ASK EIRON
Restaurant and theatre pundit Eiron Foyer responds to your technical and scientific queries :
You can send a question via our contact form.
Dear ExCloakingD4VicE
Look around you and see if you can spot any wild animals ( excluding the marine mammals – which need blubber for heat-insulation ) which are obese.
I think you will find it a great rarity. However, farmers have known for centuries how to force animals and birds – which are by nature quite trim in the wild – to get very fat, very quickly. They weigh more, and meat is generally sold by weight. Fatter animal : fatter profit.
In case you are not a farmer yourself, here’s how to do it. You feed them lots of carbohydrates ( normally in the form of grains ) . Nowadays, if you are completely scruple-free, you may increase the speed of fattening even further with the addition of various chemical ‘growth promoters’. ( consult your legal advisor first though ).
Now, honestly, what is the great mystery regarding the current ‘human obesity epidemic’ ? If you don’t like you colleagues calling you ‘ Cornfed ’ then may I suggest that you stop eating corn ( and, of course, the abhorrently obese farmed animals which are fed on it ).
Dear Kadlc0dunk
Throughout history, how many times has someone wondered ’ What are dreams for ’ ? - as you do. Well, here is my answer.
Our brains are very impressive random-access memory storage systems are they not ? It is true that many of us have substantially less than perfect memories – but, nevertheless, most people do remember truly astonishing amounts of information - both useful, and useless. I’ll warrant for example, that you can remember substantial portions of popular songs which were in vogue when you were growing up – however long ago that may be – and however asinine those songs were. Am I wrong ?
Now, bearing in mind that the brain’s memory storage facilities are not infinite, it will become apparent that over time, the individual memories will necessarily become ‘fragmented’ ( as any owner of a hard-disc drive will - or at least should – know ).
To maintain efficiency, and in order to compact and consolidate the data on any random access storage device, it is periodically necessary to ‘de-fragment’ the ‘files’ from time to time. This is not biology – it is mathematics.
Our dreams are simply the artifacts ( welcome or unwelcome, useful or useless ) caused as our brain ‘de-frags’ itself as we sleep.
Dear Iadnw829a4a
I think you may be somewhat confused over the usually accepted meaning of the word ‘ falsifiable ‘ in scientific parlance. It is employed as a logical tool to drive a wedge between things which stand a chance of being scientifically proven – and things which do not.
Thus, if I were to claim ; “ I believe that all inhabitants of planet Thargyla have five eyes “ you would be able to shoot my hypothesis down in flames ; simply by pointing out that, since no-one has visited planet Thargyla, and almost certainly won’t be doing so in the near future, it would, therefore, be impossible for anyone to ‘prove’ that I am wrong.
In other words, my conjecture is not ‘falsifiable’ - and thus it is not worth listening to me.
Your own take on the meaning of the word – which if I may paraphrase, goes along the lines of ‘There are lies, damn lies, statistics, and scientific research papers’ is not the usual modus-operandi of the word – though, regrettably, I can very well see how the confusion may have arisen.
Dear GlassEaling
Would I recommend studying Geology as a smart career-move ? Well, I’m not at all sure. The majority of geologists who are lucky enough to end up in the top-strata of well-remunerated posts - are working for the oil industry. So, if you are interested in boring perhaps it might be the right move.
Dear Twista_dawg
Yes, of course I’m always happy to advise on the subtle intricacies of wine/food combining. I confess though that the challenge which you have set me stretches my knowledge of oenology to its very limits. My first guess was that a Portuguese Touriga Nacional Dão might fit the bill, but the flavors shift more to the leathery side - candied orange and caramel with wild berry overtones on the forefront. So on reflection, I plumped for a Gozitan Syrah Ulysses 2005 – timbres of salted almonds and fresh vanilla pods, yet, dare I say, bordering on the volcanic - I simply cannot imagine a better wine to complement a deep-fried MarsBar™.
Dear klewlez
I am as much surprised by, as I am admirable of, your impertinence, in asking, ‘How old are you ?’. I honestly do not think though that the majority my readers would be in the least interested in such a trivial detail. Though perhaps I can give you a clue, by telling you that my first draft of a possible title for my contributions to this venerable publication was ‘ The Ancient Geek Column ‘ . . .
[ Eiron, why didn’t you mention that ?
It’s great. Might use it. Thanks. Ed. ]
Dear Bsdg978907_Y
Don't be so pessimistic, fried food can be wonderfully nutritious and supremely tasty if correctly prepared.
The ‘secret’ of frying can be summed up in one word.
Surprise.
You should always ensure that any foodstuffs which you intend to prepare by frying are resoundly ‘surprised’ - that is to say by a very hot oil into which they are quickly, and fully, submersed. This has the effect of instantly forming a crispy outer layer which, counter-intuitively perhaps, is almost impervious to the oil.
The foodstuff will thus self-cook quite marvelously inside this ‘skin’, and the flavours and nutrients will not leak out as they do with that reprehensible process which is as much the enemy of nutrition as it is of gustative delight – viz. boiling.
( please note that I am quite in favour of steaming though )
[ Eiron : hmmmmm . . . have you by any chance recently been reading Jean-Anthelme Brillat-Savarin’s ‘The Physiology of Taste’ (1825) ? Ed. ]
Dear Plinatain_jo
No, I’m sorry to tell you that you have been badly misinformed. I’m not sure where this commonly-heard myth originated – but it’s unadulterated piffle. Egg-boxes are almost completely ineffectual for sound insulation purposes.
If you would like to insulate yourself from noise – then think about seriously heavy, double-layer concrete walls, nicely sealed at the joints and with an air-gap between them.
I know ( from experience ) there’s a good chance that I won’t even begin to convince you of your egg-boxes' inappropriatenesses – but ask yourself the following question.
If you were designing a container for eggs, would you make it out of concrete ?
Dear Glow_lpug
Yes, I think that there’s every chance that the keyboard of an average ATM ( i.e. hole-in-the-wall machine ) will be positively swarming with bacteria.
They are poked and prodded the whole day long by all and sundry, so it shouldn’t come as much of a surprise that they are likely to be – on a microscopic level at least – quite repulsively filthy.
What can be done ? Well of course you could swab down the keyboard with a good dose of 100% alcohol before using it – but I can’t vouch that it wouldn’t damage the mechanism, or at the very least take the paint off it. So I suggest instead that you insulate yourself from the problem with a good pair of surgical-quality latex gloves.
You might also consider other possible common-property sources of bacteria
and viruses. For example door knobs, coins, surfaces in washrooms, etc etc.
So, it may well be prudent to keep the gloves on at all times when you are ‘out
and about’.
Don’t forget though that one of the most likely places to find pathogenic
bacteria is of course . . . on other people. So, if you want to maintain
a higher than normal level of cleanliness, you could keep your gloves on
too when, for example, the prospect raises of having to shake hands, or,
indeed, when engaging in any other skin/skin contact scenarios.
Perhaps try and persuade your friends to wear them too ? Why not start a club support group ?
Dear Lvbci_3254
Well, I am very glad indeed to hear that you are considering growing sub-tropical orchids as a hobby. As it happens, I myself am an orchid breeder. Your geographical location however - Jokkmokk – wouldn’t perhaps be the most likely place to spring to mind as suitable for a budding Orchidaceaeologist . But, given the right equipment, that is to say, heating, lighting and a supply of suitable nutrients, I see absolutely no reason why you shouldn’t be able to grow the basic breeds – say Paphiopedilums or Phragmipediums - in Lapland.
In fact, I think you stand considerably more chance of success than someone trying to breed, say, Reindeer in Indonesia.
Dear 55BigLowe
Yes, of course, it was one of the earliest enigmas thrown up by the possibility of time-travel. As I’m sure you are aware, Einstein’s views about the structure of space-time ( almost all of which still hold good today ) do not in any way preclude the theoretical possibility of travelling either forwards, or backwards, in time.
But, as you correctly point out ( as many others have done ) if, at some time in the distant future we become sufficiently tech-savvy as to be able to construct a time-machine ( specifically one that goes back into the past ) then - Where are all the tourists ?
The manifestly obvious lack of visitors from the future does not though, in my opinion, in any way ‘prove’ that time travel is not possible.
There are a number of other possible explanations.
Firstly, we may have already wiped out the entire human race and indeed all life on Earth well before we got around to inventing a time machine. Or, it’s possible that such a device might be able to specify which year to go back to – but not where in the universe. Some scientists are presently claiming that the laws of physics allow us only to choose when-but-not-where, or where-but-not-when - if you follow my drift.
I have a simpler explanation though. If you were a time-travel-tourist, why in heavens name would you choose to come back to now ?
I’m sure there will be some rather more attractive temporal locations in the brochure . . .
Comment from reader Schneewinkel
In your reply to 55BigLowe's question "Where are all the tourists?", you say "it was one of the earliest enigmas thrown up by the possibility of time-travel"... but was it always so? Perhaps such a tourist (with a strong sense of ironic humour) introduced the concept to a timeline that had missed it ?
Dear PakTheMAx
I don’t have the faintest idea where the phrase ‘ The red carpet treatment ’ originated. And, as you asked, ‘ Why red ? ‘ Good point. Why not blue, lime-green or orange ?
I can tell you though that the colour red for a carpet is not the most ‘democratic’ of hues. It appears red only because the quantum-mechanical properties of the compounds from which it is made tend to absorb all wavelengths of light except red. The red light is reflected thus giving the impression that it’s coloured.
In my opinion a truly democratic carpet should equally reflect all hues – and so should be white. But there are practical considerations – viz. in the real world, it would be unlikely to stay white very long.
So, I suggest instead another democratic carpet-colour which absorbs all wavelengths equally.
Black.
I can divulge that, over the years, it’s actually become quite a habit of mine to give my guests the ‘ black carpet treatment ’ when they arrive at my villa. And, if I may say so, it looks extremely stylish as well.
No-one has yet complained, and I can’t remember the last time I had to clean it.
Dear zooPhyte99
Yes, I too have heard rumours that, fairly recently, soldiers in high-temperature conflict zones have hit upon the idea of using the highly absorbent resins commonly found in feminine-hygiene products to alleviate unpleasant sweating under their helmets.
As you might imagine, this is purely an ad hoc stopgap measure, and the military would very probably be glad of the assistance of an inventor such as yourself to help them find a more permanent solution.
I myself have no ideas on the subject. It’s not something I have paid much attention to in the past, and I must say that I have no intention of aiding, in even the smallest way, anyone’s ‘war effort’.
Their helmets can stay sweaty for all I care.
Nothing personal.
Dear LiloSili
My editor doesn’t allow me to give specific financial advice through this column - but, in general terms, no, I would not encourage you to invest any significant portion of your hard-earned savings in Hydrogen-futures.
My reasoning runs thusly. Hydrogen is very light. It is very difficult to
keep ‘bottled up’ so to speak. It consistently leaks away at
the earliest opportunity. It is indeed one of the ficklest of substances.
So it can hardly be thought of as a sturdy investment can it ? Why not go
for
something
solid,
heavy, and inherently very stable ? Say Granite-futures instead
?
Dear Ynot_Hawaii
Yes, it’s true that the probabilities of unwarranted visual cyber-snooping are increasing by the day. But I do think that you might perhaps be unnecessarily distraught regarding possible covert surveillance of your good self via your computer’s webcam. Anyway, rather than worrying about potential disadvantages, why not exploit it ?
Instead of slumping there in front of your computer and operating the mouse in your pyjamas [ OhPurleese . . . Ed. ] , why not dress-up for the occasion ? I have done the same for many years when I sit down with a glass of port to listen to BBC Radio 4 on my Radiogram. I always put on a smart blazer, and sometimes even a bow tie. In short, I make an occasion of it !
So, if anyone really is snooping on you – give them a show ! Use it to your advantage ! Think of it as free publicity !
( alternatively, throw your baseball-cap over your webcam )
Dear Goodgleer
It is rather refreshing to receive a question on the topic of social psychology – a subject area which for some reason generates but little pique in my inbox.
So here are my thoughts regarding your question “ At what age does it become socially acceptable to wear a monocle ? “
Clearly it would be highly inadvisable to wear one during school years ( the only exception would be if one was very considerably bigger and stronger than all the other pupils in one’s class )
Between the ages of 20 to 40 I would also suggest that the benefits of wearing one would be considerably outweighed by the negative reactions of one’s associates.
Post 40 begins the period when monocle-wearing could, in some individuals at least, become a viable proposition – but only if used occasionally, and supported by some other accoutrements which help to instill credibility in others – say, by the use of spats, loafers, waistcoats or oversized umbrellas.
I would submit to you though that it is not until one is past 55 that one could seriously consider using a monocle on a permanent basis. And beyond 60 it should pose no disadvantages whatsoever.
Oddly though - and to my knowledge this is largely unexplained - somewhere past 80, the monocular credibility quotient begins to ( somewhat literally ) drop off.
Dear B4nk_st4t3m3nt
Charming !
I could not have asked for a better (not quite) Christmas present – or as a gift for any other time of year come to think of it.
Until today, I had always considered that large pinecones were more suitable as decorative objects rather than for the purposes which your letter so succinctly outlined on my behalf.
Many thanks also for the accompanying drawing, which more than compensated, in terms of sociological enlightenment, for what it lacked in anatomical accuracy.
I sincerely wish you all the success and happiness you deserve for the coming year.
Dear LysTereem_team
No, I don’t think you should be unduly concerned about what you call your ‘ obsession ‘ - viz. to double-check the strength and position of your chair every time you are about to sit on it.
Viewed in the ice-cold light of the laws of physics, it is only a matter of probability that the particles which make up your chair happen to ‘decide’ to remain in a chair-like formation.
Like any other entity, all the atoms and molecules in the chair are in constant motion due to thermal energy – were they , by chance, to all move in the same direction ( and if you could wait long enough, they would ) then obviously the chair would no longer be where you expect to find it.
This is compounded by the fact that the subatomic particles which make up the atoms are also subject to the laws of probability. They can pop in an out of existence at any time – and indeed they do – but luckily for you and your chair, the odds against them all disappearing momentarily at the same time are vanishingly remote.
But they could.
Thus your chair-checking routine is far from the inconvenient delusion that you seem to think it is. It seems remarkably reasonable, intelligent, and circumspect to me. You should carry on.
I confess though that I don’t always follow my own advice - and occasionally forget to check my own chair before sitting down. ( especially after a few [ deleted ] ! ). Rest assured though that I will not complain to you or anyone else if I come a cropper due to my own negligence.
Dear Trans_plif7_NT
Well, I have to disagree that my photo [above] “ makes me look like some kind of feeble vegetarian “
Actually, I’m not vegetarian ( at the moment ).
Over time though, I have tried most of the known variants of food-ist regimes. For example, in my very early years I was a thoroughly committed Lactarian.
At a later date I became a Fructarian eating only fruits and berries, and this developed into becoming a Fallen-Fructarian – whence I only ate fruits or berries which I found on the ground ( to avoid the so called pick-violence ).
Moving hungrily on, I also tried Myco-arianism ( eating only fungi ), Algae-arianism ( just seaweed ) and briefly experimented with Aajonus Vonderplanitz’s Primitive Paleolithic diets ( but I discovered that I am not constitutionally suited to raw rabbit and suet in large quantities )
Nowadays I’m more inclined towards Liquitarianism.
And yourself ? Could I perhaps guess a lifelong BurgerAndChips-arian ?
Dear cuuplarGime
If your genetic makeup is reasonably similar to the rest of the humanity, then there is very little you can do about it.
Why do you want to “ get a good suntan “ on the palms of your hands anyway ? No-one else has suntanned palms do they ?
Before you e-mail me with a supplementary question along the lines of “ why’s that then ? “ I can tell you that I haven’t the foggiest idea. It is self evident of course that the skin cells on our palms ( and various other places ) do not produce much melanin – but why we should be built that way goodness only knows.
It wouldn’t surprise me if some over-imaginative evolutionary anthropologist chasing a research grant from somewhere has already hypothesised that it’s for ‘signaling’ at dusk across the Savannahs - or some such balderdash.
I don’t know. Nobody does. Get over it.
[ A little more decorum towards our valued readers please Eiron. Thanks, Ed. ]
Dear VGpr4wn
No, I’m not at all sure that ‘ nostalgia ‘ could ( or indeed should ) be classified as a psychological disorder.
From the burdensome symptoms which you describe though, I would guess that you are suffering from an obscure form which I would call proto-nostalgia – in other words, a yearning for times past, but, specifically, before you were born.
I hope you don’t mind if I point out that it is normally considered necessary to have lived though a time-period in order to experience nostalgia for it.
I do sympathise though, as I myself occasionally have twinges of meta-nostalgia - typified by fondly longing for times which have not arrived yet.
Dear modlager
You are in very good company if you “ find that it’s impossible to visualise ‘Time’ as another ‘dimension’ “
Although I am of course utterly unable to fully explain for you, perhaps I can give an example which might clarify things just a little.
Imagine that you are walking briskly along a city street. A malevolent pigeon, seated on a tree branch above you, decides to downwardly dispatch a decidedly disagreeable dropping. As luck would have it however, it lands on the pavement [sidewalk] a metre in front of you.
Now, if you had been a metre further forward it would have landed on your head.
And, with complete similarity, if you had been a second earlier.
From your point of view then, what is the difference between a metre and a second ?
Dear BezAmphert
In some ways you are correct. It is quite possible to conduct your own ‘genetic engineering’ experiments without any expensive equipment, any detailed knowledge of DNA, and without having to wait too long for the results.
Though I wouldn’t necessarily encourage you to do so.
Perhaps I can give as an example an associate aquaintance of mine who, as a hobby, breeds dogs in London's East End. He has recently crossed a Pit Bull with a Poodle to produce what he calls a ‘ Pit Poodle ’.
[ The dog is ] A repugnant wretch if ever I saw one. Being small, with white curly hair, and having a penchant to remain seated for long periods on a satin cushion which my colleague ( with great insight ) has provided.
He delights in informing me that if you look at him in the ‘wrong’ way
he will ' have your arm off '. Needless to say I will make a point of never
approaching the creature close enough to find out first hand.
Dear JyngFlex
Yes it’s true that, if by any chance one finds oneself unexpectedly ‘ lost in the woods ‘ one can find ( roughly ) the direction of due North by looking for moss growing on trees. Mosses are especially adapted for low-light conditions, and predominately prefer to grow on the North side of the trunk. This navigational tip is especially useful in that it can be used even on completely overcast days ( when the passage of the sun is not visible ) – or even at night.
Before relying 100% on such a technique though, I should like to point out to you an often-overlooked proviso to this advice. In that it depends entirely upon which side of the equator you are on. For, in the Southern hemisphere, of course the moss grows on the South side !
So, the first question you should always ask yourself is ‘ Which hemisphere am I in ? ‘.
To this end, you could perhaps try searching for signs of animals or plants
which are unique to the South – say penguins.
Dear rtppxh
Many thanks indeed for sending me the kind invitation to the seminar :
‘ Time Flexibility : Four Dimensional Quantum Perturbations and their Einsteinian Implications ‘
Nowadays of course, everyone is familiar with the malleable nature of time. Sometimes it simply flies by, and at others, almost appears to stand still. But exactly why ? And exactly how ? And perhaps more importantly, when ? It is a subject area which has not, in my opinion, received anything like the attention which it deserves. And therefore I would wholeheartedly support any further investigations into the topic.
What a pity your [ deleted ] invitation arrived the day after the conference had ended.
Dear MahHan606Klub
Absolutely. It’s well known that Dolphins and Porpoises can ‘ switch off half of their brain at a time ‘ in order to rest. Though it puzzles me greatly why anyone should find this fact in any way out-of-the-ordinary. Surely it’s self-evident that many of the higher mammals get by only using half of their brain ?
Nothing personal.
Dear nOin7GH
You are quite right to be concerned about the population-aging balance in many countries. Not long ago, one often heard someone referring ( in a jocular way ) to the fact that the average person had 2.4 children. Now though, the falling birth rate, which has been controlled by laws and financial incentives in some countries, means that the younger portion of the population will shortly find themselves having to ‘look after’ burgeoning numbers of senior citizens – either directly, or by means of a greatly increased tax burden.
To sum up, I fear many people are in the now unenviable position of having 2.4 parents.
Dear MatHeed94
I do take onboard your point about the absurdity of throwing away über high-tech items, though sadly I must inform that I have failed to come up with any “ uses for discarded one-day contact lenses “ that you enquired about.
I can only suggest that perhaps you could just wear one at a time ( with an eyepatch for the other eye ). My calculations tell me that that should cut down your environmental impact by as much as 50%.
Dear loughBro
Thank you for sending me your alternative method for determining whether
the refrigerator light really has gone out after the door has been closed.
But I’m not at all sure that I can recommend readers to install a '
wide-angle front-door peephole ' in their fridge door – though I’m
almost completely convinced it would work.
Dear malKNotting
Yes, it was frankly amazing to find out, via the work of the Human Genome project that we have so few genes.
In fact, disheartening as it may seem, we now know that the humble potato has more genes than we do.
Exactly what this tells us about the potato is unclear.
Is their genetic programming for some reason more demanding than ours ? Or maybe their genome is replete with redundant material – reminiscent of so-called ‘bloated’ software ? Or, of course, there is a third, and somewhat unnerving possibility – they may perhaps be more advanced beings than we are. Though if that really is the case, it has to be said that they keep their talents remarkably well hidden.
Since this unsettling notion occurred to me, I have always borne the possibility in the back of my in mind every time I order pomme de terre frite à la poêle in my favourite restaurant. To be on the safe side, I advocate that you do likewise.
Dear xosdfgiwj
You are obviously a keen follower of ‘complexity theory ‘ , specifically with reference to the idea that very large scale systems may spontaneously exhibit so-called ‘ emergent ‘ properties.
You ask whether I think it may be possible that the ‘internet’ may one day develop an ‘intelligence ‘ of its own . . .
Firstly I would like to say that the complexity of the internet is indeed truly staggering. Pundits often mention the huge numbers of interconnected computers now almost permanently in operation. We should also bear in mind that each and every one of those computers contain microprocessor chips which themselves are interconnected networks of many millions of transistors. This astounding electronic network is woven together with what used to be called ‘ the most complex man-made machine ever assembled ‘ – the global telephone / telecomm system.
So, we can now say that without any doubt whatever that its complexity is very many times more than say the brain of a whelk, or perhaps even a small fish. Thus it certainly fulfills the complexity criterion.
But now onto the main question. Is it possible , that it could ever spontaneously become intelligent – that is to say ‘alive’ ?
I like to look at it this way.
No.
Yes, I know you’re thinking ‘ how can he be so sure ? ‘ and I will explain with the following ‘ thought experiment ’.
Imagine a bagfull of hammers, each one tied to the other by a length of wet string. Now imagine that you have several trillion such bags, and that each of them is tied to every other with similar string. Now surmise that you are in the happy predicament of being able to wait for the lifetime of the entire universe to see if this extensively interconnected network may oneday become intelligent.
( Please feel free to imagine as well that you can send 100,000,000 volts through the whole lot whenever you are so minded. )
To sum up : Experience has so far shown us that for a being to be intelligent, it must be extremely complex. But one should never make the mistake of assuming that the reverse is true.
Dear JeffBlanket
Of course, by now, the concept of Moore’s Law – viz. that computers roughly double their speed every 18 months – has almost become a cliché. One must not forget though that computers – however lightning fast they are, require software to run.
And what, I expect you are wondering, is the rate of progress for doubling software efficiency ? You may be surprised to learn that the development rate is not measured in months as the hardware is – it is measured in decades.
As a rule of thumb, software tends to become twice as efficient in a period of somewhere between 10 and 20 years.
And the implications ? It is quite hard to think of a suitable analogy, but we can be sure that we are now faced with the disturbing reality that, in general, we are employing hopelessly inadequate outdated and unsophisticated software on lightning-fast hardware.
Imagine that you are running your Ferrari Testarossa on a mixture of powdered coal and butchers tallow and you won’t be far off the mark.
Dear 27245dvbs0s
I confess that prior to your communication, I had never heard of Coulrophobia.
Subsequent though to a search through my extensive library of medical and psychological conditions, I now know that it is defined as ‘ a fear of clowns ’.
You have my sympathies, and I will not insult you by trying to point out ( as I’ll warrant many would ) that a ‘phobia’ by definition, is an irrational fear.
Instead, by means of a distraction strategy, I would like to attempt assistance by indicating that there are a great many other things which we really should be afraid of. In fact, as I like to point out, fear is often admirably utilitarian.
As an example, fear of raging bulls ( sorry, I don’t have the correct medical term to hand ) has probably saved a great many lives over the years. As has, say, a fear of sharp objects, or slimy things.
Personally, I don’t consider myself in any way phobic, but I can affirmatively reveal that I do have one persistently tenacious ‘ fear ’ which is seemingly becoming ever more potent as years go by. It is a fear of political leaders. But I do not in any way see this as an encumberment. In fact I very much intend to keep it keenly honed at all times.
Hmmmm. It has just occurred to me that I too might have a form of Coulrophobia .
Dear Tr4kW3m
Your ‘theory’ , which, for reasons of copyspace I won’t reproduce here, is a wonderful cornucopia of circular definitions.
Allow me to demonstrate what I mean by a ‘ circular definition ‘.
Consider this rock-solid formula – devised by none other than Isaac Newton himself :
f = ma i.e. [force] = [mass] x [acceleration]
Nowadays, it is utterly taken for granted by every physicist, and every schoolboy/girl science student too.
But allow me, if you will, to scrutinise it a little more closely.
For we may ask – what, exactly, is a ‘force’ ?
A force is that which can accelerate a mass.
And a ‘mass’ ?
A mass is that which can be accelerated by a force.
See the problem ?
Without wishing to undermine Newton’s undoubted talents, what I ask, is the illuminative utility of such a formula ? Granted, yes, it works. It has worked every time it has ever been measured - to unimaginable levels of accuracy. It is without doubt a supremely useful mathematical tool.
But what does it ultimately tell us about the underlying nature of things ?
One might as well say :
[thing] = [thing] x [yet another undefined thing]
Dear zIPpAKippa
If I have understood you correctly, you are of the opinion that the most important aspect in ‘ the definition of a living entity ’ is the ability to reproduce.
You assert that “ It is self evident that if an entity cannot reproduce, it cannot be said to fall into the philosophical category of ' lifeforms ' “
That will no doubt come as very disappointing news to all mules.
Dear cL0wdB4se
You ask my opinion on the new(ish) trend regarding ‘plastic corks’ for wine bottles.
Manifestly, the lexical dyad ‘ plastic cork ‘ is a blatant oxymoron. There can be no such thing as a ‘ plastic cork ’. A cork, is, by definition, made of cork - not plastic. One may certainly come across a ‘plastic winebottle stopper’ - but not a ‘ plastic cork ’.
There ( thankfully) is no such thing.
So. If you would like to know my thoughts regarding plastic winebottle stoppers . . .
On a semi-regular basis I amuse myself by focussing my olfactory endeavours in trying to identify the various flavoursome component chemicals which make up the bouquet of fine wines – and Ethylene Vinyl Acetate is certainly not one of them.
Dear Botolph_gdns
Yes. I do agree that, as a social scientist, you are quite right to be concentrating on ‘ rapidly rising crime levels across Britain ‘.
I cannot agree however with your analysis regarding possible negative consequences.
I prefer to look at it this way :
If there was no crime there would be no need for a police force. Tens of thousands would therefore become unemployed.
And what of the hordes of expensive criminal lawyers and court officials ? They would be redundant.
The grey and black-market in stolen goods would collapse. Therefore the less well-off would be forced to pay more for new items.
Insurance companies could no longer charge for burglary cover. Etc etc.
In short, criminals are one of the most efficient groups for stimulating and maintaining economic growth.
Am I annoying you ? Well, it’s not my fault, complain to Karl
Marx – he
explained it all long before I did.
Dear Mc_Hack_77
I can’t say that I’m all that impressed by your claim that you have “ independently developed a quantum-effect electromagnetic detection device “.
Regrettably, I must disappoint - and inform you that I believe that the work which you are doing lacks novelty.
To illustrate, I have two quantum-effect electromagnetic detector assemblies myself. And they were given to me more than half a century ago ! They still work astonishingly well, and can readily detect the tiniest quantum-induced electron mobility changes. They are small, water resistant, extremely reliable, consume very little power, and are sufficiently sensitive to detect low-energy photons arriving from the furthest reaches of the galaxy.
They’re called eyes.
How do they compare to your new device ?
Exactly.
Do feel free to contact me again though if the continuation of your ‘work’ manages
in some way to upstage Nature.
Dear non_qujill
Naturally I am aware of the work which has been done on human pheromones - and their likelihood - or not, of working as a reliable method of attracting ‘mates’.
I must tell you that the evidence to support pheromonal vectoring in our species is flimsy to say the least.
Should you insist on investigating though – and I’m guessing that perhaps you might – then you can procure several spray-on products on the open market which are sold for the very purposes which you envisage.
You should firmly bear in mind that these items do not contain human pheromones – they are based on veterinary products - which have indeed been found to be somewhat effective for use in the animal husbandry industry. Especially piggeries.
So, if you do feel inclined to experiment, then I most strongly recommend that you avoid wandering into the vicinity of any farmyards.
Unless of course [ deleted ] [ deleted ] [ deleted ] [ deleted ].
Dear laqeur_77_ober
Yes, I’m not overly fond of conjecting about subjects which cannot, and will not, ever be proved one way or another. In this instance though I shall make a exception, given the intriguing nature of your query.
You are quite right to say that there were a great many bird-like dinosaurs, as is being demonstrated time and time again by fossil finds. So it is interesting to wonder whether perhaps they ‘sang’ – as birds are wont. If they did – and I see absolutely no reason why not – we can reliably surmise the following :
It would have been loud
It would have been low-pitched
And probably with a slow(ish) tempo.
Whether they may have had a musical bent – as many birds do – that humans might have found pleasing ( had they been around at the time – which, of course, they were not ) I cannot say. Though I very much like to think so.
As an aside, I can suggest a jocose method for stimulating your imagination regarding what it may possibly have sounded like.
Furnish yourself with an old vinyl record deck and procure one of the many available long-playing records of birdsong. Turn up the volume to maximum, place the needle on the record, but do not press play - just wind the disc around by hand as slowly as you can manage.
Dear sglitjnksdlmv
Yes, it is true that it pays to be somewhat vigilant of possible detrimental health effects when consuming shellfish.
I can offer some advice ( applicable to edible bivalves ).
If the shell is open before you cook it – throw it away.
If the shell is not open after you have cooked it – throw it away.
Enjoy the remainder with dill, apricot, or even a Belgian Weissbeer sauce.
Dear Trill04pen
You were wondering “ Where is the evidence that Humans have evolved mentally over the last million years or so ? ”
I expect that you are aware that there is a great deal of heated and vexed controversy on the matter . . . so, bearing that in mind, I would say that your own opinion is very probably just as valid as any expressed in the body of scientific work on the subject !
Therefore can I perhaps encourage you to conduct your own informal research ? Your letter’s postmark hints at your geographical location, thus, can I recommend that for a starting place as good as any, why not try the centre of Cardiff on a Friday or Saturday night ?
Dear dillhook
“ Where would be the best place to locate my business so as to be safe from a future mega-tsunami ? ” you asked.
The glib answer would of course be ‘ in a very high place a long way away from the sea.’ So, if for example, you were to setup shop on the plateau of Tibet, it is unlikely ( though not impossible ) that you would ever be bothered by tsunamis.
There is however another possibility – and curiously, it’s at sea level . . . Counter-intuitive though it may appear, the middle of a large ocean can be a reasonably safe place to be with respect to tsunamis. The reason has to do with the ‘wavelength’ of a typical tsunami wave. The wave may indeed be fiercely high – maybe as much as 10 mtrs – but, the principal question you need to ask yourself is – how long would it take to pass by ?
Far out at sea, seismologically generated waves, though fast moving, often have a wavelength of several hundreds of Kilometers – so, if you were floating in the middle of a deep ocean, it's probable that you would scarcely notice its passing . . .
Thus, a large-scale oceanic floating platform may suit your needs ? ( I’m informed that there are tax advantages too ! )
[ Eiron. You’re forgetting perhaps about the so-called oceanic ‘rogue waves’ - which are believed to account for many lost shipping accidents every year. Ed. ]
Dear BK_zimm32469
You enquired “ Why is it so difficult to visualise things in four dimensions ? “
It is not.
Just look up at the night sky, and you will see the heavens laid out in 4D right before your eyes. Most of the stars – indeed galaxies – which you will observe are depicted not as they are, but as they were billions of years ago. In other words, you are viewing them in the three Cartesian dimensions of space, plus the fourth, of time . . .
What is so difficult about that ?
Dear WinDohShoppa
I think that I need to re-orient you regarding your question “ Is there a scientific way to keep my teeth white ? “
I would strongly discourage you from the oral use of any bleaching agents. I believe that the long-term consequences are, at best, unknown.
How much better if the teeth could be whitened outside of the mouth ? To this end, it is possible to replace all ones teeth with ceramic devices – which individually screw into screw threads implanted in the jaw bones.
Farfetched as it may sound, a colleague has just such a set, which he had manufactured and installed in Malaysia some thirty years ago. They are as white as pearls.
Not only that, but if a tooth breaks or cracks – as they occasionally
do, a new one can be made in a couple of days. He also has what he calls
his ‘decorative’ sets, for psychological impact etc. One is fetchingly
crafted out of solid titanium, the other has two extra-long (2.5cm ) incisors
- which he principally uses for business meetings.
Dear 3ndaPharm
I quite agree with you – swinging one’s arms whilst walking or running is a prodigious waste of energy. And is something that we should all urgently pay attention to.
It quite perplexes me the way that, in the eyes of the public, it is quite normal and acceptable not wave one’s arms about while riding a bicycle – so why do it when running ?
I have not conducted any experiments into the amount of energy wasted in arm-swinging, but I would guess that in the case of, say, a sprint runner, ( such as yourself ), the cost of arm-swinging could well be 10 – 20% of the total energy expenditure. It is obvious to me that competition runners should train themselves not to swing their arms.
I know of course that this is contrary to the guidance of several million years-worth of evolution – for presumably, in the past, when we moved around on all-fours, it was expedient – now, however, it is most emphatically not.
It won’t be easy to train yourself not to swing your arms, but I feel that it will be well worth the effort – may I suggest that during training sessions you use a goodly supply of duct tape to securely fasten them to your sides ? Don’t worry about how you will look – I‘ll wager that the detractors will soon change their tune when you start coming in first for every race !
Dear Mit4gator
Your query :
“ Will I be able to sell electricity back to the grid while my hydrogen fuel-cell car is parked in the garage ? “
has all the logic and foresight of a man who asks :
“ Can I pick myself up with my own bootlaces ? “
Even if the hydrogen which you’ll be using is extracted from water using a ‘green’ energy source ( which it won’t be – it will come from coal/gas/oil ) then consider the following chain of events.
Electricity is used to ‘split’ the H2 from water. The hydrogen is then transported ( by road ) to a filling station near you. You fill up your vehicle with H2 and run the fuel cell whilst the car is not in use for transport ( typically over 90% of the time ). The electricity which you generate is then sold back to the grid.
Spot any anomalies ? Any pleasingly circular blind-em-with-science corporate scam opportunities ? Any hydrogen bootlaces ?
Dear nxuejgzoge
You ask : “ What can I say to my nextdoor neighbour, who keep telling me that I’m obese ? “
Well, how about something along the lines of :
“ Yes, I think it’s because every time I sleep with your
wife she gives me a biscuit “.
Dear Qwill_pointa
You enquired : “ I have recently discovered that I can run my diesel car on cooking oil - so, conversely, can I also cook with diesel fuel ? ”
And the answer is ‘ yes of course you can ! ’ In fact there are many manufacturers of diesel-powered cookers – I have one aboard my yacht, and it’s never yet failed.
Ahhhh. My editor has just alerted me to the fact that your question has a second possible meaning. And I must warn you that replacing the oil in your deep fat fryer for diesel, is, by definition, the kind of thing that one would do only once in a lifetime.
Dear Occiment_55
Yes, I have heard that broken bones often mend in such a way that they are indeed stronger than they originally were. In the same way, in metal fittings which are welded together, the weld is often the strongest part. I would very strongly discourage you though from entertaining the idea that one could slowly improve one’s skeletal strength in the somewhat extreme way which you envisage. Have you thought about acquiring an exoskeleton instead ? [ Google for “ bleex ” ]
Dear LinkLuster
No, a ‘fish eye’ camera-lens is not so-called because “ it
lets us see things like a fish does “. To the best of my knowledge,
no-one has ever successfully looked through a fish’s eye, and, even
if they had, they would still have no way of knowing how the neurological
processes in the fish’s brain would ‘render’ the image.
That is to say, there could well be neural mechanisms which would compensate
for the extremely wide field-of-view inherent in fish-eye optics, and give
a perfectly flat, and undistorted, image - from the fish’s perceptual
point of view. I fear we shall never know.
Dear GreatD4ne
You may, or may not, be interested to know that you have stumbled upon what is commonly known as the Sorites paradox.
When you ask of me “ Are you going bald ? “ it is equivalent to asking “ How many grains of sand does it take to make a heap ? “
Allow me to illustrate :
Are three grains a heap ? What about a hundred ? And a thousand ? Conversely, if one were to begin removing - grain by grain - the sand grains from a sandheap, exactly when does it cease to be one ( a heap that is ) ?
D’you see the answer ?
If you can, do let me know please.
Dear MagLoit6Ypq
What in the fetid moniker of Beelzebub do you think you are up to ? This is the fourth time that you have contacted me for a psychological definition of déja vu. I think. Or is it ?
Dear JaBriq
I’m sorry to hear that you sustained an injury to your finger due
to over-enthusiastic clapping at a theatrical event. It had never before
occurred to me that applause could directly endanger one’s health.
I do not think however that it would be worth pursuing the matter in the
courts.
You
would have little chance of gaining damages, and you should bear in mind
that such an action could be detrimental to society as a whole - by encouraging
others to go to the same production ( the name of which will inevitably surface
during the proceedings ) and risk injury themselves.
Dear Nublaster
No, an upturned colander worn on the head will not in any way protect you
from ‘space rays’. The theoretical foundation is quite literally
full of holes. With respect, any fool knows that space rays can easily permeate
through small orifices. I suggest you try ‘cooking foil’, bespoke-fashioned
by a competent milliner – or, even better, gold foil ( granted, it’s
rather pricy – but probably much more effective – and , as I’m
sure you can imagine, it’s far more snazzy too )
Dear Jaba_12_knote
Yes, I greatly sympathize when you ask “ How can I avoid getting stressed-out ? “. Bearing in mind the ever increasing pace of life, and the constantly broadening access to ever more depressing news, it is little wonder than many feel that they are becoming mentally overburdened.
Now, sadly, I cannot offer you any solution - I can however, let you know what I tend to do in such circumstances - that is to say, by means of the utilisation of what I call my ‘ patience pills ’.
A mixture of 250 mg of [ deleted ] and 35µg of [ deleted ] does the trick admirably. Personally, I like to dissolve a couple of them in a stiff g&t, and I find that I shortly become quite extraordinarily patient. Last week, for example, I telephoned my bank, and was able to sustain a conversation with them for well over one and a half minutes (!) before slamming the phone down on the imbeciles !
Update : My dear editor has asked me to point out that the foregoing methodology should not be recommended under any circumstances, and that I should perhaps suggest ‘ meditation instead of medication ‘.
To which my reply is [ deleted ].
Dear StarMann
Thank you so much for letting me know that there will be an eclipse of star-cluster alpha312_N2 in the Orion Nebula this weekend.
Regrettably though, I don’t have a 12 inch reflector.
And, actually, I have a prior engagement this weekend - much as I would love to sit on the roof of my apartment through the night with a blanket and a Thermos™ of Okra Gumbo.
Dear GK_chesnut
Firstly, let me express my gratitude to you for introducing me to the word ‘ inadequativity ‘ , I confess that I hadn’t come across it before, but, now that I have, I shall use it whenever the occasion demands. Very many thanks.
Secondly, yes, it is true that whales do sometimes wrestle with giant squid in the depths of the oceans. Although the gargantuan struggle has never been observed, whales’ hides often bear circular scars which may well have originated from presumably unwelcome engagement with the hugely fearsome ‘suckers’ on a giant squid’s ' arms '.
How or why these awesome skirmishes come about we can only surmise. Or,
rather, you can surmise. I do not wish to surmise about it at present. Please
do feel free though to surmise as much as you feel appropriate on my behalf.
Inadequativity eh ? Capital !
Dear AubreyBlossfeldt
I wonder if by any chance you might be one and the same Aubrey Blossfeldt with whom I had the pleasure of spending a good deal of my schooling years ?
The degree of intellectual vacuity displayed by your query leads me to believe that perhaps you might well be, in which case then, in answer to your question, [ deleted ] [ deleted ].
If you are not that A.B. , then very many apologies, try replacing the battery.
Dear golkenspeel
You asked “ What would happen to rubbish disposal on a trip to Mars ? “ , and, if I may say so, a highly pertinent question it is too.
Unfortunately, I do not have an answer at this juncture. If I were so bold as to hazard a guess though, I would plump for the ‘chuck it overboard’ theory. I base my guesswork on what happens to the bulk of the rubbish generated by the International Space Station.
Odd isn’t it ? We (almost) have the technology to send astronauts to Mars and back, yet we still [ deleted ] on our own galactic doorstep so to speak.
Dear axegroinder
You enquired “ How long will a chicken carcass last in a freezer ? “ to which my reply will be – for a very, very, very, long time - centuries probably ( even if the electricity gets cut off ).
Surprised ? Well, had you asked, “ How long will a chicken carcass in a freezer remain edible ? “ then my answer would have been considerably shorter.
Dear Not_found_404.
I can’t tell you how glad I was to receive your enquiry regarding Henrik Ibsen's least-known plays.
By utter co-incidence ( well, actually, allright, in truth, no - I’ve been waiting quite some time for an opportunity to use your question ) my favourite venue – the charming little ‘ Ciba ’ theatre at Lucerne, overlooking lake Geneva – is currently staging a production of ‘ When We Dead Awaken ‘ (1899)
As I am sure you will know, that the play is about Professor Arnold Rubek, a sculptor, and one of his former models who has recently suffered a mental breakdown. I have heard not a little misplaced criticism regarding the play, asserting that it’s even more depressing than some of his others - which is, of course, the reason that the Ciba decided to stage this production on ice, with a musical accompaniment.
I simply adore the triple entêndre, don’t you ?
Oh . . . my editor has telephoned to say that I must concentrate on the scientific and technical aspects. So, ummm, I expect you might be wondering how they make the ice-rink stay frozen ?
Google it why don't you.
Pax vobiscum !
Dear bloogerliser
I think you would stand more chance of extracting meaningful information from a late-night conversation with a remissive comatose aardvark than from just about any ‘online-survey’.
You must ask yourself this – what incentive is there for the ‘interviewee ‘ to fill in the web-based form sensibly and accurately ? I would submit to you that by far the most likely incentive anyone could have, would be to idly amuse themselves by filling up the form with utter vacuous fiddle-faddle.
Of course, I concede that there may always be a very small percentage of ‘interviewees’ who will fill in the pages accurately – so, if you were, for example, conducting a survey about trainspotting, then perhaps you might get some valuable feedback via your survey.
Good luck with your marketing career.
Dear glowwwwwurm
No, that would be a foolish and dangerous experiment. You must never allow any electrical equipment anywhere near your bathwater – even if it is battery powered.
Dear T_and_Gee46
Yes, you are quite correct. The ink for your computer printer is [ deleted ] expensive. It would be. How do you think that the printer manufacturers make their money ? Surely you don’t think it ‘s by selling printers ?
My dear fellow ( or fellowess ) there are very many and various counter-intuitive ways to make money. Have you not heard that the major banks make a good deal of their lucre by pretending to you that cheques take three days to ‘clear’ ( so that they can invest the resulting vast swathes of cash in the meantime ). Did you not know that car-tyres can be safely re-treaded two or three times – just as truck-tyres routinely are ? Are you not aware that mustard manufacturers make nearly all of their profit from the small amount that everyone ( except me ) leaves on the side of their plate ?
Dear PhilAndEr
Many thanks indeed for sending me your extensively honed views about the extinction of the dinosaurs. It goes without saying however, that since neither you or I were extant at the time, we can only, at best, surmise. And the core foundation of your surmisement could, I believe, only be described as unasinous. You see Phil, it is unlikely, to say the least, that “ humans hunted them to extinction and ate them all “.
How can I be so confident on this matter ?
Firstly, the fossil records show that no humans, or anything vaguely resembling
them was alive at the time. And secondly, birds - which are, to all intents
and purposes, from my point of view at least ' living dinosaurs ' – did survive ; even though many people find them remarkably tasty and nutritious.
Dear zIngZibra
Yes, of course I am familiar with the phrase ' reptilian hot buttons ' .
If you are unsure as to its origins, I suggest you ‘Google’ it.
Actually, I can’t say that I’m overly enamoured with the concept, in fact I find it distinctly jejune, preferring instead my own conjectures regarding what I like to call ‘ epiphysial operants ’.
You see, we can delve far deeper into the human psyche than the idea of vestigial reptilan behaviour - and consider instead the effects of the pineal body – and how it might be manipulated - with regard to brand management.
The key to it all is : the third eye dear boy, the third eye. The rest is fluffy supposition.
Dear bpw_24_nat
I believe I may be able to put your mind at rest. Myxophobia is, in my opinion, a perfectly tolerable condition – if indeed it could even be described as one. Being ‘afraid of slimy things’ probably served an exceedingly useful purpose at some stage in our deep and distant ancestry.
You should not be concerned at all – unless you were thinking of taking up [deleted] as a career, or becoming a member of the [deleted] party. In either case, I recommend urgent psychological therapy.
Dear iPlswich
Thanks indeed for sending me the copy of your book. I must tell you that I am not really a great enthusiast of ‘ Slate quarries of 16th century Belgium ‘ though ultimately I did find the book extremely helpful. My dining-room table has one leg which is a little short.
Dear aaNcorWatt_6
I regret that I cannot advise you on the “ correct quantity of salt to eat each day “ .You see, it would entirely depend on how much salt your body already contains. If you are salt-deficient ( as some are who live in the tropics ), then you should eat more. On the other hand, if you get too much in your diet, you should try to cut down a little. The United Kingdom’s government guidelines currently recommend 6g. per day. But frankly, I fail to see how this figure is arrived at. It clearly depends on so many factors. For example, the ambient temperature, your level of physical activity, and, not least of course, your size.
6g. plainly cannot be the right amount for both a retired racing jockey in Ireland and a touring Sumo wrestler in Singapore, now can it ?
Dear singon_66
I am not a search engine, I am a free man I am a human being. So your query, formatted thus : problems associated human eye-smoking : had me greatly perplexed for some time.
At first, I thought that you may be referring to an intriguing anthropological ritual amongst some long lost cannibalistic tribe with which I was not familiar.
But now I realise that you were just wondering about the considerably more irritating subject of tobacco.
Dear Zanthist_oop
Another puzzle : You enquired regarding “ a design for a homemade sceptic tank. “
I doubt very much indeed that such a thing could ever function as required.
Dear Eskammo
I really do hope that your lexical dexterity is wanting, and that “ my entitlemant to xmas boners ? “ was an enquiry as to the legal requirements for employers to contribute to your, ahem, Christmas box ?
That would depend upon where you live. In some civilised countries, such as Brazil for example, employers, by law, must pay their workers a so-called 13th salary. In stingy Britain, there is, needless to say, no such relevant legislation.
Dear Y9e8t9f9bv
I strongly disagree, and must emphasise, I do not, in any way, agree with your statement, that, with regard to this column at least, I " keep using too many commas ". I am keenly aware of the power, utility, and affability of the comma, and also of potential misinterpretational vacuua which can, in my opinion, be caused by its lack. I shall, therefore, be continuing with it - full stop.
Dear adBirt
Plasma TV screens ? Normally useless above 2000 metres I’m afraid.
Get a smaller LCD and sit closer to it.
Dear tyndalf
Yes, of course I am aware of the Travelling Salesman Problem, and
yes, I did know that “ it’s been puzzling
mathematicians for decades “.
Frankly though, I do not see why.
The solution is perfectly straightforward. The first town to visit is the one with the best coffeeshop. In the middle of the course, one should contrive one’s itinerary so as to be handy for the most pleasant restaurant. The last town of the day should be the one with the best hotel.
Now tell me, please, what is so difficult about it ?
Dear Dr_Sniglar
I do not relish the rôle as a bringer of bad news, but I must tell
you that, yes, there is a distinct possibility that termites and woodworm
will eventually eat into your MDF furniture.
So I am sorry indeed ( for more than one reason ) to hear that you have just stocked your entire ‘bedsit’ with new furniture from [ deleted ].
For future reference, you should always buy furniture made from tropical hardwoods which contain natural oils which deter pests – Indonesian Teak for example, or Brazilian Peroba.
Of course, it will (alas) be almost impossible nowadays to find a source of such timber which is honestly ‘farmed’ in an ecologically friendly way.
Thus, you must buy second-hand rather than new. Fortunately, various auction houses have regular sales of excellent quality antique hardwood furniture with which you can stylishly equip your abode.
Dear jj_kaykay
Let me first assure you that I have given your sleuth-like talents all the
attention which they deserve. And thank you for sending me the interesting
video.
The fact that I have absolutely no recollection of the event portrayed, does lead me to wonder though, if it is indeed my good self featuring as lead proponent in the recording.
Further, given that I have had several name changes and some plastic surgery over the years, that may perhaps explain why none of the individuals concerned looks remotely like me or is referred to by my name ?
As a last check, I did run my computer though my entire credit card transaction database, and it appears that I have never stayed in any ‘motel’ - at any time, ever, anywhere. Indeed ( though not wishing in any way to negatively reflect upon your own preferences for temporary lodgings ), I am not really a ‘motel’ sort of individual.
On reflection then, no, it is not me at all.
Best of luck with your ‘hobby’.
Dear p.b.Loughbro
I must endeavour to strongly discourage you from undertaking any practical
research into the phenomenon. Please just take it from me that, yes, they
do run about the farmyard for some considerable time afterwards. This is
an enigma of some concern to neurologists who are wont to insist that the
brain is
necessarily
the ultimate command centre of all high-level motor activity.
I encourage you instead to closely observe the behaviour of the ‘leaders’ who are presently ‘governing’ our world. I think you will find it difficult not to come to the conclusion that, in a considerable number of cases, a lack of cerebral neurones does not appear to impede their ability to successfully scrabble their way to the top of the [ deleted ] heap.
Dear 2642_klinkerbilt_dave
I have trawled back through my archives, and was astonished to find that I have not covered this question before. It seems that I haven’t, so I will reply thus :
No, glass is not a super-cooled liquid.
And no, it will not ‘flow’ under gravity ( at normal ambient temperature ) no matter how long you leave it.
Yes, it is true that small glass window panes found in many ancient properties are thicker at the bottom than at the top - but this is emphatically not because ‘ gravity has caused the glass to flow downwards over the years ‘ .
Allow me to extrapolate. Hundreds of years ago, making a nice flat sheet of glass with the equipment available at the time was a next-to-impossible technological challenge - we can certainly take it for granted that they nearly always ‘turned out’ very unevenly. ( quite literally ).
The explanation of the enigma lies instead in the satisfyingly simple fact that the person who put the panes of glass into the window in the first place found it easier to put the thick bit at the bottom. As would you no doubt.
But the glaziers were not 100% accurate all of the time. And why should they have been ? Every now and again they would put one in ‘upside down’ – and, if you inspect an ancient building with enough glazed windows you will often find one or two.
If you still require further proof, I suggest that you take a trip to Glass Buttes , Oregon , where you will find substantial quantities of Obsidian – a natural glass ( i.e. non crystalline ) formed by volcanic activity in the distant past. You will find plenty of examples of broken fragments and shards which are just as sharp now as they were millions of years ago. They most certainly have not 'melted'.
Dear bluploffurther
Yes, as far as I am aware, there a body of evidence suggesting that a good intake of antioxidants can help in some degree towards clearing acne. And yes, you are correct, cocoa does indeed provide an excellent source. [ Containing the monomers (–)-epicatechin and (+)-catechin or oligomers of epicatechin and/or catechin (procyanidins), as you are no doubt aware ].
I must say, however, that I am not entirely convinced regarding your theory
that a diet of chocolate bars may be able to cure acne. I would predict though,
that should you embark on a scientific study, you will not find a shortage
of volunteer subjects.
Dear knoppler_Mk
You can, I am sure, imagine the image of, say, a full moon, without undue
effort ? And if you were asked to imagine the sound of, perhaps, a church
bell, could you not also easily do so ? Why then, would you assert that “ It
is impossible to imagine a taste “ ?
Clearly it is not.
May I say that current psychological research is increasingly pointing towards the idea that all sensory activities, are in a way, imaginary. In other words, when you look at a full moon, your brain is matching the incoming visual data to a memory - which you already have - of what a full moon is like. The ‘matching’ effect is what you experience – rather than the impingement of the photons upon your retina.
So it seems that there is not all that much difference between the experience of really looking a moon, or just imagining the sight. In both cases your brain is calling up the very same ‘file’ so to speak.
Going back to your question then, there is no reason whatever why you should not be able to imagine a taste. I do it all the time. I can, for example, conjure up the ‘imaginative’ version of the flavour of smoked haddock with a light butter sauce. Or the taste of a particularly fine dark bitter Swiss chocolate.
I must say though, that, by way of experiment, I tried for some time to imagine the two mixed together - and I admit that the mental effort involved was quite dizzying - and I had to desist.
I concede then that imaginative gustation may have its limits.
Dear Impinjar
It has been said that each person dies twice. Once when they physically pass away, and the second time when the last person alive forgets about them. I am reluctant to offer any advice on chemically extending your life span – I can, however, suggest a way of postponing the second event. It does, though, involve significantly substantial expenditure.
You should establish a trust fund in a stable tax-haven, say [ deleted ] . The trustees will be instructed to use the accruing interest to reinforce the account and cover any expenses, but also to regularly place advertisements in the local – or even better national - press , along the lines of :
“ To whom it may concern : Impinjar is not fully dead yet.” You could, perhaps, attach a photo as well if you wish.
I should point out though that the length of time that such a scheme would
remain viable depends upon several factors, including :
• The size of the initial investment.
• The interest rates.
• The stability of the particular bank ( and tax haven ).
• The honesty of the trustees.
I would be happy to help arrange it for you if you like ? My bank details are as follows [ deleted ] [ deleted ] [ deleted ] [ deleted ] [ deleted ] , Bermuda.
[ I thought you were supposed to have given up this kind of thing ? Ed. ]
Dear bsduy44ts8
Many apologies, but I have no idea whatsoever what you mean by ‘substance
alpha’ , or ‘substance beta’ , or for that matter, ‘theta’.
If you could give me a little more detail – that is to say chemical names, then I could perhaps assist.
Update : Aaaaaaaah yes. It’s all coming back to me now. Do not – as the saying goes – go there. I fear that you may just end up running around in circles.
Dear Skein0f4th
I would like to point out that the bodily part - the colloquial name of which you employed to address your correspondence to me - is actually a fairly essential piece of the anatomy.
May I say too that, if you were not in possession of one, you would find it, to say the least, a very considerable inconvenience. I therefore take it as a compliment that you should address me in such a fashion.
And since your correspondence was concerned with a statement of your opinion rather than a question, I have no duty to reply. Though I do wish you the very best of luck with your minnow raising activities.
* * *
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