarding my name as a possible candidate for honorary membership of the Search for Extra Terrestrial Intelligence (SETI) society of Bahrain.
Due to lack of time, I will, unfortunately, not be able to take up your kind offer. I am currently very much occupied with the related field of STI instead. ( Which, I find, takes up almost all of the time, effort and patience I can muster.)
Dear gnorminton_fletcher
You are quite correct to be concerned about the levels of toxic man-made chemicals accumulating in the livers of Polar Bears. And no, it would be very unwise to eat such an organ. But not, perhaps, for the reasons you cite.
In fact, given the choice, you should never make a habit of eating the livers of any carnivore. Apart from anything else, you will put yourself in danger of developing hypervitaminosis A. [ a condition caused by excess vitamin A ]
You may wish to consult the diary of Gerrit de Veer (1597) which, as I am sure you are aware, he wrote while he was attempting to reach Indonesia by the northern passage. He took refuge during the winter in Nova Zembla, and he and several of his men became gravely ill after eating polar-bear liver.
Dear Transfatz
I think perhaps it may be stretching a point to assume that it’s possible to classify personality-types by paying attention to the colour of people’s cars.
Although I hold some degree of credence for the Lüscher color test, I’m not entirely sure that one could apply it to car colour. Clearly, many individuals have no choice whatever in the colour of their car ( although at the luxury end of the market, where owners can pick and choose a colour at will, I concede it may be worth investigating ).
For what it’s worth, I own an orange E-Type ( 1977) and a burgundy Bentley (1936). Make of that what you will.
By the way, best of luck restoring your black Trabant.
Dear AsprattPin
Can you clarify ? When you say “Where can I obtain cheap horse remedies
?” do you mean remedies for a cheap horse ? If so, I fear it may not
be worth the expense.
Dear Green_roofer23
You asked my opinion about the validity of the so-called ‘gene patents’. Perhaps can illustrate by way of example.
Some time ago ( 1983 actually ) I performed an auto-biopsy and extracted a small sample of body cells. A laboratory in Liechtenstein extracted the DNA for me, and ‘amplified’ the sample up to a few grams. My DNA sample is now stored in a naturally refrigerated bank vault in the town of Pevek, in North Eastern Russia.
As you may be aware, ( the fact often surfaces in press reports ) we humans share approximately 50% of our genes with bananas. Therefore, I can surmise that around half my DNA is ‘in use’ within an average banana. I did not give my permission for this.
I intend to fully assert my rights on this matter, and so, by way of a test-case, I am in the process of initiating a court action against a banana plantation in Honduras. I feel confident about winning the case, since I can afford much better lawyers than they can the scientific evidence, and past patent actions, weigh heavily in my favour.
I trust that answers your question.
[ Are you really ? Ed. ]
[No. A. ]
Dear Hur4y_H3nry
Without wishing to disappoint you, the science of turbulent flows is nigh on incomprehensible – to anyone. To put it sharply into perspective, the study of complex turbulence makes the concepts behind quantum physics look like child’s play.
Don’t even think about quantum turbulence. Please.
Dear Bombeiro_ruim
As a newly formed small-scale manufacturer of organic cotton buds, you enquired where you would be able to source the correct bar-code for your prospective packaging.
By an astounding coincidence, I happen to know the bar-code for organic
cotton buds. It’s - ‘ thin one, thin one, thick one, thin one,
thick one, thick one, gap, thin one, thick one, thin one, thick one, thick
one [ that’s enough. Ed. ]
Dear TyneGoldish
No, it is most unlikely that a v1ru5 is the reason that your PC screen " keeps filling up with ‘Y’s "
Get a new keyboard.
Dear Blk_ff_nflard
You ask how effective fanning oneself with a hand ( Chinese ) fan really is
in cooling one down in hot weather.
Sadly, they aren’t [effective]. The muscular exertion involved in flapping the fan will heat one up considerably more than the evaporative effects cool one down.
In fact, if you see someone using a fan, you can immediately be sure that they cannot have a true grip on the laws of physics. Most probably, economics as well.
Economics ? I hear you ask ? The reason is that the fanning only gives one a temporary ( and false ) sense that one is being cooled. Sadly, it is symptomatically reminiscent of the ‘live now – pay later’ mindset so much in vogue nowadays.
Think : credit card - debt
Of course though, if you can convince another person to fan you . . .
Dear xexing_lo
I have absolutely no idea. As far as I am aware, there have never been any serious studies into the conjecture that dogs from different counties may have ‘accents’ in their barks.
Why don’t you start one ?
Dear Asbo_gotoff
I very much enjoyed your question about ‘leadership qualities’ - which I suspect ( hope at least ) was very much tongue in cheek.
All I would say is this. If the ‘business guru’, whose book you plainly covet, is so wonderful at doing business, why would he divulge extremely valuable ( and potentially competition-inducing ) information to a gaggle of ne’er’do’wells ?
We might remember that a former Prime Minister of the UK was, at one time, running a garden-gnome moulding firm. He is now a key member of one of the most influential business groups on the planet.
I would venture to suggest that he did not achieve his present status because of his gnome-moulding skills.
Dear MimTillinzale
Do not even think about it. That much could kill an elephant. In fact a whole family of elephants.
Dear Qintuplex_duplex
Your query, which I regurgitate verbatim , viz. “ What type of food did Beethoven eat during 1770-1827 ” was intriguing to say the least. I must tell you that I have no accurate idea, and surmise that no-one else does either.
I can, however, make a shrewd guess as to what he probably drank.
He started on milk. He then moved on to water, and perhaps some fruit juices. Later he became keen on beer. And finally ended up knocking back the schnapps.
He was, I have very little doubt, frequently ‘Brahms and Liszt’.
( Google it )
Dear vvinkuj&df%__88wcvnc_wd_ornot
Let me guess from your e-mail ‘handle’, and the subject matter of your question, that you may, perhaps, be a youngster ?
Yes, the sad fact is that many very large ocean-going ships are ‘lost’ every year in mysterious circumstances. They simply disappear from the Radar screens - and are never seen again. The explanation which you indicate though, viz. ‘they are beamed-up by aliens’ seems to me to be somewhat unlikely.
I would suggest that the phenomenon can be put down to three possible ( more Earthly ) causes :
Meteorological anomalies ( big waves )
Piracy ( big guns )
Scuttling for insurance purposes ( big money )
Dear TV_exponAnt
I have to disagree with you about the time which is ‘wasted’ whilst waiting for cumbersome .pdf files to download.
The time is not ‘wasted’ – providing that you make other good use of it. Do you suppose that your time is ‘wasted’ when using your pop-up toaster ? Or ‘wasted’ while your washing machine goes through its cycle ?
Many other mindnumbingly tedious enterprises such as standing in a Post Office queue can be put to good use. I haven’t visited a Post Office since 1973, but, when I did, I always used to conduct a survey on some subject which I thought might entertain my fellow queuers.
Such as whether [ deleted deleted deleted deleted ] should be left at large or not.
Dear Nogoboso
You e-mailed to enquire whether the microwave radiation from mobile phones could be harmful to goldfish.
I do not feel qualified to answer with 100% certitude. I would, however, suggest that it may be possible for you to conduct your own research into the matter.
Contrary to the public perception, goldfish do, in fact, have a long memory ( several months at least ) as is evidenced by the fact that they can be very reliable trained to react to a call-sign for feeding. They also have a reasonably long attention span ( significantly longer, I think you will find, than some members of our own species ).
Let’s first examine the conjecture that goldfish may be able to ‘perceive’ the microwaves.
Instead of tapping on their bowl, or whistling when it comes to feeding time – simply switch-on your mobile just before you give them their daily feed. Then, after a few weeks of training, test the conjecture by switching-on the phone and waiting to see if they become agitated and expectant ( as they do when they know a real feed is in the offing ).
Now we can move on to the more detailed examination as to whether they are harmed or not.
Firstly . . .
[ the article goes on for some 30 pages describing
possible experimental strategies. If any reader would like to see them,
please e-mail. Ed. ]
Dear Hynthiophore112_Bondstreet.
Given the ubiquity, availability, and facility of Search-Engine based queries, I normally choose to ignore questions of the ‘Why is the sky blue ?’ variety. The expression ‘Just Google It’ springs to mind.
I do try to reserve this column for more erudite matters, and confess that at first I was inclined to swiftly despatch your query to the container marked ‘Jetsam‘ ( as I have renamed my ‘Recycle–Bin’ ).
Luckily though, I realised at the last minute that your question has ( or at least could have ) many hidden layers, which, when peeled away one by one, reveal yet more, though not necessarily less important, layers within – and I am therefore willing – on this occasion – to give it the benefit of the doubt ( as they say in my favourite radio programme ! )
The answer is Allium haematochiton
Dear LinkBeta
An interesting question, and one which deserves further consideration. You asked whether there are any other types of honey, which, like the one derived from the Manuka ( a.k.a. Tea Tree ) of New Zealand, contains useful chemicals of which the bees are presumably unaware.
I think we can say that there must be. If, for instance, we were to obtain honey from bees which were in the habit of frequenting the flowers of the Willow trees of the Norfolk flatlands, we may well find that it contained traces of Aspirin.
There may well, indeed, be a huge and largely untapped market for phytochemically enhanced honeys provided, by nature, for us via the humble Apis melifera.
I will be undertaking a trip to Afghanistan shortly, and look forward to trying some honey obtained in the environs of the huge poppy plantations there.
I will report back to you ( if I remember ).
Dear Troncocell
I cannot answer your query with any degree of certitude. If I had been present at the time, I would certainly not be writing this column now. The fact is that very little is known about the effects of lightning strikes at sea and its effects upon fish.
I think we can say though that, bearing in mind the electrical power dissipated
by a fairly run’o’the mill strike ( 10,000 times that of a domestic
electrical circuit ), that any fish in the vicinity will be well and truly
stunned by the power of nature – as am I.
Dear Neumann_U_87
I was somewhat disinclined to undertake the task of explaining ‘quantum
entanglement’ to you - as you requested. As you will be aware, Einstein
struggled with the concept for several decades, famously calling it “ Spooky
Action at a Distance ” – so you can, perhaps, imagine my
reluctance.
On reflection however, I think I can put it rather simply thus :
Imagine that you are in possession of two identical clocks. You set the clocks at exactly the same moment so that they are absolutely synchronised. You then transport one of the clocks to a remote location of your choice – the other side of the universe if you so wish.
You will then note that :
By examining the information presented on your ‘local’ clock, you can instantaneously also know the exact state of the second clock – no matter how far away it is.
We can say then, that the two clocks have become ' entangled '.
The ‘information’ ( in our example 5:04 ) will have been ‘transferred’ to the second clock - without any delay whatsoever - even if your second clock is a hundred lightyears away – thus, it appears that the ‘information’ travels faster than lightspeed.
( Note : Sticklers for detail may complain that, due to relativistic effects, the second clock may ‘slow down’ if transported vast distances at very high velocities. No problem. Just offset the time on your local clock to take account of the difference. )
Wherever you are in the universe, you will always know the precise time showing on the 'entangled' other clock. ( until your batteries run out of course ! )
Hope that clears it up for you.
Dear Mooth_a_heed
You enquire whether I think there is any negative environmental impact caused by large ships flushing their ballast tanks.
To answer, I would urge you to consider the question from a semantic viewpoint. The word which is most often used to describe the practice is ‘flushing’ – not ‘emptying’ or ‘draining’.
Think of some other occasions when it would be appropriate to use the verb ‘ flush ’ - and you won’t be very far short of the mark with regard to clues as to the environmental acceptability of this all too common practice.
Dear ziglophat
No, I’m sorry to say that I cannot offer you any practical advice on the subject of ‘drawing a perfect circle’.
Many have studied the subject, and many, such as Leonardo da Vinci, wasted ( in my view at least ) a significant proportion of their time on what must – by definition - have been utterly futile attempts.
You should not, however, become despondent. You can console yourself with the fact that there is no known physical method for doing so - and there never will be. The only way to describe a perfect circle is in the non-physical realm of mathematics.
By the way, it’s also impossible to draw a straight line.
Dear Kling_2_alog
How kind of you to send me a sample of Gadolinium. ( Nice to receive a real letter as opposed to electronic-comms too ! )
How did you know I am a keen enthusiast of the Lanthanoids ?
I have filed the sample in its rightful place between Europium and Terbium.
By the way, if, by any chance, you have any Dysprosium could I obtain a small amount ? I need some to fill a gap in my collection.
[ Aaron. Please bear in mind this is a
column, not a classified ads page. Ed. ]
Dear NortonCommand
The word ‘ Glocalised ’ is a hybrid of ‘Local’ and ‘Globalised’ . It has been proposed as a description for a ( new ? ) phenomenon whereby small groups of electronically linked individuals ( say, a blog-ring ) perceive that they are part of a small local meeting group or clique – whereas they are, in fact, separated by vast geographical distances.
Personally, I prefer the use of ‘ Disparochial ’ for the same purpose.
Dear Vince_the_Mince
Your query “ How much does a cloud weigh ? ” has been covered many times by various commentators. Unfortunately, depending upon where you look, and whom you ask, you will get very different answers.
That fact, in itself, may provide a substantial clue for you – for there is no one finite answer.
Firstly, one could argue that a cloud ‘weighs’ nothing. In the same way as a balloon filled with helium ‘weighs’ nothing as it floats through the air. The ‘mass’ of a cloud though is an entirely different matter.
With just a few litres of water ( a mass of a few Kilograms ), one could of course produce a very substantially large cloud – providing that the droplets were miniscule enough.
On the other hand, a large Cumulo Nimbus with forceful high speed internal updrafts can support an enormous mass of large water droplets – running into perhaps tens of thousands of tonnes.
Without in any way wishing to be evasive, your answer is, therefore, – somewhere between next-to-nothing and a hell-of-a-lot.
Dear Kaddyhacker
You would like to know under which criteria I would recommend the use of ‘ fake grass ‘.
I wouldn’t of course.
Except perhaps as a material for making suits ( a technique pioneered by David
Byrne of Talking Heads fame.)
Dear BzinBzin_32_again
Regarding “ the medical reasons why hair starts to twist “ . . .
Can I perhaps look at this question from the other direction, and ask ‘ wouldn’t it be a miracle if a hair remained straight for any appreciable time ? ‘
I would urge you to always bear in mind the Second Law of Thermodynamics, which implies – amongst other things – that if the possibility for something to 'go wrong' exists – it will.
Dear 88_affetos
You enquire as to the ‘ equipment needed to raise minnows ’.
I am delighted to inform you that investment in the the equipment is rather minimal – bordering on non-existent. All you need to raise minnows is a loaf of bread, which you can scatter in small pieces on the surface of an unpolluted small pond, river or stream. The minnow family ( which, as you will be aware, include Chubb, Dace, Carp, Goldfish and the Comely Shiner ) will be delighted with your assistance.
If your question, however, concerns raising them in captivity, then of course you will appreciate that a keen ichthyophile such as myself will refrain from offering any encouragement in the matter.
Dear Twinpicks
Yes, of course Botox™ can be used to stop twitching. You should consider things very carefully though, and never underestimate its extreme capacity for blocking motor/muscle neural pathways.
I self-administered some recently and regretted doing so almost immediately. Luckily, the effects are not usually permanent, and my physician informs me that I should be able to ride my bicycle again within six months at the very maximum.
Dear Plige_o’mara.
I will admit that I was on the verge of routinely dismissing your question as jejune, bodering on the otiose, until I realised that you may be intending to augment the general reader’s appreciation of metallurgy.
There are several metallic alloys available ( based on the somewhat unpleasant
element bismuth ) which soften and melt at surprisingly low temperatures.
For example, ‘ Lens Alloy 117 ’ melts at only 47C, and
so would be ideal for the spoonbending activities about which you enquire.
Dear Myst_22_underscore
How curious that you should mention the subject of sunsets just as I was thinking of acquiring my next Turner !
The reason that you can never capture the true majesty of a magnificent sunset by the use of your 12MB digital camera is simply explained thus : Which do you prefer – a rose – or a photograph of a rose ?
No matter how sophisticated your gadgetry becomes, the answer will always be the same. Trying to apprehend the magic of nature in a little silver box is like attempting to distil sunlight and keep it in a bottle. ( Mind you, a chilled carafe of Labrusca ‘73 comes close in my opinion )
Dear Gold_Thrown
No, [ name of medicinal compound deleted ] is meant exclusively for horses, and should never be used by humans. I did experiment with it at one stage – purely from a scientific standpoint of course – and I can assure you that all it will do is provide an entirely alarming experience for you and your partner. Do not ‘go there’ under any circumstances.
Dear Deep_C_Smoker
Asks whether it is better to buy one of the new ‘Hybrid’ cars as opposed to the more conventional internal combustion engine (IC) variety.
My answer, of course, is that it is far preferable to buy no car at all. They are polluting, dangerous, noisy, and they are plainly responsible for the piecemeal ( but wholesale ) destruction of our pleasant environment.
I would suggest, therefore, that, if at all possible, you should as I do,
and never travel anywhere to which you cannot comfortably walk, cycle, rollerskate,
paraglide or swim.
Dear Token_ring_77
Token_ring_77 writes to enquire whether or not his/her GMO idea is feasible or not. The idea certainly is feasible – though I hesitate to say that it’s a good one.
Token_ring_77 points out that fishermen often use small lights to attract fish towards the line-bait. ( readers will of course be familiar with the sardine fishermen of Santorini, who are famous in this respect ) . Token_ring_77 goes on to point out that maggots ( larvae of the blowfly ) are commonly used as bait. Token_ring_77 therefore suggest that the two ideas may be combined – thereby maximising the chances of a catch. Token_ring_77’s idea is to genetically modify the maggots to glow in the dark.
Could I point out that if the maggots were allowed to hatch, then the resulting bluebottles would presumably also glow. Thereby providing entertaining ‘fire-fly’ displays around garbage containers at night-time. Even so, I am reluctant to endorse the idea – simply because it may encourage researchers to add luminescent genes to yet more animals. Where will it all end ? With us I suppose ?
[ That may cut down night-time pedestrian accidents
considerably. Ed. ]
Dear pl4sterd
I am grateful for your question which brings to the forefront a very enlightening and enigmatic philosophical bifurcation. “I am beginning to worry that perhaps all technology might be intrinsically harmful ?” you posited. . .
In order to respond, I would ask you to consider the humble ‘party balloon’. A beautiful, diverting, uplifting ( Ha !), natural product ( rubber ), filled with a naturally occurring atmospheric gas ( helium ). How could such a thing cause harm to anyone ?
But, whether released intentionally or not, these seemingly innocuous baubles can stay aloft for days, and often venture over seas and oceans many miles from the point at which they were released. When they finally descend, they float on or near the surface and are frequently eaten by turtles – which erroneously surmise that the balloons are somewhat gaily coloured jellyfish.
It is estimated that many thousands of marine turtles perish every year from this man-made peril.
That is my answer.
[ Are you positive about that ? Ed. ]
Dear Cruisesheep.
Would like to know if I think that Windows XP™ or MacOSX™ is better. The answer is no. I do not think - about it - at all.
I would rather spend my days examining the heads of pins, or listening to paint dry, or counting the spots on bananas than consider such a subject for one moment.
See if you can find an old BBC Micro™ at a thrift shop. You may not be able to watch full-colour MPEG4’s at 29.97 fps – but you will be a much happier person in the long run. And I can guarantee that you will save time – or rather avoid wasting time – by the bucketload. Trust me.
Dear Grindwald23_terix
At last ! I was beginning to despair somewhat ! Your query re-kindled a tiny glimmer of . . . well, I think you know what I mean. You questioned whether ‘organic’ fruits and vegetables really are preferable to ‘conventionally grown’ or ‘genetically modified’ products.
Think of it this way. Every single one of your ancestors ( except perhaps the last two or three ) – going back through evolutionary time until the very first spark of life first somehow ignited on this planet – was born and raised on a diet of organic food.
Bearing in mind that every animal, plant, worm, fish, mollusc and thing that creepeth was until just recently an exclusively organic diner ( or dinner ) – and that they must have fared consistently well on it or we wouldn’t be here – I think we can perhaps jump to the conclusion that it’s OK – can’t we ?
By the way, your assertion that “ organic farming just means spraying at night ” is highly mischievous to say the least.
Dear Felt_lynx_Xtractor
You asked whether gluing a layer of aluminium foil over all the windows in your flat will help to protect you in the case of a nuclear attack.
Sadly no. In fact, aluminium is a fairly poor absorber when it comes to the kinds of radiation which you probably have in mind. Odd as it may seem, polythene is much superior – and has the added advantage of being semi-transparent to visible light – which can be a distinct advantage when used as an extra layer for windows.
I might point out, however, that you would need a layer several meters thick in order to make any significant difference to your level of protection.
Your best strategy may be to try and purchase one of the now defunct civil defence underground bunkers which come on the market from time to time. Before you part with your hard-earned cash though, you should perhaps ask yourself why the government has seen fit to sell them off ? . . . In other words, bearing in mind the not inconsiderable tax-burden which was secretly levied on the public in order to finance their construction, why would the authorities now be keen on disposing of such useful assets ?
I submit that the answer to that question lies in the word ‘useful’. We might surmise, perhaps, that they are not.
Dear Cinquemanos
Why in the name of [ deleted deleted deleted ] do you suppose that I might know why " your registry is corrupted " ? Let me take you through a few logical steps in order to explain myself . . .
Do I know what your ‘registry’ is ? - Sadly, yes, I believe so.
Have I seen, or had personal experience of, your ‘registry’ ? - No.
Can I diagnose the problem in the total absence of any relevant information ? - No.
Do I give a [ deleted deleted ] ? - No.
My advice to you is to purge yourself ( and your computer ) once and for all of this wretched self-infliction by whatever means necessary.
Dear Thrunip
You enquire : “ Do dogs attract lightning ? ” .
Yes, of course they do – but no more or less than any other animal – such as yourself.
Dear aNg_42_bisc
I must say it was a Revelation ( hah ! ) to me to discover that some people have already embedded Radio Frequency Identification Devices ( RFID tags ) under their skin to gain entrance to various hi-tech club venues.
Your question though, was whether or not such a practice has any health risks. The short answer is yes - a small risk ( ‘ not much larger than a grain of rice ‘ in fact ). There is always the possibility of infection, clotting, or bruising whenever anything is injected subcutaneously.
But you should not concern yourself with the fact that the devices emit electromagnetic radiation. They are essentially passive devices - in a sense, they simply reflect the radiation which is sent to them when you pass nearby an RFID reader. And you will, of course, be subjected to the reader’s radio waves whether or not you have a tag implanted.
So, to recap, the only foreseeable risk comes from problems associated with injecting the device. If you would like to continue enjoying the frisson associated with gaining access to your exclusive club without having to show membership, I suggest the following simple solution.
Instead of injecting the tag, just swallow one every couple of days. Not necessarily the same one – you could have a stock with the same codes - it’s up to you of course.
Dear Quillflipper
You ask my opinion about official ‘snooping’ and your computer system. Specifically, you would like to know whether ‘ The Authorities ’ are able to collect data about your online activities and your computer files. The answer, of course, is absolutely, yes. There are a myriad of ways in which this could be done. For instance by accessing ‘server logs’ stored at the company which you use for your www access.
Your question though, was whether they ‘are able’ rather than whether they actually do. I am sure that you must be aware that they are able’ to arrest you at any time just for wearing a T-shirt with the ‘ wrong ’ slogan written on it. [ Astonishingly, such cases have recently occurred both in the US and the UK. Ed.]
Unless you are involved in some serious skulduggery, the chances of any surreptitious data-collection causing you noticeable adverse effects, however, must be significantly less than being struck by lightning whilst playing croquet.
If, for some reason, you have a requirement to send and receive data anonymously and securely, I would suggest carrier pigeons are by far the best option at present.
Even they are not infallible though. I utilise the services of Paloma-Poste S.A. , and one of their avian couriers, known as ‘ Bobby ’, recently managed to ‘lose’ one of my tobacco futures stock option certificates ! ( As luck would have it, the market dipped and I made more on the insurance than I would have on the bonds ! Thank you ‘Bobby’ )
Dear Volt240
- would like to know if it’s possible to ‘ create a silent ringtone ’ for
his/her mobile. Yes, of course it is. In fact this magazine has already covered
the subject in some depth ( do a search ). I feel, however, that I may be shed
some more light on the subject by looking at it from another perspective. I
might point out, therefore, that downloading a silent ringtone will A) cost
you money, and B) cause all sorts of administrative headaches for
the music royalty collection agencies.
So why not neatly sidestep around the problem instead of running at it headlong ? Simply locate the speaker in your mobile ( it’s usually behind a small grille – or sometimes just a tiny hole ) and, utilising a sharp, strong, pointed object of some sort, smartly jab it into the offending device. Do not be timid, imagine you are disabling a fearsome and dangerous insect.
If you are fortunate ( and I must emphasise there is an element of risk in the procedure ) then you may never have to worry about ringtones again. Furthermore, you will be performing an act, a small one admittedly, which will benefit mankind as a whole.
( I have heard that a drop of cyanoacrylate adhesive will achieve much the same result, but have never tried it. )
[ Note for our younger readers, ask your parent
or guardian's permission first Ed.]
Dear Nifter_55_backslash
I would think that it’s very unlikely.
I am aware, as you point out, that there are several manufacturers currently producing ’water resistant’ mobile phones. They are aimed – or so I believe – at the ‘outdoor’ market. In other words, campers / canoeists / or even, perhaps, surfers.
But you should note that they are classified as ‘water resistant’ rather than ‘waterproof’. So I very much doubt that they could function in even the most shallow of waters. Furthermore, even if the electronics were sufficiently sealed as to be proof against water to a reasonable depth - as are many watches ( my Kallista is safe to 100Mtrs ), then the mobile would still not function when submerged.
The microwave electromagnetic spectrum which has been chosen for mobiles is far too high a frequency to propagate any substantial distance underwater. To do so it would have to operate at a vastly lower frequency – which of course means a vastly larger antenna. When I say large – I am thinking in terms of kilometres long. Not terribly practical I think you will agree.
I haven’t asked the obvious question though. ‘Why would you want such a thing ?’ What are you hoping to do ? Txt dolphins or whales ? If so, I regret that I cannot give you the advice you require – as I have no qualifications in psychiatry.
Dear effset932_w
You enquire ‘whether lightbulb filaments are toxic’ ?
Perhaps I can illuminate you ( Hah ! )
It all depends upon how one measures toxicity. Toxic in what quantity ? Perhaps we can just say then, that as far as is known, tungsten appears to be relatively non-toxic in comparison with most other metals.
I would strongly urge you, however, not to make a habit of ingesting lightbulb filaments – or any other part of a lightbulb. I am aware, of course, that lightbulb-eating was once very fashionable amongst circus and vaudeville entertainers etc etc. But they are seasoned experts who carefully weigh-up the benefits of eating potentially harmful items as against the remuneration which they receive for doing so. ( as you may be aware, I also write restaurant reviews )
Your e-mail didn’t mention whether you are such a performer - in case you are a professional, then I can direct you to this website for exact information.
Otherwise – I urge that you dismiss the subject from your mind completely.
It’s very unlikely to happen by accident.
Dear blast0way
I have now fully recovered, and will endeavour to give you my full attention. Yes, I have heard about the imaginative plans to link personal pensions to the stock market. I am going to take a wild guess and assume that you might not be a stockbroker, or market analyst yourself ?
If I am correct, I can advise you of research which has demonstrated, many times, that the market fluctuations are random in nature ( over a reasonably lengthy period ). By definition, it is not possible to apply any predictive assertions to a random dataset.
It is feasible, however, to engage in what I believe is termed ‘social engineering’. In other words, if one were in a position to obtain pertinent information from, say, directors of a blue-chip multinational just before a planned takeover – or the recall of a defective drug – or notice of a civil courtcase – one could make a small fortune with minimal effort.
It would, however be considered illegal in some parts of the world, so I would definitely not recommend such a course of action. [ ? Ed. ]
Good luck with your pension. By the way, I may be able to get you membership at my club – but you’ll need two referees. As I sympathise greatly with your predicament, I shall be happy to personally vouch for you. But you will need one more . Do you know Baron Lipzvitch ?
Dear Vuwww_replica
I do aplogose in advance for theis post. I heve yesterda beenexperimenting with a neurol0gical chenical whci I have bee extreracting fro m the swimm bladders of the pufferifsh. I hve nto yet fully recobvered as you may be ab;le to detmine from the unususa nay=ture of this entry.
In anmwser to your quseion, I should not worry yourself unduly aout the efects of solar radiation in temperate lattitudes. But if you are ever outdoors at nightime, in say, Cuba, and see a spectacular display of the Aruora Borealis, head insied immediately. It will be a sign tha the Earths electromagnetic poles have collapsed. ( It is certain to happen at some time during te next 1000 years. )
A;lternative;y, you could wrap yourself in aluminu cooking foil at all times
whilst outside the house – this will give a leasst some measure of
protection frm mild solar storms.
[A. The quality of the column suffers with posts like this. Aren’t you getting a bit old for that kind of thing ? Ed. ]
The personal opinions of individual columnists do not necessarily reflect the views of Really Magazine Magazine.
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