EIRON's
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Restaurant and theatre pundit Eiron Foyer responds to your technical and scientific queries :
You can send a question via our contact form.
Dear j4zzyH4ndler
Regarding urban apiary. There are a now a considerable number of urban beekeepers. In central London for example - though few people notice them. There are even some hives atop the Bank of England ! And Hamburg hosts more than 2000 bee colonies. Some urban beekeepers go as far as to sell their produce - take for instance a favourite of mine, Rooftop Magic Honey, made in Brooklyn, Bronx, and Manhattan, NY. It has a highly distinctive taste – maybe it’s all the [ deleted ].
Oddly perhaps, the bees seem more than at home in the concrete jungle. At present, it might almost be said that they are thriving better than their country cousins.
In fact I like to imagine them oneday developing into the pigeon of the insect world – though considerably more productive of course.
Dear DeeCreach889
I very much enjoyed your simple yet poignant query ‘ Where did all the water come from ? ‘
Most people will never have pondered such a question, and, if they have, I am confident that that they will not have been able to come up with a satisfactory answer. The puzzle is all the more intriguing in that it is evident that the early life of planet Earth was very hot indeed. Hot enough to melt granite for example. For many millions of years. I need hardly point out that any quantity of water would have felt most uncomfortable in such an environment.
And yet it is here. 1,460,000,000,000,000 tonnes ( or so ) of it.
If you, or anyone else, can work out a provable explanation as to its origin(s), the scientific community ( and I ) would love to hear from you.
Dear Cart0r10
I warmly recommend that you continue your independent researches into ‘ randomness ‘ and ‘ perturbation
theory ’.
You have probably discovered by now that a certain amount of random ‘ noise ‘ is
crucial to the correct functioning of many systems. That is to say, mechanical,
computational, biological, social, and even political systems. It is noticeable
though, that in the majority of cases the degree of noise has to be just right.
Too little and the system stalls, too much and it is overwhelmed.
That is the basis of my Goldilocks Dither Theory, which I am currently consolidating.
As an aside, I have an acquaintance who puts random perturbations to artistic use as well. He produces crayon-drawings, but always seated at the back of a bus – preferably navigating a bumpy road. Over the years he has produced quite a ream of his ‘ bus drawings ‘ – made during his travels in several different countries ( interestingly, with significantly different results ). They remind one of Pollocks.
Dear Motzerall4
I regret that I am unable to answer your question. I am comforted though, in my view that no-one else will be able to answer it either.
To hedge your bets and be on the safe side, perhaps you should purchase a fire-proof suit and start learning the harp ?
Dear LostTribeofBayswater
Had you tried, perhaps you might even have been able to deduce the answer
to your question yourself - simply from the name. A Spark Plug is
designed, of course, to plug sparks. Would you want high tension electrical
discharges leaping about all over your manifold ? That would be positively
dangerous don’t you think ? Thankfully, if your car-engine has the
plugs correctly installed there won’t be a bright spark anywhere in
your vicinity.
Dear Abricojh3
Yes, yes, of course I have heard the old chestnut about which is heavier, a kilo of lead or a kilo of feathers. Smug as the jokesters might be, the two ‘ kilos’ will almost certainly differ in weight ! Depending on various factors.
For example, according to their global latitude. The ‘ pull ‘ ( away from the Earth’s surface ) caused by the planet’s spinning motion is considerably stronger at the equator than it is towards the poles. Further complicated though by the fact that the globe itself is rather ‘ fatter ‘ at the equator too ( for the same reasons ) , thus there is more ‘ mass ‘ under one’s feet there, and so of course gravity is stronger.
The weight would also depend on the ‘ height ‘ at which one’s kilo is stored. A ‘ kilo ‘ stored at sea level will weigh more than the same ‘ kilo’ on a mountain top. If you find this hard to grasp, imagine that the mountain is extraordinarily high – so high in fact that the top is in space. I’m sure you will appreciate that the Earth’s gravitational pull will be far lower there.
I could go on at some length – for there are other reasons too for weight discrepancies. In short though, remember this – weight – like so many other things <sigh . . .> is not nearly as precise as most assume, and as one might wish. . .
As an aside, if you are like me, you will probably find it both amusing and enlightening to replay a similar discussion with your local greengrocer on your next visit . . .
Dear JohnoThe12th
I don’t quite see what one has to do with the other. But yes, I do think that eight double espressos per day is perhaps overdoing things a little. In response to your supplementary question, I suggest that you make it a golden rule to wear carpet slippers at all times. This will ensure that any caving activities are next to impossible, or at the very least extremely uncomfortable.
[ I think he might have meant to say ‘ how can I cut down on my craving ? ‘ Ed. ]
Dear ac37hh3796
I hope I am not going to disappoint you, or disuade you from possible future business endeavours, but money laundering certainly is considered a crime in most cilvilised countries.
Though I am sure it will not have escaped your notice that money soiling, as a general rule, is not.
Dear wUchu66
Yes, you are quite right to be concerned about the energy wastage incurred by imbibing cold drinks.
My calculations have revealed that you will use something in the order of 8 kcal to raise your body temperature back to normal after downing just one chilled drink.
Not only that, but creating the chilled drink in the first place - by the use of a mechanical chilling apparatus - will have also consumed a considerable quantity of energy.
It should be remembered though that the same energy inefficiency calculations can be leveled against hot drinks too !
To sum up, you should always strive to drink liquids at ambient temperature – where, in the best possible scenario, the ambient temperature is at 36.8 °C.
Dear Garahe347
The answer to your question “ Why doesn’t my [ deleted ] spreadsheet work properly ? “ is very straightforward.
Humans are next-to-hopeless when it comes to constructing software. Hardware though, we are very good at. Take for example, an antique piano, built by mankind, with humblest of tools, a couple of hundred years ago or so, and yet the intricacies of which are truly amazing. Or perhaps an 85 storey hotel block in Kuala Lumpur - the chances are very high that there will be very little wrong with it. It works, it looks good, and it’s safe.
Now ask you self the following question - the logic of which is so trivial that even the most modest of computational systems, an abacus, could solve it in a few seconds.
If Arnold mows Bill’s lawn on the condition that he has already mowed Christine’s, but Bill won’t mow Chistine’s lawn unless she’s already mowed his, and he only mows Christine’s providing Arnold’s has not been mowed, will any mowing get done ?
Figured it out yet ? Me neither. D'you see ?
Pianos and buildings are constructed one simple step-by-step at a time. Software, however, requires the use of recursive conditional logic loops – and sadly, we’re just not wired-up for them ( no matter what your snake oil vendor software supplier may try to tell you ).
Dear PicZeeD
I am delighted to respond to your enquiry : “ How should I go about making a really good cup of tea with [ major tea-bag manufacturer name withheld ] tea bags ? “
You will appreciate I’m sure that the fine art of teamaking has been refined over many centuries in mainland China. In the teahouses of Shanghai the aficionados never drink the tea that comes from the first infusion - instead this first-soaking is seen simply as a ‘ washing ‘ procedure, and the results are thrown away. The second infusion is considered to be far superior.
Now, I need hardly point out that the tea which arrives in your [ major tea-bag manufacturer name withheld ] teabags is very unlikely to be of the finest quality. Thus I would venture that it may well require considerably more ‘ washing ‘ . And knowing, as I do, the tea concerned, I would suggest that perhaps 20 or so washing cycles may be sufficient ?
Unfortunately, you still won’t be left with a tea up to YuYuan’s standard – but you will at the very least have a nice cup of refreshing and predominantly harmless tepid water.
Dear AlfreadOncea
In reply to your question : “ My house is built on an ex-industrial ‘ brown-field ‘ site which I have reason to believe may be contaminated with poisonous heavy metals – should I grow potatoes in my garden ? “
I see no reason at all why not. I am quite sure that growing potatoes there will pose absolutely no risk to your wellbeing whatsoever. In fact, you may garner considerable psychological benefit from the almost ubiquitously satisfying procedure of gardening - and indeed horticulture in general. Eating them, however, is another matter entirely.
[ Perhaps best not to then. Ed. ]
Dear Sje44Igb
Yes, probably, I expect so. Perhaps you could ask a vet ? Or a lawyer ?
Dear InbriPorfil
You enquired “ Have you noticed that everytime you break a popadom, one piece always ends up in the shape of the Map of India ? “
I readily confess to have been somewhat skeptical regarding your ‘ discovery ‘ at first, and no, I had not noticed. Happily, I have now had the opportunity to test your theory – and find it quite remarkably accurate !
I am greatly puzzled, and am looking forward to the opportunity of investigating further, several more times – preferably with some lime-pickle and raitha.
Dear ShoofaForte
You ask the appealingly simple question “ Why is leafs green ? “
Rather than respond with the stock ‘ chemical ‘ answer ( explaining the quantum photo-absorption properties of chlorophyll ) could I draw your attention instead to an oft-overlooked anomaly ?
It should not be green. Its predominantly green colour means, in practice, that it reflects just the green part of the optical spectrum ( and thus back to us, the viewer ) that is wantonly wasteful is it not ?
It should be black. It would be considerably more efficient that way. Also, golfers could more easily spot their lost golfballs.
Dear Tanplagen8
Yes, I am familiar with the famous cartoon depicting a elderly lady concerned that electricity might be ‘ leaking ‘ out of the power points in her house.
Unlike you, however, I do not find it all that amusing – as the lady concerned was perfectly correct – apparently having a considerably more solid grip on the laws of physics than yourgoodself.
Electricity does ‘ leak ‘ from power points. Electrons will habitually jump from any charged metallic object into the surrounding air. The higher the charge on the object ( compared to the surroundings ) the more will leak away from it.
Electricity supply corporations are very well aware of this - they lose quite a percentage via ‘ leakage ‘ into the air. In fact you can clearly hear the highly charged electrons leaking-out if you stand underneath a high-voltage power line on a dry still day. Don't get too close though, or you will feel them too.
Dear Pastarafice
Yes, you are absolutely correct, Pythagoras was indeed the inventor of the triangle. His flash of insight totally revolutionized early Greek mathematics, orchestral percussion sections and the paper napkin industry.
If I may go on - we should never underestimate the benefits to society which the greatest-of-scientific-minds can contribute. Ask yourself where would we be, for example, if Sir Isaac Newton had not invented gravity ?
[ Eiron, would you mind not . . . oh it doesn’t matter. Ed. ]
Dear Trychlophial
I am sorry to hear that your pet cat has recently been suffering from sneezing fits. I would suggest, however, ( hoping to alleviate your worries ) , that this does not necessarily imply ( as you fear ) that your house is being infiltrated by highly poisonous radon gas.
For reassurance, you could always take your cat to the vet for a radiation check ?
If I could I point out an alternative ( and considerably more likely ) hypothesis – since
it is now known that many humans are allergic to cats, I see no reason why
it should not happen the other way around.
Dear Khdbreu989
In reply to your query “ What should I do if bitten by a poisonous jellyfish ? “ I would say that speed is of the essence. You should get yourself out of the water as quickly as possible, dry yourself off, and immediately begin writing a report while the event is still fresh in your mind. When you have finished, contact the relevant scientific journals without delay, because it will almost certainly be the first time that such an attack has been reported.
Of course, countless thousands of people have been stung by jellyfish, but, as far as I am aware, no-one has ever been bitten by one. I am not even sure they have the relevant apparatus.
Dear VolE33x
I was somewhat shocked to read that you believe I am a ' Bourgeois [ deleted ] [ deleted ] '. So much so, that I almost choked on my lychee soufflé.
Now, I must tell you that, bearing in mind the strict definition of bourgeois means ‘ the inhabitant of a town ‘ then, yes, I am guilty as charged.
With regard to the second part of your message, and your suggestion as to how I might profitably spend my free time - I shall politely decline. May I point out that it is entirely legal across nearly all of Europe – and, I am lead to believe, is even encouraged in some parts , e.g. Sardinia.
Dear HD77ArchyB
Actually, I am rather surprised that the professor at the university which you contacted could not ( or would not ) explain to you the origins of the phrase ‘ pinned down ‘.
Perhaps next time, switch departments, and contact ‘ entomology ‘ rather than ‘ etymology ‘.
Dear KraKtter
Many thanks for reminding me of the practice of [ deleted ] [ deleted ] [ deleted ] via [ deleted ] [ deleted ] [ deleted ] which the Hagahi tribespeople of New Guinea allegedly undertake every 34th new moon.
I admit that, had you not sent that quite extraordinary photo, I would probably have still believed that it was not anatomically possible. However, please do not make the mistake ( as so many do ) of assuming that just because something is ‘ possible ‘ that does not, by any means, imply – let alone ensure - that it’s also a ‘ good idea ‘.
I must insist too, that the practice should not be dismissed as a solely physical process. The Hagahi spend many months of psychological preparation for such an event, believing ( in my view correctly ) that the relevant mental poise should be perfected before even thinking about doing it.
I suggest, then, that you don’t.
Dear OlkA4Ish
You asked “ How long should I cook chicken to make sure it’s
perfectly done ? “
I think that you could get the basics in the first couple of days. To become
an expert perhaps a month or two. And to achieve perfection ( like, for example, Bruno at La
Galetto, Firenze ) then almost a lifetime.
Dear KatB0ll
No, your philosophical tenet that “ One should live every day as though it were one’s last “ is highly questionable.
You mean to spend every day in bed hooked up to plastic tubes and drifting in and out of lucidity ?
Not for me I’m afraid.
Dear Leftrigg
You may be surprised to learn that the Hippopotamus, far from being the, ahem , ‘ cuddly creature ‘ which you describe – is actually fearsomely dangerous. I would have thought that one look into the mouth of a yawning hippo would be quite enough to convince one of their truly formidable jaw-power. And this is very strongly coupled with what a management guru might call ‘ focussed assertiveness ‘ ( or, if you prefer social-psychology-speak, an ‘ attitude problem ‘ ) . In short, perturb them at your peril. Let sleeping hippos lie Leftrigg, let them lie. [ shouldn’t that be umm . . . ‘ semi-float ’ ? Ed. ]
Dear Drive77Pen
Yes of course there is a scientific way to identify forged paintings. Bearing in mind that it is estimated that more than one third of all the ‘ grand masters ‘ in blue-chip galleries across the world are in fact fakes, it beggars belief that the technique is not ( to my knowledge at least ) in use yet.
I am of course speaking of DNA.
How likely would it be that a famous artist would work away for days, weeks, or even months on end - covered in paint, varnish, gesso etc etc - without at least one hair, eyelash, or even a speck of his/her dandruff sticking to the work in question ? Now, all that is required is for the galleries / authorities to carefully examine the old masters to retrieve such cellular detritus and have it analyzed – viz. DNA ‘ fingerprinted ‘. Thus, with relative ease, a database could be built of the ‘ DNA fingerprints ‘ of all the master artists. And so, whenever a new ( or suspect ) work turns up, it would be scrutinized, a fleck of skin-flake or hair found, which is then matched against the artist’s DNA profile.
By the way, I strongly suggest that current high-profile artists deliberately stick a few of their cells ( a cotton-bud cheek-swab will do nicely ) to the back of every work they produce. Far more secure than a signature.
Dear MaskTroutReplicant
I’m not sure whether someone may have put you up to this, so I shall
give you the benefit of the doubt, and inform you politely that I will not
give any further information whatsoever on the breeding of minnows. And that
is my final, last, ultimate, and definitively concluding word on the subject.
[ Oh good. Ed. ]
Dear Cicadallowed
You asked “ I can transfer money from one account to the other straight away using my internet bank account. But when I pay my credit card, it takes three days to arrive – why’s that ? ”
The answer lies in the physical distance that the accounts are away from each other. When you transfer money between different accounts at your own bank branch, the accounts are actually very close to each other – almost touching in fact. But the credit-card company is often an entirely different department – sometimes situated many miles away. Now, the electrons which the banks use for initiating and maintaining long-distance financial electronic connections are special ‘ secure electrons ‘ - which are necessarily much heavier and more cumbersome than ‘ordinary’ ones - and hence travel far less quickly. So, of course, time delays can become much more significant when the transaction is operating over a large(ish) distance.
That is why the electronic message - from your bank to the credit card company - can take up to three days to arrive, and then be unpacked, decrypted, checked, verified, confirmed, and operated upon.
Either that, or your bank just instantly transfers your money to one of their own accounts for three days ( with all the other millions of payments ) and earns a nice juicy fat interest on it ( without your permission ).
Dear OpenSauce24
I like your question regarding where one should live ( given the choice ) in order to minimize one’s carbon footprint.
It goes without saying that living in a very cold climate is very carbon-heavy due to all the heating that is required. Living in the tropics also carries a substantial carbon-penalty ( unless you can live without air conditioning ). Thus a compromise is suggested. My own rule of thumb is that you won’t go far wrong if you can choose as your domicile an area where the locals routinely produce olive oil.
Dear 3254hsyk77
Enquired : “ What is the ratio of male comodo dragons to female dragons? “ What ratio ? Length ? Weight ? Number of legs ? IQ ? I need more data. Please resubmit your query.
Dear pLanFatson
You want to know : “ What take stomik acid away ? “ I
am not at all sure if I have understood you correctly, but could I point
out that without ‘ stomik acid ‘ you would find that digesting
your favourite [ deleted ] burgers, fries,
and double latte smoothie would ( likely ) be very troublesome indeed.
Dear Tommy_notacult
I am rather concerned to hear of your discovery that “ Mt. Etna in Sicily is actually a cover for a squadron of alien spacecraft which is awaiting orders to ‘ sanitize ’ the entire planet. “
I had assumed that it was just an ordinary volcano. May I say though that your idea to build an alien-proof bunker under your house could prove to be an expensive inverted folly ?
My reasoning runs thusly. Do you think that any alien civilization, sufficiently advanced to construct and hide fleets of über-tech killer-craft inside a mountain might not have thought about the possibility of what to do about pesky little people who try to hide away in home-made bunkers ?
I am not trying to cause you alarm, or induce feelings of futility, I am simply endeavouring to save you a great deal of time, trouble and expense in ineffective bunker-constructing.
Bearing in mind that, if you are correct, ‘ they ‘ must have been hiding there for several hundred years ( at a minimum ) – you could perhaps take refuge in the laws of chance rather than in the thickness of concrete ? and ask yourself – why now ? then go back to your sofa, open a nice bottle of bubbly, and forget about it.
Alternatively, you may as well [ deleted ] - please don't feel offended if I don't join you.
Dear NUYoika_33
Yes, you are absolutely correct in your observation that ( apart from some rather attractive local anomalies ) the universe is becoming more disordered as time goes by.
Cups of tea cool down, mixed paint cannot be un-stirred etc etc. But you should not make the silly mistake – as so many prominent cosmologists do – of thinking that this necessarily implies that, at some time in the distant past, the universe must have been perfectly ordered. ( viz. Big Bang, Singularities and other such dribble drabble )
Let me explain with an example.
Imagine that one day you happen to come across a large sandpile whilst walking on a beach. On a subsequent visit you note that it has flattened-out considerably ( due to wind, rain, footprints etc etc ). And, when you return a month later, there is almost no trace of it left. Would you then deduce that, projecting backwards in time, there must have been a moment when the sand grains were all stacked up one upon the other in a gigantically high thread one grain thick ?
I rest my case.
Dear Raaaathu
Your question “ How much water should I drink ? “ opens up a veritable cask of controversies. Depending on the source, ( ha ha ! ) recommendations vary from one, to two or even three litres per day.
The excessively large differences - up to 300% or so - in the so-called experts’ opinions richly underlines the misunderstandings surrounding the question - the answer to which is actually disarmingly simple.
On a daily basis you should drink exactly the same amount of water as your body loses.
I am sure that I do not need to go into details to describe for you the various ways in which your body can lose fluid – and of course the amount will vary from person to person and according to local atmospheric conditions etc. I can tell you though, that accurately gauging-it entails a good deal of equipment, high expenses and some not inconsiderable unpleasantness ( as I discovered during the course of my personal experiments ).
As a fallback then, could I suggest that ( given the opportunity ) you should drink when you feel thirsty ?
I will go further still, and say that you must necessarily have been carrying-out
this exceptionally fine-tuned balancing act for many years - perhaps without
even realising it. If not, you would long-since have either shriveled-up
or burst. Since you just recently contacted me, I am fairly confident that
neither has occurred, and will confidently predict that if you follow my
advice, neither will.
Dear limPette
No, offhand I cannot think of any group of living organisms which humans do not willfully eat. We feast on mammals, birds, fish, reptiles, insects, crustaceans, plants, fungi, algae, lichens and even bacteria – though in the latter case it’s only in the last few hundred years that we’ve known about it ! . . .
Nowadays, I’m told that it is in vogue to consume special tablets laden with millions of carefully cultured bacteria to regulate gut ‘ flora’.
Indeed, it seems to me that the only DNA-based construct that we do not currently deliberately eat is viruses. ( Though some may say they are not really alive, and so do not fit your question. )
In any case, I daresay that time will soon come when people will eat pills full of billions of them too – in the form of macrophages [ viruses which destroy specific bacteria. Ed ] to eradicate harmful microbes.
Take my advice and start up something along the lines of Macrophage Biotic Stabilizers Inc. straight away. Hurry, because I may well do the same.
Dear MillBanksy
Many thanks indeed for sending me a copy of your latest poem ‘ If Then Else ‘ ( written to emulate the look and feel of the 1970’s Fortran computer programming language )
I have forwarded it to my editor, who, I can tell you, is as keen an appreciator of modern poetry as I am of 16th century Sicilian marble bird-baths.
By coincidence, I once tried my hand at ‘ computer poetry ‘ myself – but unlike you, I chose to write it in a lower-level language, binary in fact : perhaps you would like to see it ?
It concerns a gambler, Juan, who is unwell, but who nontheless undertakes another casino session – and wins – or does he ?
Oh ! Wan Juan won one !
“ One won, Juan ! “
Owe ?
[ ummm . . . that’s enough poetry for the moment, thanks, Ed. ]
Dear MarryVieloso
No, you are mistaken. There can only be one universe. If there were more than
one they could not be called a uni verse could they ?
Dear MimRoth
You asked “ What is the stickiest material known to humanity ? “
One of the stickiest is the substance exuded by shellfish – especially clams and mussels etc – enabling them to adhere to rocks. It is phenomenally strong, and very water-resistant of course. It is proving of great interest to those involved in developing adhesives. There is however an even more tenacious material, one which is nigh-on impossible to prise apart under any circumstances – it is traditionally used to glue together the pages of lawyers’ chequebooks.
[ Could you try to keep personal issues out of the column Eiron ? Many thanks, Ed. ]
Dear Versio733
Why in the name of [ deleted ] would you want to ‘ sanitize crocodiles ‘ ? What an absurd notion. Like trying to wing-clip birds or de-bark dogs. Have you no thoughts at all for the poor crocs’ feelings ? There can be little more horrifying a concept to a crocodile than the idea of becoming sanitary.
I can only say that if you insist in getting involved with such tomfoolery then for goodness sake keep it at arm’s ( or better still two arms’ ) length.
Dear FellowPages_AC
Yes. Of course I have heard of ‘ gravity waves ‘. I have also come across rogue waves, hair waves, and casual waves ( and on one occasion, all three simultaneously ). What do you want me to do about it ?
Dear St1ckyS3ct
You raise a very engaging ( and topical ) philosophical puzzle with your query regarding :
“ When does a ‘ fence ‘ become a ‘ wall ‘ and vice versa ? “.
After considerable pondering, I have come up with my own definition – which, though perhaps not quite the last word on the subject, will, I believe, serve us reasonably well for the time being.
A ‘ fence ‘ is a ‘ wall ‘ that you can kick a hole in.
Dear GigtonRok
No, I cannot answer your question as to the reasons for mankind’s fascination – some say obsession – with all things spherical. As you point out, the media ( which can be viewed as an alarmingly accurate fine-tuned reflection of the public’s interest ) is simply packed chock full with balls of all kinds. Especially at weekends. Even the most erudite newspapers have whole supplements devoted to analysing spherical exploits.
Why this should be I cannot say – all I can provide is the information that I, like yourself, was evidently sidelined at some evolutionary bifurcation in the past, and that I have not the faintest idea why anyone would find knocking, throwing, kicking, or whirling balls around on strings of anything but passing minimal concern.
It may be of interest to you though that an old colleague of mine – who also suffered from ( or should I say was gifted with ) the same evolutionary bypass, once tried to orgainise a national counter-event which he was planning to call No Balls Day. Sadly, it was a complete flop.
Dear Bslfoe5555_I
You asked “ Should I drink milk ? “
Let me first assume that since you contacted me via a rather well-formed e-mail, you are ( or at least should be ) already weaned.
And next, can I also assume that by ‘ milk ’ you might mean cows’ milk ? Then I really wouldn’t think so. Have you seen where it comes from ? There are plenty of other mammals on the planet, and I don’t see at all why we should be obsessed with the lactational products of slobbering inbred cattle.
Don’t you realise you could even be inheriting their one-fencepost-short-of-a-paddock personality by some as yet undiscovered biochemical route ?
Now, at the risk of offending all and sundry ( including my editor ) can I suggest that you try [ deleted ] milk instead ? And, may I take things a step further. If my guess is correct, and that idea does indeed offend your sensibilities, I urge you to ponder, with all your concentration, as to why that should be – if you cannot come up with a realistic answer, then stop drinking it.
Dear QuinCycle
I am substantially puzzled by your question “ Is faster-than-light travel an untested theory ”
How can something be untested ? That is like saying ‘ un-sawn-in-half ‘ It has either been tested or it has not.
Dear ClueDoh
Yes, as it happens, I have a failproof method of preventing burning in the eyes whilst chopping onions. Forget all that nonsense about chewing gum, wearing swimming goggles and other such tomfoolery. The trick is to disconnect yourself from the acrid source of sulphurous fumes in the kitchen – and I guarantee my method will work with 100% efficacy. It’s called a restaurant.
Dear TrofiLigure
I regret that I cannot answer your question because I have no idea what
you mean by “ clockwise ”.
The word is of course derived from the direction in which clocks run – and
that in turn comes from the direction in which the shadows on sundials ( humanity’s
first clocks ) rotate.
I’m sure that I don’t need to point out to you that they only rotate in ‘that’ direction in the Northern hemisphere. If you build a sundial in the Southern hemisphere you will rapidly [ shouldn't that should be ‘slowly’ ? Ed. ] see that it rotates the other way.
We urgently need another word to represent ‘that’ direction – and in my opinion it should not be at all clock-related. I admit that I am temporarily at a loss to come up with better definition though.
Dear Defenistractor
No, I do not see why “ ‘ Better safe than sorry ‘ is a reasonable strategy by which to approach life in general. “
Allow me illustrate with a practical example.
When I arrived at my office this evening I took the lift ( elevator if you must ) to the nth floor as usual. Now, if the lift had suffered a catastrophic failure I would have plummeted to the ground ( and, much as I should like to experience weightlessness, I would prefer that it would last longer that a second or so, and not be followed by a possibly fatal bone-crushing jolt ). Clearly, I am well aware of this risk, but am reassured somewhat by the fact that I happen to know that there is a regular maintenance contract on the lift equipment. Unfortunately though, I do not have routine access to the maintenance logs – so how can I ensure that the job is being performed to a satisfactory standard ? Perhaps I should ask to see them ? But, even if I do gain sight of them, how do I know for certain that some lackadaisical individual in the firm hasn’t been forging the results – to save money and/or time ? Perhaps I would be better off considering undertaking my own independent inspections ? Although I am not an expert in elevator machinery, I am confident that if I attended a course I could soon . . . [ Sorry to interrupt Eiron, but I think we probably all get the point by now – thanks Ed. ]
Dear Tunn3lPillar
I am sorry to hear that you are ‘ a compulsive gambler ’ and, though I am not a qualified therapist, I can perhaps offer you my non-expert thoughts on the subject, in the sincere hope that they may be of assistance.
Would I be correct in guessing that maybe you are finding that on average, you are losing more than you are winning ? Am I wrong ? I will be most surprised if I am – because I am quite convinced that you would not have contacted me if the opposite were true.
No, compulsive gambling is not the problem. It’s compulsive
losing that you need to look out for.
Dear TracListless
You asked “ Is there a scientific method to prevent snoring ? “ .
I would like to begin by asking you to imagine a primeval scenario - where a small group of protohumans has decided to bed down at some favourable spot on the Savannah. Now, assuming that these folk suffered from snoring in the same way that we in the present-time do, we can be sure that this appallingly trenchant and loud cacophony will have attracted the attention of all and sundry : viz. birds, mammals and reptiles in the environ – especially those of a predatory nature !
It seems clear to me that this din would have been the equivalent of an advertisement – screaming ‘ I am asleep and semi-comatose – please come and devour me.’
Thus, the snoring ‘ defect ‘ would have been very rapidly bred-out of the population by a quite literally brutal method.
As we know though, it was not.
I can only think of one possible explanation for this. The advantages of snoring clearly must have outweighed the disadvantages.
I admit that up to this point I have been unable to fathom exactly what the advantage is – but I am utterly convinced that there must be one.
Dear Harr_daHulk
Your question “ What chemical compound can I use to waterproof my gloves “ seems perfectly reasonable at first glance – but it is not.
For all practical purposes, there is no such thing as ‘ waterproof ’ – just water resistant. Given sufficient pressure, water will find its way into almost any object.
Now, if you wish to make your gloves water resistant , can I suggest butchers tallow – or, if you are vegetarian, Vaseline™. ( if you do so though, I recommend against driving, operating heavy machinery, lifting cups of hot drink, or shaking hands with strangers ).
Dear TrilBnoit
What is the point of asking me “ How can I make an alcoholic still ? “ Now honestly, haven’t you discovered G**gle yet ? They’ll know I’m sure.
If not, try shouting “ Bar's closed ” very loudly.
Dear NlisT_nuff
Yes you are absolutely correct. The scientific advances achieved in recent years have allowed huge strides in terms of the comfort provide by footwear. Sadly though, the progress has been matched by a corresponding, and unnecessary, degradation in visual appearance. If you don’t object to wearing shoes that have all the stylishness of a polyester tracksuit from a thrift-shop on the Isle of Sheppey circa 1980, then so be it. But, since you enquired, I can offer some advice as to how to circumvent this sad state of affairs.
I buy a pair of the sharpest Oxford Cap brogues made-to-measure by my favourite outfitters in London’s Jermyn St. I also purchase a pair of the most supremely comfortable – though truly hideous – trainers from an upscale sports retailers. Next, I take both pairs to the most expert gentleman’s bespoke cobbler that I know of ( which happens to be in Ordina, [ deleted ] ).
I get Giuseppe to remove the polyurethane sole-assemblies from the trainers, and surgically graft them - invisibly - into the brogues. The result - both literally and metaphorically – is walking on air ( though, in reality I know it’s just pressurised nitrogen )
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