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UNDERSCORING EMERGENT INTELLECTUAL DEVELOPMENTS

EIRON's ARCHIVES03

Our restaurant and theatre pundit Eiron Foyer responds to your technical and scientific queries :

Eiron is paid. . . . . [ remember ? Ed. ] to answer a selection of your queries on a regular [ remember ? Ed. ] basis.

You can send a question via our contact form.

Dear M0tiv8ta

Sadly, a stiff gin and tonic will typically only contain around 6Mg of quinine – so you would have to drink a very great deal indeed to gain any protection against malaria. I cannot therefore recommend it as a treatment – though I would very much like to be able to do so.

Dear HighLoifinIL

I would need a little more information on the quantities involved before I can answer your query regarding possible hazards of ‘paper-eating’.

It is certainly not something to be encouraged – bearing in mind the chemicals used in the production of ordinary paper and inks. If you insist on carrying on the practice, may I suggest that you invite your correspondent to write his/her letters on Chinese rice-paper, and write using a specially produced non-toxic food colouring ?

I must say that I confess to some degree puzzlement as to why you are eating the letters in the first place – is it to conceal their content ? If so, why not try some other - non-physical - means of communication instead ? If you were to utilise, for example, encrypted e-mails, then you would no need to eat the ‘evidence’. ( If, however, you are eating them for pleasure rather than for purposes of concealment, I would strongly suggest switching to the Chinese method outlined above. )

Dear JoBlokintehwold

Yes, I believe that since this is the first time that you have undertaken to participate in a long distance cycle ride, it may well be wise to take some preparatory measures.

I confess that I do not have the requisite experience to advise on the specifics of bicycle-ride training regimes, but perhaps we could extrapolate from another field ?

A long time acquaintance of mine is a concert hall violinist, and advises me that in preparation for a imminently demanding appearance, he is in the habit of soaking his fingertips in a bowl of vinegar for ten minutes or so prior to his performance. This, he assures me, substantially toughens up the skin of his fingertips.

So, perhaps you could apply the same technique to any parts which you feel may come in for undue punishment during your bicycling marathon ?

Update : Another colleague, a physician, assures me that this may not be an entirely sagacious suggestion. Upon reflection then, please ignore my advice.

Dear hugh_lanford_fernelyshaw

No, you should not be concerned or worried about the growing number of medical practitioners listed in your personal address book. It is perfectly normal for the list to increase year by year – a phenomenon which is firmly correlated with your age.

By coincidence, a friend and colleague Authur D, recently mentioned the exact same phenomena to me. His take on a ‘normal’ address-book medical entries would be roughly as follows :

• year 0>18 [no entries]
• year 18>25 [Dentist ]
• year 25>45 [Dentist, Cardiologist ]
• year 45>65 [Dentist, Cardiologist, Ophthalmologist, Proctologist ]
• year 65>85 [Dentist, Cardiologist, Ophthalmologist, Proctologist, Dermatologist, Rheumatologist ]

My supplemental advice though would be to pay close attention if Geriatrician appears in the list. [ or, even worse, Mortician ].

Dear InTeRgAlAcToR

I recently came across a very good solution to the ‘problem’ about which you enquired. I readily confess that it is not my own idea – I saw it published in my favourite magazine ( which incidentally, for reasons which I fail to comprehend, to this day flatly refuses to give me copyspace ).

Notwithstanding ; the answer to the question “ How do I know if the light goes out when I close the frieezer door “ is as follows. Set your mobile telephone ( or digital camera ) into ’movie’ mode, press record, and place it inside your refrigerator. Then close the door ( of the refrigerator ). After a few seconds, remove the recording device, and check the replay to see whether the light was extinguished as the door closed. Repeat the procedure as often as you feel necessary.

Dear Voxinaclam_shell

I would never dream of revealing such details to you - or anyone else for that matter. Especially not here. I did have a look a your website though, and I have to say, found it quite educational. I really had no idea that there were so many uses for [deleted].

Dear gleeful_lee3

Yes and no. Mainly no.

Dear qwizik_14

You asked “ Is it safe to eat burnt toast ? ”

Before anyone dismisses this as a ‘silly question’, I would like to remind readers that almost all burnt organic matter – and that would include toast – will inevitably contain small quantities of chemicals called dioxins. Which are widely regarded as carcinogenic.

I would say then, that there is a very small - but nonetheless finite - risk associated with the eating of burnt toast. My advice would therefore be to avoid it if possible, but I should stress that, if you have already eaten some, small quantities will be very unlikely to have caused you any permanent damage.

In fact, I would surmise ( though I don’t have the ministry figures to hand ) that toast could well be considered to be more dangerous in other ways. Being (by definition) dry and somewhat hard, it could, for instance, conceivably cause choking to a person who was not concentrating 100% on their eating techniques. Perhaps then it would be safest to consume it in conjunction with some other food which has a moderate-to-high liquid content.

My final summation would therefore be : toast lightly : dunk often.

Dear Klippa51

I have mentioned before in this column that I will not, repeat not , be offering any further advice of any kind on the question of ' how to raise minnows '. I would really very much appreciate if you would desist from contacting me on the subject. Really.

Dear NonSteek

Believe me, I would be the last person to say categorically that ‘time-travel’ is impossible. We can though, I think, be reasonably sure that a viable method has not yet been invented. If it has been, then its inventors are keeping remarkably schtum about it don’t you think ?

But the laws of physics, as we currently understand them, certainly do not preclude its invention at some time in the future. Thus we must ask, as indeed many have, why those future inventors have not made use of their invention to come back to ‘now’ for a visit.

More intriguing still, if such an invention was ( if that’s the right grammatical tense ! ) possible, then its inventors could travel back to an earlier time and inform ‘earlier’ physicists how to viably achieve it . . .

In this way, the invention of such a machine would inevitably ‘feed backwards’ in time – so we shall, perhaps, get to know how to do it considerably earlier than is likely – or even possible.

Excuse me, there’s someone at the door . . . .

Dear grringtonz

I would define scientific research as the ongoing quest to be ‘less wrong’ about the nature of things than previous scientists were.

Dear 2twofour6

I am sorry to hear about your toothache. Your question raised some highly intriguing philosophical points. If I could share them with our readers, you enquired thus : “ When I go to sleep at night, does my tooth still continue to ache - even while I’m asleep and unaware of it ? “

Firstly, I think we must ask ourselves, where, exactly, the ‘ consciousness ‘ of the toothache lies. Is it in your brain and nervous system or, is it within the tooth ? In fact, we should investigate whether the tooth could itself possibly be a ‘conscious’ entity. We most certainly know that it is ‘alive’ – although if we were to ‘tick the boxes’ against a list of criteria by which most people define a living thing, then we should come up against some severe anomalies ! ( which I will cover later ).

I believe though, that given your very evident awareness of it, you would probably agree that your tooth is much alive. So, as I have intimated, the next step is to try to postulate a construct which might explain where – if anywhere – the ‘consciousness’ resides.

Before we can do this, however, we need to ascertain whether the tooth could in any way be considered ‘an entity’ in its own right – in other words as distinct from ‘you’ - that is to say your corporal ( rather than an embodiment of your own ‘awareness’ ) self.

It is, it goes without saying, a ‘part’ of your body – and could not exist in a ‘live’ state outside of you. And yet it is very obviously distinct from other body parts ( apart from your other teeth of course ! )

And so, our primary task will, and I hope you are with me on this, be to understand where the conceptual divisions – of entities – that is between your ‘self’ and the tooth – if there are any – may reside.

Let us first examine then ‘what it means to be an entity’ . I would like to postulate the [ that’s enough thanks. Ed. ]

Dear SapcebAH

I confess that when I first saw your question in my in-box I nearly dismissed it as lacklustre flotsam. Luckily though, it remained reverberating in my brainbox until I realised that it is, in fact, a most interesting conjecture.

You asked " How much does a bolt of lightning weigh ? "

And yes, of course, electrons do have a finite mass. 9.109 x 10 – 31 Kg. in fact. And I think we can safely assume that an average lightning bolt would encompass a very great number of them indeed.

Alas, I regret that my resources don’t permit me to do the requisite mathematics, but the more I think about it, the more I am convinced that a bolt could well ‘weigh’ several grammes.

I have little doubt this ‘weight’ would help to pull down the bolt to towards the Earth’s surface. And I would like to point out too, that the scientific theory behind the initiation and passage of lightning bolts is embarrassingly frail – and your very valid point may well need to be built into future calculations.

Dear PlanSifter

The short answer is yes. But please promise me that you will never try it. Do as I do, and stick to a nice bottle of Chateau La Mondotte Saint-Emilion ( I recommend the 1996 if you can find it )

Dear Pan0plexativ

You asked – and I reprint this verbatim - “ Does sugar ruin a motorcycle ? “

Well, Pan0plexativ, that would depend what you had in mind to do with the sugar. Were you thinking of sprinkling sugar over it ? If so, I would recommend waiting until the engine is sufficiently cooled-down, or you will certainly end up with certain components of the engine in a very sticky and unsightly mess. Which parts ? Well, Pan0plexativ , the word ‘crankcase’ springs to mind.

Dear bbseeplaydoh4

I confess that it had never occurred to me, but, yes, on reflection, I do think that there should be studies into the effects of third-hand tobacco smoke. After all, if you breathe-in secondhand smoke ( which we now know to be highly damaging ) then we can safely assume that some of it will be breathed out when you exhale. A third party ( if you will forgive my literalism ) may well breathe-in this residue and could unwittingly be jeopardising their health.

On the other hand, where would this line of enquiry ultimately lead ? Worthy though it may be, I fear that the entire scientific resources of the planet could eventually be sucked into this open-ended fractal of ever diminishing risk analysis.

Dear Tregulik

You enquired “ What is the cubic feet volume Salisbury Cathedral ? “

Sir, firstly I would urge you to use the metric system if possible and try to think in litres rather than cubic feet. However -

if you multiply Winchester Cathedral by Westminster Abbey and divide the result by Windsor Castle I reckon that you won’t be farther than two orders of magnitude out.

Dear Yz_15_ee_sUhbe

Normally I would steer well clear of such questions as “ Where can I get plans for home-made weapons on the internet ? I will, however, make an exception your case – since I do, in a sense, sympathise with your ‘cause’ – for yes, I agree with you, [deleted] are [deleted].

This may be what you’re looking for.

Dear Banleft12

Thank you for sending me the details of your antigravity device. Unfortunately, I cannot say with any certainty whether it would be technically feasible or not.
And I am not at all sure that I concur with your statement that “ There’s too much gravity around ” . . . Maybe we could agree though that there does seem to be unduly large amounts of it concentrated at certain locations. Perhaps you should concentrate your efforts instead on designing a device which could spread it out more democratically ?

Dear glyph0dear

Your question was “ Why do cats purr ? “

My answer is “ I don’t know ”

I would like to add though, that neither does anyone else. I really don’t lose any sleep over the matter. I like to run the engine of my Bentley for an hour or two, then I curl up on the bonnet (hood) and I’m away for hours.

Dear kipkziet7117

Well, it’s fairly self evident that you are heating it far too strongly ! You shouldn’t let it get above 145C or it will denature. You will end up with a substance that is only useful for garden fertiliser. Though I’m sure that your geraniums will be very happy indeed for several hours . . .

Dear snow22therockies

No, there is no difference whatever between aluminium and aluminum, ( other than the ‘i’) so you can fully relax in your cooking foil purchasing expeditions.

Dear motor [deleted]

I won’t comment on your e-mail handle other than to enquire whether you are from Idaho or not. In reply to your question though - regarding spectral invariants of the b-calculus and generalized APS boundary problems of Dirac operators.

Have you tried defining an auxiliary b-smoothing operator acting on scalar functions on the half-line ? I would recommend also that you consider using one-dimensional Dirichlet and Neumann Laplacians.

Or, you could go the bar and sublimely forget about it. As I did.

Dear hugufffncrust

I am not at all certain that I agree with your conjecture that it is more probable to be severely injured (or worse) by a piece of falling fruit than from the effects of too much [ deleted ].

It is undeniable though that falling fruits ( especially coconuts) can be extremely dangerous, and I can tell you that I have personally had a very close shave indeed with a plummeting jackfruit whilst I was conducting an experiment in New Guinea.

You may not be aware that a jackfruit ( delicious though they are ) can easily weigh 15Kg, and they often grow at a height of 10mtrs or so. Speaking as someone whose skull was attinged in a thoroughly uncompromising way by one of these monstrous falling seedpods, I can assure you, therefore, that it is far from an amusing matter.

I take your point about risk analysis though.

Dear U2veghappywithrocket

Yes, you are perfectly correct when you correlate temperature with electronic system noise.

And I was most impressed to see the photo of the CD rack which you have constructed inside your refrigerator, but it will not, I fear, achieve your objectives.

Needless to say I am fully aware of the lengths that some ‘audiophiles’ ( a.k.a. [ deleted ] ) will go to enhance their ‘ listening experience ‘, but I feel that a little more objective focussing on the laws of physics rather than the laws of [ deleted ] will probably, in the long run, be rather more productive.

And no, I do not wish to purchase any of your ‘oxygen-free speaker cable’. I am extremely happy with my Gründig radiogram thank you.

( though it does have a defective EM84 ‘magic-eye’ , do you know where I might find a replacement ? )

Dear 9peffid9_23

Your ‘idea’ is only marginally more grotesque than your web-handle.

It must be disposed of in the proper manner according to current cosmetic industry / medical Hazmat regulations - and in any case would be far too viscous for Diesel-powered vehicles.

That said, as a general rule, I would not normally wish to discourage any attempts towards recycling and waste usage, and I agree that, given the current outlook, it is unlikely that there will be a shortage in the foreseeable future ( especially in [deleted] ).

Dear trnsamilletum

You enquired as to the exact chances that a (suitable) coin, dropped from a height of one metre onto a hard surface, would land on its edge, and remain balanced thus.

I can inform you that there is indeed a finite chance that this will occur. Indeed, given sufficient trials, it must occur. In fact I have personally witnessed just such an event more than once.

As to the exact probability - I cannot say within any accuracy. Luckily though, my ignorance in this area has not, so far at least, proved much of a hindrance to my survival in the real world.

I do hope that the same will apply to you.

Dear wastwater_on_tees

You asked whether imbibing large amounts of red wine can postpone the onset of ageing.

That would, of course, depend on the quantity.

If you were to drink enough in one ‘session’ so to speak, then you could most certainly postpone the onset – rather permanently.

I would not condone or recommend such an action however, and would instead urge you to moderate your vitiphilism to sensibly reasonable levels – say [ deleted ] bottles a day ?

Will it postpone the onset of old age ? Alas, probably not, though it will, in my humble opinion at least, make the journey to that unwelcome destination considerably more (qu)affable.

98235_2345Ls98ThX

wonders whether ‘life on Earth’ had its beginning as one unique event, or perhaps spontaneously occurred at several points during the history of the planet.

It may surprise you to learn that was I not around six billion years ago to witness the event(s) in question – and so cannot give a truly definitive answer.

What I can say though, is that if it did evolve more than once, then it was a remarkable coincidence that it was based on carbon and DNA each time.

We should also bear in mind that it may be a very myopic and parochial assumption that life evolved on Earth at all ! It may well have developed elsewhere and simply ‘arrived’ here – in which case of course it may well have arrived several times. In fact, it could still be arriving now.

When personkind has the chance to examine in detail the contents of all those cosmic hoover-bags ( a.k.a. comets ) I feel fairly confident we shall find many of them to be teeming with life-forms – though perhaps not quite at the same level of development as, say, a slime-mould or a first division football player.

Dear minifeild_23slashsemicolon

Fascinating ! I had absolutely no idea that robots were being developed to pick mushrooms ! I never cease to be astonished by the technical ingenuity and persistence of our species !

Oddly though, at this stage, I cannot quite fathom why a mushroom-picking-robot would be a necessary addition to the world which we inhabit.

After all, we can get [ deleted ] to pick them for next to nothing anyway. ( Oh dear, I do hope you’re not [ deleted ] yourself, wouldn’t wish to offend )

Dear loofahloofar

I can think of several reasons which may explain why you have recently ‘ been finding it increasingly hard to distinguish between the red and green lights of traffic signals. ‘

Possibility one: If I understand you correctly, your concern is that you may be developing colour a form of colour blindness – and I am pleased to tell you that this is extremely unlikely, for, as far as I am aware, the chances of a sudden onset of this condition is vanishingly small.

Possibility two: Your car windscreen needs cleaning.

Dear CardRefused

No, you shouldn’t be in the least worried about the current lack of sunspot activity. I can confidently predict that they will return, in abundance, soon. ( where soon = a few months )

Even if they did not ( which they will ) then I could surmise that Life On Earth would continue much as normal anyway – including yours.

Dear nbvxnjhgfd

Ha ! what nonsense ! what piffle ! what balderdash ! what utter tripe ! fiddle-faddle, guff, and twaddle, Do you really think that I could oneday be replaced by an Artificial Intelligence (AI) chatbot ?

Oh Really ?

I do respect your right to your point of view of course - and, as a gesture of goodwill, I have despatched for your attention a copy of my recent book, Auto-taxidermy for beginners.

Dear Palistrin0flat

For your information, the case was brought against me by a disgruntled competitor. From the very start, there never was a shred of evidence to support his utterly flimsy and irrelevant notions.

In any event, I one.

[ what case ? Ed. ]

Dear lK5nTgq33

Yes, you are quite correct. There a countless millions of neutrinos ( source unknown ) passing though every cubic centimetre of your body – 24 hours a day.

It is extremely unlikely however, that any of them will ‘interact’ in any way with your good self. Thusly, I can reassure you that there is very little cause for concern.

If one were to make an impact on any of the atoms in your body however, you should bear in mind that because of their extremely high energy ( source unknown ) they would be capable of serious atomic and nucleic disruption ( on a very localised scale ).

Were this astonishingly unlikely scenario to take place, you could well lose an atom.

Dear blooTuuub

Yes, I did hear the news that dozens of new species have recently been discovered in New Guinea.

Whilst I am most gratified that some new species have now been logged by personkind, I should point out the following :

If you were to swat a mosquito*, and had sufficient time, enthusiasm, and equipment to analyse the contents of the resulting goo – you would find within it dozens – hundreds – or even thousands of bacteria and viruses as yet unclassified by the scientific community.

If you wish to, you could carefully describe the novel creatures which you discover - and possibly even have them named after you.

*Note. If you can’t find a mosquito, any other type of fly will suffice.

Dear La_cluster

You certainly have a point when you ask ( the rhetorical ? ) question “ What happens when homeopathic pharmacists wash out their flasks ? “

As I’m sure you are aware, the process of preparing homeopathic medicines encompasses a counter-intuitive methodology which involves progressively diluting the compound in question – at each dilution ’ the preparation becomes more potent ’ . . .

So, ( I am fairly certain that ) if the homeopathic philosophy is a solid one, then washing out the flasks in which the remedy has been prepared will be a highly problematic – if not downright hazardous undertaking. Heaven only knows what degree of ‘potency’ the preparations will reach during the process.

I confess I can see no solution to the dilemma which you have uncorked.

Dear Clingkr_billt

You enquired why it seems to be so much easier to heat things up than to cool them down.

The answer is by no means as simple as would first appear. It has nothing to do with the mechanics and relative efficiencies of refrigerators and cookers. Instead, the answer lies in the abstractions of entropy and the second law of thermodynamics.

The principle reason is the same one which dictates that it is far easier to stir a portion of milk into a cup of tea than it is to stir it back out again.

Dear Jaspa_44

Yes, what you have read is correct. It is a commonplace occurrence for top of your head to have a very large electrical potential difference with respect to your feet. Many tens of thousands of volts in fact – often ( erroneously in my view ) referred to as ‘static’ electricity.

There, is however, nothing whatever ‘special’ about static electricity. It is 100% identical to any other form of electrical current – in other words, it relies on the presence ( or not ) of large numbers of free electrons.

Should you be concerned ?

No.

But, if your worries persist, I could suggest that you run a thin electrical cable from the top of you head and attach it firmly to one ( or both ) of your feet. This will go a long way towards equalising the voltage differences.

Dear lang_378hown

You are rightly concerned with global energy use when you enquire whether it is better “ to take the elevator to the tenth floor of your apartment block, or walk up the stairs “.

The answer is by no means as clearcut as one would prefer.

You must ask yourself how much energy you would ‘burn’ , in terms of calories, in your ( surely exhausting ) foot-powered ascent. Since I do not know your weight, I cannot calculate the result with any accuracy, but I should point out that you will most certainly need a lot of energy to lift your weight up ten floors.

You must take into account how this energy ( in the form of food ) is provided for you. In a typical scenario, it has to be grown, fertilised, irrigated, tended, harvested, transported to a distribution centre, then a supermarket, and finally to your apartment. All of this is highly energy-intensive.

I hope you will not mind me tactfully pointing out that, at the same time, your self-assisted scaling will certainly induce a certain amount of (ahem!) sweating. You will need to replace this water at some stage. The water which you drink in your apartment will, in all probability, have been pumped for tens – maybe hundreds – of Kilometres, and then up ten floors. A significant amount of electric power is required for this purpose.

I would suggest then, that, counter-intuitive as it seems, you may well be using-up less global resources if you take the elevator. Even better if you share the elevator with others ! Might I suggest that you wait on the ground floor, and ask all the people who come into the building to which floor they are travelling. If you can persuade them to wait with you, then, when you have built up enough ‘passengers’ you can all take the elevator to the tenth floor together, and thus help towards 'saving the planet'.

( p.s. be careful not to exceed the elevator's carrying capacity )

Dear CooC_2_inthebag

You enquired “ Why is it that when I look into a mirror, the ‘person’ in the mirror has left-and-right reversed ; but not up-and-down “

I am very fond of this question, which crops up from time to time in my intray.

I like to answer by alluding to further confusion.

If you lay down horizontally and then look into your mirror, you will see that ‘left-right’ are still reversed, and that up-down ( which has now changed its plane of reference to what was ‘left-right’ ) is still unchanged.

This suggest to me that either mirrors are highly intelligent and can change their modus-operandii according to the viewer’s orientation – or, it’s a psychological problem rather than one for the physicists.

Dear CollarAspenRado

Actually, there are quite a number of ‘edible reptiles’.

Think Alligator, Rattlesnake, Turtle etc etc. It is also very common to find numerous small (dried) lizards for sale in Chinese food markets.

I strongly suspect that many others are edible too – but I heartily recommend that you do not experiment – especially if you happen to live in Komodo.

Dear sgfsaig_the_bell

Thank you for brightening up my afternoon. I had quite forgotten that there were so many [ deleted ] about – until your query appeared in my virtual in-tray.

I am delighted that you used to find the ‘Office Assistant’ paper clip a.k.a. ‘ Clippy ’ of great help – but as you correctly point out, he was retired in 2001 after four years.

In answer to your question, I believe that there are currently no plans to revive Clippy, which is a great shame – because he / it provided a valuable and searingly accurate insight into the mind-set of the top-level managers who commissioned his / its creation.

Remember, it took them four long years ( plus the R&D time ) to realise that he / it was possibly the most [ deleted ] [ deleted ] [ deleted ] [ deleted ] [ deleted ] ever devised by humanity.

Thanks to Clippy, we can now gauge the true ‘ World-Class Level of Excellence ‘ of his / its creators.

Dear Jugs_meister

Yes, I was aware the you can spell out the words SHELL OIL if you turn your calculator upside down and enter 71077345.

In fact, so enthralled was I with the concept in general, I have had my own calculator specially modified ( by some careful rewiring of the LCD seven-segment display ) so that I can spell out GET A LIFE.

Is that any help to you ?

Dear Fctor_23

If I knew the secret of Hennessy Ellipse brandy, I most certainly would not divulge it here. Though I can reveal to you that it contains seven eaux-de-vies dating from 1800.

Personally, I do prefer Old Havana from Germain-Robin , and it’s more reasonably priced – you should not have to pay more than about €125 a bottle.

I’ve just had a couple of cases delivered as a matter of fact. Why don’t you order one ? I am confident that you won’t be disappointed.

Dear MmcOful_Nize

You enquired why water expands when it freezes whereas as most liquids contract.

I would have thought that the answer was self evident – but nonetheless I will extrapolate it for you.

If phase-transitional water did not expand in this way then ice would not have a lower density than liquid water. Thus ice would not float. It would sink to the bottom of the oceans, rivers and lakes, and thus would cause such catastrophic meteorological changes - think: ocean currents, reduced sunlight reflection at the poles, etc etc - that it would be highly unlikely that you would be here to ask the question.

Furthermore, ice cubes would not float in a whiskey glass – thus making life unbearable anyway.

Dear NVwlsPls

Your e-mail raised the question ( again ) as to whether or not viruses are alive.

That depends, of course, on your definition of ‘life’.

It’s hard to think of any other entity which cannot ‘move’, ‘reproduce’, ‘eat’, ‘respire’, or interact in any meaningful way with anything unless it’s inside the cell of another creature.

So there’s not much with which to compare viruses.

I would conject that they are no more living things than is the computer virus which you have on your hard drive. And no, I didn’t click on the attachment. Ha!

Dear JiKnaff_909_broke

Ganglionic depolarizing agents ? Do not go there.

Dear Kitch_n_devour

Thank you for sending me the candidate ‘ black hole ’. I would be the last one wishing to disappoint, but, after detailed analysis, I must inform you that the matchbox contained what I believe to be a small speck of ‘carbon-black’ – a.k.a. soot.

It does, at first glance, indeed appear to have at least one of the properties of a ‘black hole’ – in that it is extremely black. It reflects almost no light. (0.003%)

A quick calculation revealed to me however, that despite its very small size, had it really been a ‘black hole’ it would have had a mass ( weight ) of around 280,000,000 tonnes. Thus, I was fairly confident from the outset that the matchbox could not contain one - as the postman did not seem to be unduly struggling as he brought the package to the door of my office / lab.

Good luck with your search.

Dear nbnbIfink

I am sorry to report that I have absolutely no idea “ what chemical reaction turns grilled chicken blue “. Perhaps if you gave me a little more detail ? Are you sure it’s chicken ? Are you sure you’re grilling it ? Are you still taking the medication ?

Dear JooKlath_n_anny

It is an interesting question – albeit one which has been asked many, many, many, times before by philosophers and late-night imbibers all the world over - “ How do I know I’m not dreaming all this ? “

I may point out to you though, that if it were indeed the case that all of ‘reality’ was in fact a figment of your dreaming mind, then this reply would also be a nebulous non-entity.

I can, however, assure you that I am indeed sitting here and wasting my time responding to your query – and, believe me, the feeling of boredom is indeed 100% realistic at my end.

Although I admire your inquisitiveness, I must inform you that I flatly refuse to believe that I am a figment of your imagination – in fact, I am more inclined to wonder whether perhaps you are a figment of mine ?

Dear lNCremzalout_24Hrs

I am concerned to hear that you have inherited a large deposit of raw diamonds - with which you require assistance to move from a bank vault in Lagos.

I much appreciate your offer of a 30% ‘ brokerage fee ’, but regretfully, I cannot assist you in receiving funds to my Bermuda account – otherwise, I would of course be delighted to send you my address, account numbers, blood group, card details, and p.i. numbers. ( note that I did not make the same common tautological error as you made in your communication - by saying p.i.n. numbers )

But honestly ! My d.o.b. ? Are you out of your mind ? What impertinence ! Please [ deleted ] your diamonds [ deleted ][ deleted ][ deleted ].

Dear Qublath

Yes, I can inform you that silencers for small handguns are, indeed, very effective. A good silencer will achieve a muzzle noise reduction of around 30dB. ( If you are not sure what a 30dB reduction represents, noise-wise, then just place your portable radio inside your refigerator and shut the door. )

I can recommend though, that nearly all firearms come supplied with an even more effective silencing device – called the safety catch. My advice is, leave it on – permanently.

Dear Tykintehpark

You enquire as to real-world practical uses of probability theory. I can assure you that probabilistic functions are of enormous value. For instance, you may wonder whether it would be theoretically possible for an everyday object – say, for example, a book – to be able to pass completely through a wall without damage. We could ask ‘ is there any provision within the known laws of physics which would demand that such an event is not possible ? ‘ And the answer would be no.

We could also ask, however, is it likely that such an event would occur ? And the answer would, again, be a resounding no.

I personally use probability theory as an everyday mental tool, and I can assure you that it is utterly invaluable. ( mostly )

Dear bloopa_411.

No. As far as I am aware, there is no such thing as a low-fat pork scratching. If you are, as you claim, ‘addicted’ to pork scratchings, I thoroughly recommend that you urgently seek out some other (light) form of fast-food snack as a replacement. Failing that, I must warn you that you may be on a downward path to the pork-scratching rehab clinic. Which may well involve a period of cold turkey.

Dear blink_and_8134_underLyme

There can be no “ cures for facial asymmetry “. Facial asymmetry is not a disease - therefore it cannot be in need of a cure. Why are you obsessed with bilateral symmetry anyway ? Is a rose bilaterally symmetrical ? Is a beautiful sunset bilaterally symmetrical ?

You must overcome this childish preference and learn to see beauty in the asymmetric.

p.s. I have just opened the photograph of your good self which was sent as an attachment to your query. I am willing to concede .

Dear yuffflapsid

I’m not sure how to answer your query about “ methods of hiding electricity pylons ”. There are, of course, numerous techniques currently in use to hide cellphone relay masts. But they are far smaller. An electricity pylon can reach an astonishing 150 mtrs ! so it is a little difficult to imagine any method by which such a structure could be disguised – let alone hidden.

I do, nonetheless, thoroughly understand your motivation, since they are possibly the ugliest technological fix so far invented by the human race. They are, however, considerably cheaper than sub-ground high-tension cabling.

Cheap and Ugly . . .

C'est la vie, mon brave . . .

Reminds one of [deleted] does it not ! Ha !

Dear klonarrbiter

You asked about “ iliteracy rates in Birmingham UK “. I regret that I am unable to assist, because my dictionary does not list the word “ iliteracy “.

Are you a Birmingham resident yourself ?

Dear trattor_88

You enquired “ How much does polythene weigh ? “.

That would depend on the size of the piece of polythene.

Next !

Dear Llan_fair

You asked “ the person who discovered Saturn ? “ .

Unknown. Since anyone with reasonable vision has been able to see the planet Saturn with the naked eye ( since the very beginning of human history ) , I think it may be some time before we find out.

Next !

Dear YY_o_look_ a_fridge

Your query was “ is there proof that we share half our genes with the banana ? “

I believe so. But it may be a slip-up.

Next !

Dear Unbafker

You wondered about “ the effects of UV radiation on cave bacteria “.

There was no UV radiation in the cave until you unhelpfully appeared with your flashlight. Even then, thankfully, there was so little as to be insignificant. Therefore : effects = negligible.

Next !

Dear Harold0btain

You pondered “ who can check me for illegally implanted devices ? “

Would I be correct in assuming that you are wondering if someone may have ‘ illegally implanted a device ’ into your good self ? Are you by any chance thinking perhaps about ‘ aliens ’ – as in ' aliens from other worlds ' ? If so, take my advice and consult a psychiatric practitioner. Alternatively, move to Idaho.

Next !

[ Can we drop the ‘Next !' tag please ? Thanks. Ed. ]

Dear Igggloes

I am sorry to say that I cannot help you with a list of “ famous Dutch arthritis sufferers”. In fact, I can be perfectly candid with you and say that, until your query, I had never realised that there was such a condition as ‘Dutch arthritis’.

I am fairly astonished to hear that an illness such as arthritis would in any way respect geo-political boundaries, though I am prepared to countenance that perhaps a difference in the Dutch lifestyle may contribute to such a syndrome.

Purely as a matter of conjecture, I could perhaps suggest that the constant dampness incurred by living in an area substantially below sea-level may contribute ? Or maybe an excess of bicycling ?

If I accrue any further information I will let you know.

Dear Anonymous.

Please will you refrain from the constant questioning regarding “ How to raise minnows “.

I will point out, for the last time, that minnows do not need our assistance to raise themselves. As a species, they were extant here on Earth long before we were – thus it is therefore self-evident that they managed perfectly happily without our help.

Forget aout them.

Dear knuck_008_lhee

The question which you raise is one that has puzzled hydrologists for centuries. I do not pretend to know the answer, but can fairly confidently say that no-one else does either.

You are entirely correct to draw attention to the mystery of the vast difference in tide levels at opposite sides of the Atlantic. As far as I am aware, the location with the greatest difference between high and low tide ( 16 mtrs or so ) is at Burntcoat Head, Nova Scotia. Yet, at the other side of the very same ocean, at say, Madeira , the tide is a mere 2.5 mtrs.

The causes of which, I think, could rightly be described as a puzzle wrapped in a conundrum within an enigma.

Worse to come. I haven’t mentioned the so-called ‘ Sea Level Anomaly ’ whereby the ‘height’ of the various oceans ( averaged over the years ) varies by over 1 mtr across the globe ! Contrary to the common parlance then, the sea, is not, therefore, level . . .

It goes without saying that there are various ‘explanations’ – all of which are plainly lacking in solidity. The Moon’s gravitational pull is, of course, exactly the same at any point on a given latitude – though the tide levels can vary enormously. So why the tide variation ?

My personal conjecture is a simple one – is it not possible that the water in different parts of the ocean simply weighs more at some points than it does at others ? There could be more salt dissolved in the water perhaps ? Or a plethora of fish or other marine organisms ? This weight-difference would of course account for differing gravitational pulls – hence the variation in tide levels.

As I mentioned though, I simply don’t know.